Justin Bieber Says He Is Beginning His Training For Professional MMA Debut

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Pop singer Justin Bieber says that he has secured a team of professional fighters and trainers to work with him on what he says is his “next career move,” a trip to the professional MMA ring.

Bieber, who is best known for making music that most people can’t stand, is in good shape for a 22-year-old, although he has been known to be a heavy drinker and weed smoker.

“I want to get healthier, I want to be leaner, and I want to show the world that I can kick someone’s ass,” said Bieber. “I am working with some of the top fighters in the world, and I will be ready to go by this time next year.”

Bieber’s management team says that they have signed a deal with UFC for him to debut in their cruiserweight division, although at this time, no opponent has been set.

“I really want to fight CM Punk,” said Bieber. “I was a big fan of his before he became a tool and left wrestling, and I really think I can take him.”

Brock Lesnar Shows Off New ‘Shark Lifting’ Workout Routine

shark

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

WWE and UFC powerhouse Brock Lesnar is a force to be reckoned with. After dominating at both sports, the man has earned his reputation as an extreme athlete. What many don’t realize, though, is how Lesnar is able to maintain his incredible physique.

“Well, I started lifting animals years ago, back when I was still living on and maintaining my family’s farm,” said Lesnar in a recent interview. “Back then it was pigs, and I slowly worked my way up to cows. Once I left the farm, though, I found less options for animal lifting.”

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Lesnar said it wasn’t until he bought his house in on the East Coast of Canada that he was able to start lifting a new kind of animal – sharks.

“The thin about pig-lifting or cow-lifting, is that those are fairly docile animals, considering, so although they’re heavy, I didn’t get the cardio aspect of it,” said Lesnar. “When I moved to the coast, I started swimming for, and catching live sharks. Then I carry them to shore, and do a few reps and squats. All that together, it really works.”

Lesnar says that although the workout routine has been extremely helpful in maintaining his “nearly perfect” athletic body, he doesn’t recommend it for everyone.

“If you have a fear of sharks, I’d say don’t do it,” said Lesnar. “Just stick to lifting smaller things, like dogs or rabbits.”

CM Punk Says He Will Be Returning To WWE In January

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STAMFORD, Connecticut – 

Former professional wrestler CM Punk, real name Phil Brooks, recently spoke with ESPN 8 about returning to the ring and working for WWE, and interviewers were quite surprised by Punk’s response when he was asked if he’d ever consider going back.

“Oh, I am going back,” said Punk, much to the surprise of ESPN anchors. “Yup, it’s a done deal. I’m going back in January.”

Punk, who was scheduled to begin his stint in the UFC, reportedly decided that the fights would be “too tough” for him, and he decided he enjoyed scripted fights better.

“Dana White gave me an opportunity to fight in the UFC, and I appreciate that. I signed on the dotted line and everything,” said Punk. “In thinking about it, though, there’s a pretty damn good chance that I’d get my ass whipped, and that’s not what I’m about. So instead, I went back to WWE. Vince took me back no problem, probably because that company is such a shit show right now that they can’t really not have me anymore. It’s going to be a good time.”

Dana White was reportedly developing a reality show that would focus on finding a contender for Punk’s first UFC bout, but has since cancelled the idea, and will instead use the show to focus on how in the hell Ronda Rousey sucked so much during her last championship fight.

Anonymous Source Says Ronda Rousey Was Paid To Take Dive, Lose To Holly Holm

rousey holm

SYDNEY, Australia – 

Former Bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey may have been paid to take a dive during her UFC 193 championship fight, according to anonymous sources.

In a letter that was sent to ESPN offices, a person alleges that he paid millions to have the fight between the two women fixed, saying that he bet big money on Holly Holm, who was at 6-1 odds of losing the bout, and even after an alleged payoff, made $10 million on the fight.

“I have proof that I fixed the championship fight between Rousey and Holm at UFC 193,” read the letter, delivered from an anonymous gmail email account. “I made a substantial amount of money that night, over $10M. I paid Rousey $4M. She wanted to take time off anyway, and she knew it was a great offer.”

According to UFC officials, the fight was completely on the level, although fans weren’t so sure.

“Rousey fought like shit, like there was no way she was going to win, no matter how hard she tried,” said a UFC fan. “Holm? Who the hell is she anyway? It’s crazy that she was able to win against a woman whose last 10 fights had a combined time of one minute. I definitely think there was a fix.”

Representatives for the UFC organization say they are “looking into” the allegations.

UFC Champion Ronda Rousey Admits To Being Born A Man

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

UFC Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey has reportedly admitted that she was born a man, having undergone gender reassignment surgery when she was 15.

“I was born a man genetically, but I was definitely a woman on the inside,” said Rousey. “Coincidentally, I am still kind of a man on the outside, and that has definitely helped me to have a bit of an advantage in the ring.”

According to UFC rules, the only thing that designates whether a contender is a man or a woman is their genitals, and several people have come forward alleging that Rousey is, indeed, a woman now.

“I can honestly say that she definitely has the girl parts now,” said an anonymous UFC fighter. “I had no problem taking her in bed, but with that in mind, I can honestly say there’s no way in hell I’d ever want to step into the ring with her.”

“It doesn’t matter that I was born with a penis, which would also mean I was born with a completely different body style and ability to gain muscle mass and strength equal to that of a man, giving me a massive advantage over skinny, ugly women in the ring,” said Rousey. “What matters is how I feel about myself, and damn, I feel like a woman.”

Ronda Rousey, Floyd Mayweather To Fight In Exhibition Match In 2016

rousey mayweather

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

A joint announcement between the UFC and the World Boxing Association was made this morning, detailing an event to be held next March that will put Floyd “Money” Mayweather in the ring against Ronda Rousey.

“This is a dream match-up, that many internet sports fans have wanted to see,” said George Glass, a WBA representative, live during the ESPN-aired announcement. “Mayweather is known mostly for beating women, and Rousey is known for fighting like a man, so this is going to be a must-watch pay-per-view.”

The event, which is scheduled to take place in March, 2016, at the Luxor Casino in Las Vegas, is still having its details ironed out by officials. The Mayweather camp naturally wants the fight to be boxing rules, while the Rousey camp thinks it should be more along the lines of UFC rules.

Many fans have argued over the last several months about who would win in a fight between the two champions, and fight promoters say that they are hoping this contest puts an end to the speculation.

“The worst thing that could happen is that the fight is a draw,” said Glass. “I don’t know for sure who I’d place my money on, but the one thing I know, is that I’ll certainly be shelling out the $125.99 to watch the fight on Pay-Per-View.

Mayweather is set to take home a purse of $4 million for the fight. Rousey, being a woman, will naturally only take home $2 million.

 

Ronda Rousey To Fight Two Competitors At Once In Epic Bout

Ronda Rousey To Fight Two Competitors At Once In Epic Bout

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

On of the most dominate fighters to ever enter the octagon is making history with her next fight. Ronda Rousey has had fans of the UFC on the edge of their seats ever since see joined the league. Her power, submissions, and quick wins have put her on a level that makes her almost unstoppable to any of her opponents.

The only concern from the UFC is that people may stop watching her fights seeing how see continues to rain supreme. They fear that if she continues on this pace, people may not want to buy her fights on Pay-Per-View when they can easily be watched on social media sites the next day because they are so short.

UFC has announced today that in the next bout with Rousey, she will be taking on two female opponents to be named at a later date.

Dana White has confirmed this, and told us they would have never even thought of such a crazy thing until it was brought up by Rousey after her most recent win.

“She came to me after her most recent win and said ‘you’re going to have to put two fighters in the ring if you want to see a longer fight.’ I laughed and told her that she shouldn’t get to cocky, she then told me she wasn’t kidding and told me to set it up,” said White

The date for the fight has yet to be confirmed and as of now, no fighters have agreed to take part in it.

 

Anderson Silva On Steroids: ‘I’m Just Bad at Tests’

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Disgraced UFC fighter Anderson Silva has hit back at findings that he used steroids prior to his fight with Nick Diaz. Speaking to Sports Illustrated magazine, he acknowledged the results, which found traces of steroids in his bloodstream, but put it down to being “bad at tests.”

“Even when I was a kid,” the Brazilian fighter reminisced, “they said I was stupid, and I got held back a few years. But everyone who knew me knew that I’m intelligent – even a genius – but I just can’t perform in tests. That’s why I don’t get the right results.”

His grandmother, in a large crowd of family members all speaking over one another, backed him up, saying in broken English, “Do they think a intelligent boy like him would have to be a wrestler if his school gave him benefit of doubt? They all crazy.”

Fans of Silva have jumped on the opportunity to clear their hero’s name, many admitting that they suffer from the same disadvantage.

“I can’t get a job,” slurred Samantha Highbrook. “My tests all come back positive for marijuana. But I’ve never done the pot in my life. The tests are all…crap…what was I saying? Damn, anyone have any Funyuns?”

Silva’s case has been adamantly supported by little Jimmy Jones’ mom Carla, from Florida, who says that her son suffers from the exact same type of discrimination in his elementary school.

“Good grades don’t show who’s clever,” she yelled at her son’s school board. “They show who is most prepared for arbitrary tests! My Jimmy is the smartest in his third grade class, and somehow he’s being held back, while kids like Ricky get perfect grades. So, what – my son is only good enough to grow up to be a UFC fighter, now? Jimmy told me the far too intense environment of a class test causes him to forget everything. Plus, his teacher never explains instructions well enough. It’s simply not fair!”

Other members of the PTA meeting nodded in agreement, while Ricky’s mother shouted that her son deserved the marks he got, and Jimmy was just an entitled, stupid piece of shit.

UFC Fighters Encouraged To Get Arrested To Make Them Look More ‘Badass’

UFC Fighters Encouraged To Get Arrested To Make Them Look More 'Badass'

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

In response to confirmed drug use among some of their biggest stars, the UFC has reportedly encouraged its fighters to get arrested in an attempt to bring back some of their now-doubted “badassery”. The organization is primarily concerned about kids getting badly influenced.

“With the whole steroids debacle, young fans might begin to get cynical, thinking that the image of our fighters is fake,” said UFC CEO, Lorenzo Fertitta. “If we don’t do something, they’re gonna believe that true badass fighters don’t exist, and that they’re really just regular people on ‘roids. We owe it to those kids to prove that our fighters really are as hardcore as they look.”

Peta Samuels, chairperson of Parents Against Pussy Kids (PAPK), promised to put pressure on the UFC to follow through with their promises.

“MMA is one of our core activities,” she wrote in an open letter. “Now that these drug charges have come to light, the entire foundation on which our activism is based has been compromised. Usually we would keep quiet about the internal affairs of other enterprises, but it’s our children who are at stake. We need them to know that there are true badasses out there, that their heroes are not all pussies.”

Child psychologist, Luther Brown, agreed. “The current era is a difficult one for kids to grow up in. With corporal punishment on the way out, increased activism against gun laws, and a no tolerance policy towards bullying, they have very few role models who can teach them what we learned naturally from our own parents’ example. Professional fighters are all that is left.”

There is, however, a significant minority against the news. An anonymous member of Pussy Parents Against Aggressive Kids (PPAAK) leaked information to the press that the group planned to continue its fight against badassery. They are expected to hand out flyers in zones assigned to them by authorities, politely asking that UFC fighters rather set the example of being nice, family-oriented people, who their little pussies can look up to.

Anderson Silva Banned From UFC After Failing Drug Test

Anderson Silva Banned From UFC After Failing Drug Test

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Fans of the UFC’s Anderson Silva are in shock after reports that the fighter tested positive for steroids. The news came after months of speculation and denials, and could be a nail in the coffin of one of the sport’s biggest stars.

“I was not aware that this sort of behavior was happening in our sport,” said UFC commentator Paul Manson. “I know about the whole Lance Armstrong thing, but that’s in cycling. Everyone does it in cycling. But this? I can’t think of a single rational reason why a pro fighter would dope. I think that’s why they’ve banned him for life – because this is so shocking to everyone, and they really need to set an example.”

Lifelong fan of Silva, Mickey Peterkofsky, believes his hero will bounce back from the charges.

“Andy never did drugs,” the twelve year old whined. “He doesn’t need to because he’s the strongest man in the world, ever. And if you don’t believe that, you’re stupid.”

The charges have led to a lifetime ban that signals the end of Silva’s career. Silva, however, continues to deny culpability.

“I beat Nick Diaz,” the Brazilian said. “That’s the problem. I beat him and he can’t take it like a man. So he set me up. He must’ve injected that shit in me during that slumber party he hosted. I knew it was dumb to accept an invitation from a rival, but he seemed so sincere about it at the time. We had so much fun play-wrestling that night, I can’t believe he did that to me.”

When it was pointed out to Silva that Diaz, too, had failed his drug test, the now ex-pro stated, “Okay, so maybe those brownies I brought him had a little pot in them. Maybe he injected me with roids in retaliation. But the point is, I didn’t dope, and I will never be able to trust another so-called ‘friend.’”

Nick Diaz, when asked for comment, said, “I’m thankful for what was a dick move on his part. I’d forgotten the joys of recreational marijuana, but now I see that it’s far better than a successful UFC career. Everybody just gotta chill.”

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