WASHINGTON, D.C. –
After centuries of speculation, Empire News can confirm that 2017 will be the year that Jesus finally returns to Earth.
Many of his followers have been waiting a lifetime for this event, and it seems it will be happening on January 1st.
“After a long 2016 filled with some of the most horrible things to ever happen, including Trump getting elected and the death of so many icons like David Bowie and Prince, Jesus Christ has decided that 2017 will be the year he returns to put right the things that have gone wrong,” said Jesus’ spokesman Joseph Moore.
Moore says that Jesus has been preparing his comeback tour for quite some time, but could not find a reason that people really and truly needed him to come back.
“Now that the world is turning upside down, he sees the time is right for his return,” said Moore. “Watch for a sign on January 1st. He says that the Times Square event will be one to remember, for sure.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
For years, Coca-Cola has been the only company in the world with government licensing to import the coca plant, the same one used in making cocaine, for use in their products. The company literally “de-cocanizies” the plants, and uses natural extracts of them to create the “natural flavors” of the soda. All that changes, though, next month, when Coca-Cola brings back their original recipe, which no longer takes the cocaine out of the coca plant.
“Back in the day, the original recipe for Coca-Cola called for actual cocaine extract, as it was a medicine and not a drink,” said company CEO Reed Sterling. “We plan to bring back that original recipe, and market it as a beverage. In this day and age, kids are looking for the next hot, new beverage. We believe Original Coca-Cola will be that drink.”
Sterling says that the normal price of the beverage, which is approximately $2 on average for a 2-liter, will, of course, drastically increase.
“Unfortunately, with these awesome changes we’re making, a market increase will naturally have to occur,” said Sterling. “The current average price of $2 will be closer to $30 based on the amount of cocaine we will be using per batch, per bottle, but we really feel that our consumers will enjoy the taste of what we’re calling Coca-Caineola.”
The new beverage is expected to hit shelves next month, in direct competition with PepsiCo’s new Pepsi 1893, which is made with real kola extract and natural sugars.
STAMFORD, Connecticut –
Former professional wrestler CM Punk, real name Phil Brooks, recently spoke with ESPN 8 about returning to the ring and working for WWE, and interviewers were quite surprised by Punk’s response when he was asked if he’d ever consider going back.
“Oh, I am going back,” said Punk, much to the surprise of ESPN anchors. “Yup, it’s a done deal. I’m going back in January.”
Punk, who was scheduled to begin his stint in the UFC, reportedly decided that the fights would be “too tough” for him, and he decided he enjoyed scripted fights better.
“Dana White gave me an opportunity to fight in the UFC, and I appreciate that. I signed on the dotted line and everything,” said Punk. “In thinking about it, though, there’s a pretty damn good chance that I’d get my ass whipped, and that’s not what I’m about. So instead, I went back to WWE. Vince took me back no problem, probably because that company is such a shit show right now that they can’t really not have me anymore. It’s going to be a good time.”
Dana White was reportedly developing a reality show that would focus on finding a contender for Punk’s first UFC bout, but has since cancelled the idea, and will instead use the show to focus on how in the hell Ronda Rousey sucked so much during her last championship fight.