‘White Entertainment Television’ To Be Added To DirecTV Lineup In December

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAKEVIEW, Delaware –

The founder of the White Christians of America, Richard S. Jennings, announced earlier this week that the group, which promotes “a purely wholesome, caucasian, and Christian existence” will launch a television network via DirecTV in December. The network, White Entertainment Television, or ‘WET’ is to air “clean, Christian, heterosexual, white entertainment.”

“It is our undying mission to compete with the less-than-appropriate trash shown on television today which is obviously confusing our pure, innocent caucasian children,” said Jennings. “We look forward to this endeavor, and together with DirecTV, we have no doubt that our mission will be successful.”

President and CEO of DirecTv, Michael Brown, said that the addition of the network, which will provide programming featuring only those of the white race and Christian religion, is one that shows what DirecTV, now owned by AT&T, is all about.

“We are all about equal opportunity, we offer programming from BET (Black Entertainment Television), so we do not feel that this is any different. Obviously, those who do not want to watch it don’t have to. We simply believe it is only fair to offer everyone of different races and beliefs something that interest them,” said Brown.

While many believe it is only fair, and ironically, an equal opportunity, there are also those who feel this is a step backwards in the ever evolving progression of racial relations in the United States, especially in the heat of a very race-driven political landscape.

DirecTV subscribers can look for the channel to be added to all package lineups on December 20th.

Donald Trump Says That ‘Trannies Don’t Need To Use Public Bathrooms’

Posted on April 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After a wildly public debate about transgender bathroom laws breaking out all over the country, Donald Trump has apparently chimed in on the issue after hearing about a recent boycott of Target, who are allowing people to use whichever bathroom they choose based on how they self-identify.

“Trannies don’t need to use the bathroom in Target, in public, or anywhere other than their own home,” said Trump to a gaggle of supporters. “If a man wants to use the women’s bathroom, then whatever. I’ve had to run into the women’s room when the men’s was filled. What are you going to do? But some nasty halfie, some man in a dress, pretending to be a woman? That’s disgusting, and should definitely not be allowed.”

Naturally, the LGBTQ community reacted in outrage do Trump’s comments, despite it not being even slightly out of the ordinary that he would believe something like that. A new trending topic on Twitter, #BoycottTrump, replaced the previous #BoycottTarget within an hour.

7-11 Convenience Stores ‘Happy For Endorsement’ From Donald Trump

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

During a recent speech, candidate Donald Trump made what his camp is referring to as a “slip of the tongue,” and referred to the tragedies on 9/11 as “7-11.” Although the mistake could have happened to anyone, that fact that it happened to someone as nefariously incompetent as Donald Trump made the internet go wild – especially 7/11 Stores.

“We are extremely happy that Mr. Trump is endorsing our stores,” said 7-11 spokesman Brian Jewel. “Although we really wish that it had been someone like Bernie Sanders, we are elated to be a part of the conversation. We would like to say, though, that we want everyone to know that we do not sponsor any one, particular candidate, but, that doesn’t mean that we won’t enjoy when a specific candidate promotes us.”

In response to Trump’s comment about the stores, the entire 7-11 chain is offering one free Slurpee to any customer who comments as “Trump sent me.”

Donald Trump’s Wife Melania Is Revealed To Be Sex Robot

Posted on March 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Technology has advanced well beyond what most of us would have ever dreamed up. Between the supercomputers in our pockets to Google’s self-driving cars, we live in an age of wonder. Japan has been at the forefront of another technology for many years in the form of sex robots, or uber-realistic robots that can be used for sexual pleasure and, frankly, not much else.

It has recently been discovered that Donald Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, to whom the Donald has been married for the last 10 years, is actually a lab-created robot who was built for the Republican candidate on special order.

“She is beautiful, charming, and she’s an amazing lay,” said The Donald to a group of supporters, recently. “No woman in her right mind would be with me with those atributes. Not even with my wealth and power. I know that – I’m not as dumb as the media makes me out to be. No, instead, I had the best engineers in Japan build Melania for me in a lab. She is 100% to my specifications.”

Trump says that the best part about having a sex robot for a wife is that they “always give it up” when you want it, and it’s not even rape, because they’re not people.

“They also can’t get pregnant, which is fantastic, because no one likes pulling out, that’s for sure,” said Donald. “This model will be good on these batteries until long after I’m dead. It’s truly a marvel of modern technology.”

If Trump wins the presidency, then Melania will be the first sex robot to become the first lady, as well as the first straight sex-machine to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom since Marilyn Monroe had her affair with JFK.

Woman Claims Donald Trump Gave Her Baby Herpes During Meet-and-Greet

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Presidential candidates have long been known to kiss babies during meet-and-greets, so much so that it has become common for people to thrust their babies in to the arms of candidates without so much as a word. One woman, though, has plenty to say, as she says her baby contracted herpes after being kissed by Donald Trump during a rally last month.

“I absolutely love the things that Donald Trump says, and I think he’s amazing,” said Irene Jones, 29. “I want my son to grow up in a world where Donald Trump is president, because I don’t pay much attention to things in life, but when someone says, basically ‘fuck the Mexicans,’ I listen. But this – this is too much for me to handle.”

Jones says that last month she attended a Trump support rally, and asked the aging billionaire candidate to kiss her baby.

“I thought that’s what you did with babies when you brought them to rallies,” said Jones. “I thrust little Joe over to Trump, he gave him a little squeeze on the cheeks, then kissed him. Now my damn baby has herpes!”

Doctors say that it’s impossible to tell where the baby would have contracted the disease, but Jones says she knows for sure it was Trump.

“I don’t let many people kiss my baby, and I haven’t had an outbreak in months, so I know it’s not from me kissing him,” said Jones. “It had to be Donald. I’m pretty upset, but in the long run, it’s not a bad thing to know that our future president passed his STDs to my son. It’s kind of an honor, almost.”

Hillary Clinton Plans To Make Bill Clinton Her Running Mate If She Wins In Primary

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Although he has already served a full two terms as president, nothing is stopping Hillary Clinton from making her husband, Bill Cinton, her vice-presidential running mate should she win during the primary elections; an act she says she is planning on doing.

“Bill has already been there, and he’s already seen what a presidential seat can do to a person, and there is no one better to join me at my side, and in my cabinet, than him,” said Hillary Clinton. “I am officially planning to recognize my husband, Bill, as my running mate if I am to take the primaries.”

Members of Congress say that there is no reason that Bill Clinton cannot serve as vice president, but there are issues were something to happen to Hillary if she were elected, such as a death, or a scandal or other measure that forces her to resign.

“If she were to be elected with Bill Clinton as her vice president, we are unsure, at this time, if he would be able to take over the roll of president as would normally be the case,” said congressional member Richard Doorer (R-Iowa). “As he has already fulfilled his duty as president, and completed two full terms, he is not eligible to run again, but that doesn’t necessarily negate that he could be president again in that sort of situation. We’ll take it as it comes, if it does indeed arise.”

According to an anonymous source inside the Clinton campaign, the entire race has just been one big ploy to get Bill Clinton back into the oval office, with Hillary planning on winning, and immediately stepping down, allowing for her husband to take over.

Actress Stacy Dash of ‘Clueless’ Fame Accused of ‘Turning Against Race’

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Actress Stacey Dash’s recent controversial remarks have made many say she has “turned against her race.” Dash recently denounced BET network and Black History Month, saying these institutions segregate instead of integrate, and criticized double standards that benefit black people.

Rapper Bun B made remarks on his Instagram accusing Dash of hating her black skin and heritage. He says Dash is “as whack as those white kids who couldn’t spell nigga right in their school photo.”

African-Americans who were surveyed said BET and Black History month are here to stay. “We fought for double standards like affirmative action and the BET awards. They’ll pry take Black History Month from my cold dead hands,” said Bun B.

Others say, “Wasn’t that the actress from Clueless? How is what she has to say even relevant? And who the fuck is Bun B?”

Donald Trump Hides Severe Heart Condition From Public

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The last thing a presidential candidate wants to show is weakness. Currently, Donald Trump is leading the Republican polls with 37.4%, while Ted Cruz follows at a staggeringly low 17.4%. Having a heart attack would likely not inspire voter support, and Donald Trump has reportedly been keeping his severe heart condition a secret.

The Trump campaign says voters will think he is soft and they deny he is having any sort of heart troubles.

“I’m not worried about losing financial support at all. I have plenty of money but it’s not all about the Benjamins,” said Trump. “The average republican voter wants a real American man; a little John Wayne, a little Richard Nixon.”

“I’m all that. Between the doctors I can afford and Melania keeping me on a strict diet of olive soil and sprouts, I’ll be around for a long time. The only thing that hurts my heart is when I think of good honest blue collar Americans losing their jobs to illegal immigrants…and 9/11…and those commercials about abused animals. Trump Foundation would do more for that cause, but I’m the least charitable billionaire in the world.”

According to an anonymous source, Trump’s heart condition started around the time he got his small, $2 million dollar loan from his father to start his first business. His heart, which was reportedly normal until that point, shrunk multiple sizes as he became a prize-winning ass clown.

Donald Trump Makes Decision To Leave Republican Party, Run Under Nazi Party

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has reportedly made a switch of parties, but it’s something that most of his supporters say they didn’t see coming: the billionaire mogul has left the Republican party in favor of the New Nazi Party.

“Heil Hitler,” said Trump, greeting a slew of guests and supporters at a rally on Saturday evening with a one-handed salute. “After careful consideration, I have decided that a better party for me would be the Nazi party, and plan to remove myself from the running on the Republican ticket in favor of this new, slightly less inclusive party.”

Trump says that the Republicans seem to have “lost their way” over time, and too many Mexicans, illegals, and even African Americans are ruining the GOP.

“When I was a boy, a Mexican was sight to be afraid of, and a black guy on the street meant trouble,” said Trump. “The republicans, they seem to have forgotten what it means to be a part of the GOP – strict regulation and hating anyone not rich, white, and racist. The New Nazi Party is more my style – less trusting of new ways, and far less trusting of illegals. It’s the way things should be.”

Trump’s supporters say that they really don’t care what party he runs under, because he “speaks his mind,” so idiots that appreciate his candor plan to continue their support.

Syrian Refugees Announce They No Longer Want To Come To United States

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After hearing nothing but shit being spoken of them over the last several weeks, mostly be Republican puppets who do not understand world issues, the Syrian refugees seeking asylum have announced that they no longer wish to seek safety inside the United States.

“With all the crap that Republicans have said about us, with all the stupid things people like Donald Trump have mouthed off about, we have decided that we will no longer be looking to seek asylum in the United States,” said a spokesman for the group of refugees. “We do not want to be put into camps. We do not want to have to wear stupid symbols designating us as Christian or Muslims. None of that matters. None of that should matter. We just want to be safe, and we are beginning to realize that we’d be less safe in America than we would be staying in Syria.”

“I for one am glad them damn Moose-lums don’t wanna come to here no more,” said Texan Joey Goldsmith. “Them damn foreigners already be coming here, taking jobs, taking government handouts, and we can’t even fix our own damn problems. We got homeless vets on the streets for shit’s sake, and now you want to take in some Serbians or whatever? Goddamn Obama been the worst thing to happen to this country since World War 1.”

When reminded that there was also a World War 2 that greatly affected this country, Goldsmith admitted that he wasn’t aware of it.

“Shit, World War 1, 2, I don’t give a shit,” said Goldsmith. “Just keep them damn towel-heads out my damn country. If they come to Texas, I’ll shoot ’em on sight.”