Anderson Silva On Steroids: ‘I’m Just Bad at Tests’

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Disgraced UFC fighter Anderson Silva has hit back at findings that he used steroids prior to his fight with Nick Diaz. Speaking to Sports Illustrated magazine, he acknowledged the results, which found traces of steroids in his bloodstream, but put it down to being “bad at tests.”

“Even when I was a kid,” the Brazilian fighter reminisced, “they said I was stupid, and I got held back a few years. But everyone who knew me knew that I’m intelligent – even a genius – but I just can’t perform in tests. That’s why I don’t get the right results.”

His grandmother, in a large crowd of family members all speaking over one another, backed him up, saying in broken English, “Do they think a intelligent boy like him would have to be a wrestler if his school gave him benefit of doubt? They all crazy.”

Fans of Silva have jumped on the opportunity to clear their hero’s name, many admitting that they suffer from the same disadvantage.

“I can’t get a job,” slurred Samantha Highbrook. “My tests all come back positive for marijuana. But I’ve never done the pot in my life. The tests are all…crap…what was I saying? Damn, anyone have any Funyuns?”

Silva’s case has been adamantly supported by little Jimmy Jones’ mom Carla, from Florida, who says that her son suffers from the exact same type of discrimination in his elementary school.

“Good grades don’t show who’s clever,” she yelled at her son’s school board. “They show who is most prepared for arbitrary tests! My Jimmy is the smartest in his third grade class, and somehow he’s being held back, while kids like Ricky get perfect grades. So, what – my son is only good enough to grow up to be a UFC fighter, now? Jimmy told me the far too intense environment of a class test causes him to forget everything. Plus, his teacher never explains instructions well enough. It’s simply not fair!”

Other members of the PTA meeting nodded in agreement, while Ricky’s mother shouted that her son deserved the marks he got, and Jimmy was just an entitled, stupid piece of shit.

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