Anderson Silva On Steroids: ‘I’m Just Bad at Tests’

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Disgraced UFC fighter Anderson Silva has hit back at findings that he used steroids prior to his fight with Nick Diaz. Speaking to Sports Illustrated magazine, he acknowledged the results, which found traces of steroids in his bloodstream, but put it down to being “bad at tests.”

“Even when I was a kid,” the Brazilian fighter reminisced, “they said I was stupid, and I got held back a few years. But everyone who knew me knew that I’m intelligent – even a genius – but I just can’t perform in tests. That’s why I don’t get the right results.”

His grandmother, in a large crowd of family members all speaking over one another, backed him up, saying in broken English, “Do they think a intelligent boy like him would have to be a wrestler if his school gave him benefit of doubt? They all crazy.”

Fans of Silva have jumped on the opportunity to clear their hero’s name, many admitting that they suffer from the same disadvantage.

“I can’t get a job,” slurred Samantha Highbrook. “My tests all come back positive for marijuana. But I’ve never done the pot in my life. The tests are all…crap…what was I saying? Damn, anyone have any Funyuns?”

Silva’s case has been adamantly supported by little Jimmy Jones’ mom Carla, from Florida, who says that her son suffers from the exact same type of discrimination in his elementary school.

“Good grades don’t show who’s clever,” she yelled at her son’s school board. “They show who is most prepared for arbitrary tests! My Jimmy is the smartest in his third grade class, and somehow he’s being held back, while kids like Ricky get perfect grades. So, what – my son is only good enough to grow up to be a UFC fighter, now? Jimmy told me the far too intense environment of a class test causes him to forget everything. Plus, his teacher never explains instructions well enough. It’s simply not fair!”

Other members of the PTA meeting nodded in agreement, while Ricky’s mother shouted that her son deserved the marks he got, and Jimmy was just an entitled, stupid piece of shit.

UFC Fighters Encouraged To Get Arrested To Make Them Look More ‘Badass’

UFC Fighters Encouraged To Get Arrested To Make Them Look More 'Badass'

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

In response to confirmed drug use among some of their biggest stars, the UFC has reportedly encouraged its fighters to get arrested in an attempt to bring back some of their now-doubted “badassery”. The organization is primarily concerned about kids getting badly influenced.

“With the whole steroids debacle, young fans might begin to get cynical, thinking that the image of our fighters is fake,” said UFC CEO, Lorenzo Fertitta. “If we don’t do something, they’re gonna believe that true badass fighters don’t exist, and that they’re really just regular people on ‘roids. We owe it to those kids to prove that our fighters really are as hardcore as they look.”

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Peta Samuels, chairperson of Parents Against Pussy Kids (PAPK), promised to put pressure on the UFC to follow through with their promises.

“MMA is one of our core activities,” she wrote in an open letter. “Now that these drug charges have come to light, the entire foundation on which our activism is based has been compromised. Usually we would keep quiet about the internal affairs of other enterprises, but it’s our children who are at stake. We need them to know that there are true badasses out there, that their heroes are not all pussies.”

Child psychologist, Luther Brown, agreed. “The current era is a difficult one for kids to grow up in. With corporal punishment on the way out, increased activism against gun laws, and a no tolerance policy towards bullying, they have very few role models who can teach them what we learned naturally from our own parents’ example. Professional fighters are all that is left.”

There is, however, a significant minority against the news. An anonymous member of Pussy Parents Against Aggressive Kids (PPAAK) leaked information to the press that the group planned to continue its fight against badassery. They are expected to hand out flyers in zones assigned to them by authorities, politely asking that UFC fighters rather set the example of being nice, family-oriented people, who their little pussies can look up to.

Anderson Silva Banned From UFC After Failing Drug Test

Anderson Silva Banned From UFC After Failing Drug Test

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Fans of the UFC’s Anderson Silva are in shock after reports that the fighter tested positive for steroids. The news came after months of speculation and denials, and could be a nail in the coffin of one of the sport’s biggest stars.

“I was not aware that this sort of behavior was happening in our sport,” said UFC commentator Paul Manson. “I know about the whole Lance Armstrong thing, but that’s in cycling. Everyone does it in cycling. But this? I can’t think of a single rational reason why a pro fighter would dope. I think that’s why they’ve banned him for life – because this is so shocking to everyone, and they really need to set an example.”

Lifelong fan of Silva, Mickey Peterkofsky, believes his hero will bounce back from the charges.

“Andy never did drugs,” the twelve year old whined. “He doesn’t need to because he’s the strongest man in the world, ever. And if you don’t believe that, you’re stupid.”

The charges have led to a lifetime ban that signals the end of Silva’s career. Silva, however, continues to deny culpability.

“I beat Nick Diaz,” the Brazilian said. “That’s the problem. I beat him and he can’t take it like a man. So he set me up. He must’ve injected that shit in me during that slumber party he hosted. I knew it was dumb to accept an invitation from a rival, but he seemed so sincere about it at the time. We had so much fun play-wrestling that night, I can’t believe he did that to me.”

When it was pointed out to Silva that Diaz, too, had failed his drug test, the now ex-pro stated, “Okay, so maybe those brownies I brought him had a little pot in them. Maybe he injected me with roids in retaliation. But the point is, I didn’t dope, and I will never be able to trust another so-called ‘friend.’”

Nick Diaz, when asked for comment, said, “I’m thankful for what was a dick move on his part. I’d forgotten the joys of recreational marijuana, but now I see that it’s far better than a successful UFC career. Everybody just gotta chill.”

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