WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Enters Agreement to Purchase New Wrestling Startup AEW

Posted on June 30, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STAMFORD, CT –

WWE CEO and Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he had met with Tony Khan, the owner of new wrestling promotion AEW, and that the two had agreed on a purchase amount, with McMahon becoming sole owner.

“When I saw the kind of wrestling that these guys were doing, the matches they were putting on, the crowd reactions – I knew that this was something big, and I had to get involved,” said McMahon. “If I didn’t try to take control of this company now, they’d likely have overshadowed the WWE within a few years, maybe less. I am too old for more Monday Night Wars.”

McMahon is referencing the fan’s term for the ratings battle between the WWE and the then Ted Turner owned WCW. During the mid-90s, the two companies went head to head on Monday evenings in prime time TV slots. When WWE eventually took control of the ratings, McMahon bought out WCW and folded the entire promotion.

“When McMahon approached me, I laughed at first,” said Tony Khan, a billionaire whose family has long ties in the world of sports. “But he came in with a price that was just outrageous, and I would have been a fool to say no. Yes, I’m worth upwards of 4 times what the WWE is worth, but I didn’t get that way by being a fool. I’m a wrestling fan, and I love what we’re doing, but WWE can take what we’re doing and amp it up globally overnight.”

On news of the purchase, AEW’s Executive Vice President, Cody Rhodes, simply said “Fuck. Not again.”

Man Taken Into Custody After Telling Bar Patrons He Was WWE’s ‘The Undertaker,’ Tried To Tombstone The Bouncer

Posted on June 30, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania –

Mark Callaway, 46, was arrested on Thursday evening after he became drunk and belligerent at the Cap ‘N Cock bar in New Brighton, Pennsylvania. According to police reports, Callaway began telling other patrons that he was The Undertaker, a popular WWE wrestler, and was encouraging others to smash a chair off his back to prove it.

“When Mr. Callaway was asked to leave by security, he became enraged, and tried to perform a tombstone piledriver on the bouncer, which unfortunately injured both of them,” said police chief Carl Carpenter. “We arrived on scene along with an ambulance, and Callaway was transported to a local hospital.”

Carpenter says that had Callaway left on his own accord, he’d have been allowed to go home, but because of the assault, he will be facing up to 2 years in prison if the bar presses charges.

President Trump Will Appear in WWE Royal Rumble Tonight

Posted on January 28, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

President Trump, who has been friends with WWE owner Vince McMahon for many years, and who has been a part of wrestling events in the past, will be appearing at tonight’s Royal Rumble in Philadelphia. Normally he’d be relegated to a sideline role, or a walk-in part where he may speak, but this event will be very different. Trump will actually be wrestling in the Rumble match.

“President Trump was asked to participate, and he said yes,” said White House spokesman Giles Anderson. “He and Vince McMahon are longtime friends, and he missed working with the WWE. It was President Trump’s suggestion that he actually participate in a physical role.”

Trump has secretly been training in the ring for the last 6 months in anticipation of tonight’s event, and is saying that he is confident in his abilities.

“I obviously will not be winning the match, I don’t think anyone expects that,” said President Trump. “But I will be able to hold my own with no problem.”

‘Mr. America’ To Return To WWE After 15 Years in Retirement, Wants to ‘Drop the Leg’ on Donald Trump

Posted on August 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STAMFORD, Connecticut –

After near 2 decade absence, patriotic muscleman Mr. America will be making a surprise return to WWE television, with an announcement that he would be headlining a match on Monday Night Raw, the company’s flagship show.

Wearing his signature stars-and-stripes mask, with wispy blonde hair draping his neck and a fu-manchu mustache flanking his chin, the leather-skinned wrestler burst onto the scene at a WWE event in 2003. He vowed to fight for what was right in America; to fight for the rights of every man.

Mr. America’s return seems to conspicuously coincide with what is being known as one of the worst Presidents in the history of this country, and many are thinking that Mr. America is here to truly make America great again.

“Well let me tell you something, brother,” Mr. America said, “Mr. America is going to run wild all over the WWE, and if I end up running wild all the way to the White House, and I drop a leg on some tanned jabroni, well you know I’ll have a hell of a time doing it, brother. Whatcha gonna do, when Mr. America goes WILD on you, Donald Trump?!”

President Trump is a WWE Hall of Fame inductee, who is close, personal friends with company owner Vince McMahon and his family.

Mr. America is scheduled to appear next Monday on RAW.

WWE Cancels ‘Wrestlemania’ Over Terrorist Threats

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ARLINGTON, Texas –

The WWE has announced that they are “indefinitely postponing” this year’s Wrestlemania pay-per-view after alleged terrorist threats were received. FBI officials say they cautioned the WWE to cancel the event in the wake of attacks that have happened all over the world.

“The WWE wants our fans to be safe, and so we have decided to cancel the event, with a possible plan to stage it at a late date and time,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “This year’s event was set to be the largest in our company’s history, and we cannot take the chance of there being issues at a spectacle that will house nearly 100,000 people.”

FBI officials say that the received a “credible” but anonymous threat that terrorists would attack during the event, and they are taking the threat seriously.

“We are extremely happy that the WWE has taken this threat as seriously as we have, and cancelled their event,” said FBI spokesman George Glass.

“Frankly, no one really cares if they cancel it, anyway,” said WWE fan Larry Moss. “I mean, it’s the same shit that happens every week on their regular show. Now that pay-per-views are included in the WWE Network, and it’s only $10, they don’t put much thought into it anyway. I’m glad that it’s not happening, really. I was going to miss The Walking Dead. Now I don’t have to.”

Hulk Hogan To Buy Majority Share of WWE With Gawker Settlement

Posted on March 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hulk Hogan announced this morning that he plans to take the $115 million dollar settlement he is set to receive from his lawsuit against garbage-posting website Gawker to purchase a majority share of stock in his former employer Vince McMahon’s company WWE.

“I’ve been a millionaire for many years, but I’ve never been that much of a millionaire,” said Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea. “I do own some stock in the company. I bought about $2,000 worth when it first went public. With this settlement, though, I can finally become majority owner.”

Although Vince McMahon had originally been set with 51% ownership, he was forced to sell some of his stock and ownership in the last few years as the company has taken a downturn, leaving him with only 48% ownership in the company. The rest is on the public market.

“I will be able to afford to buy 51% of the company with this settlement, and when I do, there will be some massive changes made to the company,” said Hogan. “I cannot wait to drop the leg on the WWE once more, but this time, it will be my place to do with as I wish. It will be like the NWO days all over again, brother.”

Brock Lesnar Shows Off New ‘Shark Lifting’ Workout Routine

Posted on December 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOPEKA, Kansas –

WWE and UFC powerhouse Brock Lesnar is a force to be reckoned with. After dominating at both sports, the man has earned his reputation as an extreme athlete. What many don’t realize, though, is how Lesnar is able to maintain his incredible physique.

“Well, I started lifting animals years ago, back when I was still living on and maintaining my family’s farm,” said Lesnar in a recent interview. “Back then it was pigs, and I slowly worked my way up to cows. Once I left the farm, though, I found less options for animal lifting.”

Lesnar said it wasn’t until he bought his house in on the East Coast of Canada that he was able to start lifting a new kind of animal – sharks.

“The thin about pig-lifting or cow-lifting, is that those are fairly docile animals, considering, so although they’re heavy, I didn’t get the cardio aspect of it,” said Lesnar. “When I moved to the coast, I started swimming for, and catching live sharks. Then I carry them to shore, and do a few reps and squats. All that together, it really works.”

Lesnar says that although the workout routine has been extremely helpful in maintaining his “nearly perfect” athletic body, he doesn’t recommend it for everyone.

“If you have a fear of sharks, I’d say don’t do it,” said Lesnar. “Just stick to lifting smaller things, like dogs or rabbits.”

CM Punk Says He Will Be Returning To WWE In January

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STAMFORD, Connecticut –

Former professional wrestler CM Punk, real name Phil Brooks, recently spoke with ESPN 8 about returning to the ring and working for WWE, and interviewers were quite surprised by Punk’s response when he was asked if he’d ever consider going back.

“Oh, I am going back,” said Punk, much to the surprise of ESPN anchors. “Yup, it’s a done deal. I’m going back in January.”

Punk, who was scheduled to begin his stint in the UFC, reportedly decided that the fights would be “too tough” for him, and he decided he enjoyed scripted fights better.

“Dana White gave me an opportunity to fight in the UFC, and I appreciate that. I signed on the dotted line and everything,” said Punk. “In thinking about it, though, there’s a pretty damn good chance that I’d get my ass whipped, and that’s not what I’m about. So instead, I went back to WWE. Vince took me back no problem, probably because that company is such a shit show right now that they can’t really not have me anymore. It’s going to be a good time.”

Dana White was reportedly developing a reality show that would focus on finding a contender for Punk’s first UFC bout, but has since cancelled the idea, and will instead use the show to focus on how in the hell Ronda Rousey sucked so much during her last championship fight.

Hulk Hogan Wears Blackface In Public To Prove He’s ‘Not Racist’

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Former professional wrestler Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, was recently spotted in Los Angeles wearing his trademark Hulkamania tee-shirt and bandana, but also sporting something a little more out of the ordinary for the 62-year-old.

“I saw Hogan walking through the mall, headed into a JC Penney, and his entire face was painted black. For a minute, I didn’t even recognize him. But on second glance, those 24-inch pythons gave him away,” said Jerry Miller, who was shopping in the Los Angeles City Mall. “Hogan was wearing blackface! I am a longtime fan, but even I was too embarrassed to walk over and ask for a picture.”

According to Hogan, he decided to paint his face fully black just to prove that he’s “not a racist.”

“You see brother, I may have said some racist things, brother. But that was years ago, brother, and I tell you, brother, I am definitely not a racist, brother,” said Hogan to a fan who was bold enough to ask about the blackface. “The thing is brother, I painted my face so that all the little Hulkamaniacs out there could see that the real Hogan isn’t a racist, brother. Sometimes, brother, you just say a racist-sounding thing, brother, but that doesn’t mean that what’s in your heart, brother, is really wrong, brother.”

Hogan has reportedly also tried to clear his image in other ways. He recently appeared on morning television, sans blackface, asking for forgiveness from the American public.

“I’m also gonna try, brother, hanging around with some more brothers, brother,” said Hogan. “I feel like the only way to really get forgiveness, brother, is if all the brothers out there can forgive me, brother. I just want everyone to know that I am still a real American, brother. I’ll fight for the rights of every man, brother. I’ll fight for what’s right, brother. Fight for your lives, brother. Brother.”

The WWE, the company that made Hogan a household name in the 80s, has all but erased his name from their website, including removing him from their Hall of Fame listings, after it was discovered recently that Hogan made racially insensitive comments several years ago.

Hulk Hogan Announces 2016 Presidential Run

Posted on February 24, 2015 by JP

CLEARWATER, Florida –

A wrestling icon will be attempting a new career path next year by seeking to become the next President of the United States of America. Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, has announced today that he will be running for President in 2016, and plans on winning, brother.

“I’m sick of the way things are being done in this country, brother, and I believe it is high time I rip off this graphic t-shirt, throw on a suit and tie, and take these 24-inch Pythons to Washington, brother!” said Hogan. He went on to say that he will begin to tour the nation to help raise funds for his campaign, and feels his fans will back him on his decision.

“Listen hear brother! I’m going to be the best President this country has ever seen, brother. I’m going to bring this country to a standing ovation when they realize that a real man is in the office, brother. If a body builder can be the Govenor of California, there is no reason a wrestling icon can’t take the whole country, Brother.” said Hogan. “I am a real American, and I will fight for the rights of every man. I’ll fight for what’s right, I’ll fight for your lives, brother!”

Some political insiders say that they think the entire announcement was just a publicity stunt, and once Hogan gets the camera back on him, his attempts will fizzle away. Hogan, who has been retired from wrestling for years, still appears at main events from time to time for the WWE. He also was the star of his own reality show, Hogan Knows Best.