NEW BRIGHTON, California –
Tampax, a Proctor & Gamble company based in California, has released the first tampon for post-op transgender women.
“We feel as if our product will be well received amongst the trans community,” said Tampax CEO Carl Smith, a white, cis-gendered, straight male. “We are hoping to bring each trans-woman closer to the full female experience and diminish body dysmorphia triggers altogether. Nothing is more ‘womanly’ than a tampon, and we’re sure these little things will sell very well with the trannies.”
According to Smith, the product will come in three sizes: “Petite” is for the trans-woman who is still working to achieve maximum dilation, yet still wants to produce menses. “Intermediate” provides an average amount of menstruation, “Big Lush” isfor the trans-woman who wishes to enjoy “heavy” menstruation.
“We expect the Big Lush to be the most common seller,” said Smith. “We have done extensive research, and it has shown that guys who are now women are really into sticking things into their fake vaginas, so we’re going with this as a way to satisfy that need.”
The product is expected to hit the market next month.
HORNWOOD, South Carolina –
A student at a high school in South Carolina has been arrested and expelled from school after it was discovered that he was not, as purported, a transgender student, but was in fact just trying to sneak into the girls’ showers so he can see them naked.
As reported by World News Daily Report:
Soccamee high school officials were alarmed by the student’s indecent behavior after several students and parents lodged complaints and reported the “immoral behavior” to school administrators.
The transgender male student was recently allowed by school officials to use all female washrooms, including having access to the girl’s locker room, after he had asked to be treated as a biological female.
The transgender male student also allegedly bragged about how the school would let him take showers with the girls just because he “wore a wig” and “painted his nails” according to several students.
The student, who has not been named, was arrested after it was stated that he inappropriately touched several of the girls while in the shower, and even was found masturbating while the girls were changing.
“He always had this huge erection while we were in the shower, I never understood why the school allowed a boy to be in the girls’ shower with us,” one female student told local reporters. “And I do mean huge. It kind of made me wish that he wasn’t a she, or…whatever. I just wanted him to ask for my number. I’ve gone black, but I’d definitely go back for that.”
The student was expelled from the school, and arrested on charges of lewd conduct and sexual battery.
LOS ANGELES, California –
The world’s most famous transgender person, and total obnoxious asshole Caitlyn Jenner, says that she has become “completely bored” being a woman, and thinks it’s time that she transitions back to a men, and goes back to being just “plain old Bruce.”
“Being a girl is fun for a bit. I have some bitchin’ tits, and yeah, I got rid of my penis, but I miss it. We were together a long time,” says Jenner. “I think I’d like to have it back. I walk through my house, and I see myself on the hundreds of Wheaties boxes I collected, and I like the way I looked then. It’s time for another change.”
Jenner says that the plan is to return to manhood after she has the nude photos done for Playboy.
“No matter what anyone says, I’m baring it all for the nude spread,” said Jenner. “That shoot is going to make me a fortune. Everyone is going to want to see that – even those bigots who say they’re disgusted by it. You know they’re going to sneak a spank to it. I’m very excited.”
After Jenner transitions back, she says she wants everything to just “return to normal.”
“I’m honestly kind of sick of being in the public eye, being on TV, being a public icon and an American hero multiple times over,” said Jenner. “It’s going to be nice to just be Bruce again.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Donald Trump has admitted that the real reason he banned transgenders in the military is because he has begun his transition into a woman, and said he was “scared” he might have to serve in the military.
“I already dodged the draft, made my way through life without ever having to serve in the military, so there was no way I was going to ever have to deal with possibly engaging in real combat,” said President Trump. “It worked out that I was planning on becoming a woman, as I’ve known for some time that I was not comfortable as a man. I mean, I’m not a faggy peter-puffer or anything. I still love grabbing women by the pussy. I just like to tuck it back and throw on a nice dress.”
When he was informed that he is well past the age of being drafted in the likely case that he leads the country into war, Trump was noticeably embarrassed.
“Nobody tells me anything about how this stuff actually works,” said our Commander-in-Chief. “Either way, I cannot wait for everyone to meet the new Donald. I think I’m going to go with the name Donna.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Michelle Obama has just revealed a shocking secret – one that the far-right has been hounding her about for years, but in fact, turns out to be true. Michelle Obama is transgender, and was actually born as a male.
“I was born Michael LaVaughn Robinson, and changed my name to Michelle when I was only 12-years-old,” said Obama. “I knew that it didn’t feel right. I wasn’t a boy. I never cared about doing boy things. I just wanted to be a princess, I wanted to ride ponies. When I was a teen, I realized I also liked boys. It was really a confusing, difficult time, but my parents were very supportive.”
Obama says she underwent surgery in her late 20s to begin converting to a woman, and the entire process was completed when she was in her early 30s, right before she met Barack.
“He has known from the beginning, of course,” said Obama. “I never shied away from my past, and there was no way I was going to get into a relationship with someone starting with a lie. So yes, he’s always been aware that I used to be a man.”
Michelle said that their children were not adopted, but they obviously used a surrogate, with Barack providing the sperm.
“They are biologically his children, for sure,” said Obama. “I am not going to disclose who the mother is, because it doesn’t matter. I am their mother. They know everything, and they don’t care. They see me as their mom, and always will, because that’s who I am – I’m mom.”
JACKMAN, Mississippi –
Roberta Jones, 33, says that she got pregnant a few weeks ago after visiting a local Target store and using their bathroom.
“I saw a man coming out as I was going in, but I didn’t think nothing of it,” said Jones, a cashier at a grocery store. “I thought he musta walked in there by mistake. It’s happened to us all at one point or another. But then when I used the bathroom, I did notice that there was something sticky and nasty on the seat when I sat down. I knew I shoulda hovered.”
Jones says that a few weeks later, she took a home pregnancy test, and it confirmed that she was carrying a baby.
“I haven’t had sex in over a year, and when I thought back about it, I knew it had to be that toilet. I think that man done jerked himself off in there, like a creeper, and left his little babies all over the seat,” said Jones. “Some of ’em must have flowed up in me when I was peeing. It’s nasty. But God says I can’t abort the baby, so here I go again.”
Police say they are working with the Target store security team to review footage and locate the now-expectant father.
SMITHSON, North Carolina –
Hilary Thibodaux, 49, was assaulted when she attempted to preach to shoppers and employees about the evils of Target’s gender-neutral bathroom policy. Thibodaux was upset about a recent Target statement that said, “We welcome transgender team members and guests to use the restroom or fitting room facility that corresponds with their gender identity.”
The mother of 12 marched through Target, waving her bible around and yelling at anyone who will listen while her family followed dutifully behind her. An unidentified woman thought she would knock some sense into Thibodaux, first throwing her bag of popcorn at the woman and then ramming her with her shopping cart. Seeing the size of Thibodaux’s family she backed down, abandoned the shopping cart and fled.
Witness Keli Danton says watched the events unfold.
“I was like, ‘who this crazy bible-thumper ranting and raving about what now?’ We live in small town North Carolina, honey. There aint never been a transgender in this Target. Why she preachin’ here?” said Danton. “I laughed when that crazy fat woman threw her popcorn at her. She shouldn’t have tried to plow her down with her basket though. That aint right. Even if she deserved it, that aint right. Good thing she got out of there. That bitch’s sons would have brought down the fury of the Lord on her ass.”
CARSON, Georgia –
Target has announced that they plan to add a gender-fluid bathroom to every store in the United States, after a boycott cost the company over $14 million in sales in only a week’s time. The company says that making it public that they allowed transgender people to use whatever bathroom they were most comfortable with while shopping in Target stores caused an outrage, and a new change had to be made.
“Despite the fact that there has never, ever been a law about who can use what bathroom when out in public, we thought were were doing the right thing when we announced that we wanted every shopper to use the bathroom the identified with. Boy, were we wrong,” said Target spokesman George Michaels. “You see, a man can go into a ladies room if he wants, or vice-versa. There is literally no law anywhere in the country that says that they can’t. It’s societal norms that dictate this stuff, not laws. We just wanted to make a point, and we lost millions because of it.”
As such, the company says they will now be adding “gender fluid” or “gender neutral” bathrooms to all stores, so that a person – no matter how they identify – can use the bathroom in piece. All the bathrooms will be single-use only, allowing only one person in at a time.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
After a wildly public debate about transgender bathroom laws breaking out all over the country, Donald Trump has apparently chimed in on the issue after hearing about a recent boycott of Target, who are allowing people to use whichever bathroom they choose based on how they self-identify.
“Trannies don’t need to use the bathroom in Target, in public, or anywhere other than their own home,” said Trump to a gaggle of supporters. “If a man wants to use the women’s bathroom, then whatever. I’ve had to run into the women’s room when the men’s was filled. What are you going to do? But some nasty halfie, some man in a dress, pretending to be a woman? That’s disgusting, and should definitely not be allowed.”
Naturally, the LGBTQ community reacted in outrage do Trump’s comments, despite it not being even slightly out of the ordinary that he would believe something like that. A new trending topic on Twitter, #BoycottTrump, replaced the previous #BoycottTarget within an hour.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Following a very divisive ruling in North Carolina that makes it so that a person’s birth gender is the one they must identify with when using public restrooms, Georgia has created their own new laws, which make it so that people who are transgender are not allowed to use public restrooms at all.
“Trannies are nasty, and we don’t want them to use either bathroom when they are in public,” said Georgia state senator Luke Davidson. “If you are a tranny, you must use your own bathroom, or a bathroom in another private establishment. In public, you are not allowed to use a bathroom, because we don’t trust you not to molest our kids or rape someone.”
Davidson says that the North Carolina ruling made it “very easy” for Georgia to create their own laws, and that it is a major step in the right direction, but transgender people in the state say that the law is too discriminatory.
“I have no desire to molest your children, and I am definitely not a rapist,” said transgender man Ricky Law. “I just have to take a shit sometimes, like anyone else, and I need a bathroom to do it. This law is outrageous, and there are a lot of us that will fight it all the way to the damn White House if we have to.”
“I don’t care what some nasty dickless man says, it’s not right for someone to use a bathroom if they can’t even decide what sex they are,” said Davidson. “Obviously everyone within the state agrees, or we never would have gotten these laws to pass. Sorry trannies, just stop being weird, and you can start going again like the rest of us.”