‘White Entertainment Television’ To Be Added To DirecTV Lineup In December

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAKEVIEW, Delaware –

The founder of the White Christians of America, Richard S. Jennings, announced earlier this week that the group, which promotes “a purely wholesome, caucasian, and Christian existence” will launch a television network via DirecTV in December. The network, White Entertainment Television, or ‘WET’ is to air “clean, Christian, heterosexual, white entertainment.”

“It is our undying mission to compete with the less-than-appropriate trash shown on television today which is obviously confusing our pure, innocent caucasian children,” said Jennings. “We look forward to this endeavor, and together with DirecTV, we have no doubt that our mission will be successful.”

President and CEO of DirecTv, Michael Brown, said that the addition of the network, which will provide programming featuring only those of the white race and Christian religion, is one that shows what DirecTV, now owned by AT&T, is all about.

“We are all about equal opportunity, we offer programming from BET (Black Entertainment Television), so we do not feel that this is any different. Obviously, those who do not want to watch it don’t have to. We simply believe it is only fair to offer everyone of different races and beliefs something that interest them,” said Brown.

While many believe it is only fair, and ironically, an equal opportunity, there are also those who feel this is a step backwards in the ever evolving progression of racial relations in the United States, especially in the heat of a very race-driven political landscape.

DirecTV subscribers can look for the channel to be added to all package lineups on December 20th.

Black Lives Matter Group Sued For Being Racist, Not Allowing White Members

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A group of angry white people have filed a motion in the Supreme Court to have the Black Lives Matter movement disbanded, labelling them a hate group who stops white members from joining. The group of individuals, who at this point have not released their names, are also suing the Black Lives Matter group for an undisclosed sum.

“We are tired of being marginalized and held back because of the color of our skin,” read a statement released from the group of white, Christian men. “We wanted to help and to spread the word of the Black Lives Matter movement, but they have held us back from joining at every cost. They are not about love. They are about hate and discrimination.”

A Supreme Court judge will hear the full case on Tuesday, and is expected to determine the merits.

A formal statement from the Black Lives Matter group was received too late to include in this publishing.

Klan Says ‘Guns Don’t Kill People, Black People Kill People’

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FORTH WORTH, Texas –

Christoper Miller, the leader of the Fort Worth Ku Klux Klan chapter, has ignited a wave of anger amongst the public after saying that “guns were not the problem, black people with guns [are],” referring to the Dallas, Texas shooting that killed five white police officers.

The head of the racist group cautioned to a crowd of people outside of a Fort Worth courthouse that “history will repeat itself again and again, as long as black people are allowed to own guns.” Miller was surrounded and protected by a large percentage of the Forth Worth police department.

“There is no gun problem in America,” he told the small group of supporters and bystanders. “Guns don’t kill people, black people kill people. The problem is whose hands you put the guns in. Guns are harmless by themselves, but black people are a menace to society, it’s a fact. Give them a gun, and that nigger will be twice as more likely to kill someone.”

The rally was dispersed shortly after by anxious police who feared a riot from nearby anti-KKK protestors.

Ku Klux Klan Makes Formal Endorsement For Donald Trump Campaign

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

The Ku Klux Klan, America’s favorite hate group, has formally announced their endorsement for Donald Trump as he runs for president of the United States.

“He says what we are all feeling in our hearts and in our heads,” said Klan leader Joe Smith of the Huntsville chapter. “He’s a man who is ready to speak up and fix this country. He wants to build a wall to keep the spics out, and if we can have our way, we’ll get the niggers and the Jews out, too. Put ’em all behind a wall. Trump is the kind of man who can get that done, and we respect that.”

Normally not vocal about their candidate of choice, this is the first time in several decades that the group has spoken out in favor of one particular candidate during a presidential race.

“In 2008, we were adimant on getting anyone into the White House except for Obama, but we failed in our mission,” said Smith. “We didn’t think that that White House should be tarnished by being filled with a dirty black man from Kenya. This time, we will double our efforts in making sure that Trump is elected over anyone else – especially Hillary Clinton.”

Obama’s White House Thanksgiving Dinner Reportedly Only Allowed Black Guests, Only White Servers

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to reports from the White House, the president’s annual Thanksgiving dinner was serviced entirely but white waiters and waitresses, and invitations were sent only to African-Americans, calling some to cry reverse racism.

“I don’t see the problem here,” said President Obama. “All the wait staff were paid incredible wages. They all got to take home the leftovers. All the guests paid to be here, with all the money going to charity. No one seemed hurt by the fact that it was all my black homies at the dinner being served by a bunch of crackers, lease of all the whiteys themselves.”

Republicans who are critical of Obama say that having such a sordid event in the White House only seemed to further the President’s bad name.

“If he had included a couple Mexicans or something at the dinner, then it might not have been so obvious and so brash,” said white Republican Jon Smith. “But, making the dinner an exclusively black affair and then forcing white people to slave away like that? It’s disgusting.”

For his part, Obama said that it really wasn’t done on purpose, it’s just that white people were the only one cleared to be allowed to work in the White House.

Donald Trump Makes Decision To Leave Republican Party, Run Under Nazi Party

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has reportedly made a switch of parties, but it’s something that most of his supporters say they didn’t see coming: the billionaire mogul has left the Republican party in favor of the New Nazi Party.

“Heil Hitler,” said Trump, greeting a slew of guests and supporters at a rally on Saturday evening with a one-handed salute. “After careful consideration, I have decided that a better party for me would be the Nazi party, and plan to remove myself from the running on the Republican ticket in favor of this new, slightly less inclusive party.”

Trump says that the Republicans seem to have “lost their way” over time, and too many Mexicans, illegals, and even African Americans are ruining the GOP.

“When I was a boy, a Mexican was sight to be afraid of, and a black guy on the street meant trouble,” said Trump. “The republicans, they seem to have forgotten what it means to be a part of the GOP – strict regulation and hating anyone not rich, white, and racist. The New Nazi Party is more my style – less trusting of new ways, and far less trusting of illegals. It’s the way things should be.”

Trump’s supporters say that they really don’t care what party he runs under, because he “speaks his mind,” so idiots that appreciate his candor plan to continue their support.

School Forced To Change Racist Mascot, Goes From ‘Warriors’ To ‘Wetbacks’

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SKOWHEGAN, Maine –

A small high school in Maine is fueling massive controversy after being forced to change their “racist” mascot name. The school, which has had the Warrior mascot for decades, decided to change the name after pressure from the community.

“This area of Maine has a high concentration of Native Americans, and the warrior name was extremely offensive,” said Skowhegan resident Joanne Fisher. “I was one of the ones who voted for the change, because I have some Native blood in me somewhere, and I was utterly offended when I moved to the area 2 months ago. I think the new name is a lot better. I’m not Mexican, so what do I care?”

The school chose to go with the new mascot, The Skowhegan Wetback, because they said that there are, in fact, no Wetbacks in the area.

“This area has a decent population of Indians, Jews, and we have some Wops and a couple Gooks, but they keep to themselves and don’t get involved in social issues anyway,” said school superintendent Joe Goldsmith. “I for one was fine with the Warrior name. I think it had more to do with spirit than with the red-skinned people around here, but whatever. The new name works, too.”

The school says that they will be abandoning the Warrior mascot at the end of the school year.

American Medical Association To Recognize ‘Negrophobia’ As Legitimate Mental Illness

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Medical Association released today a statement announcing the addition of ‘Negrophobia’ to the list of official, diagnosable mental illnesses. Negrophobia, which is the fear of black people, was formerly referred to by its more common name, Racism.

“The AMA has made huge advancements in the last 50 years in the understanding of Negrophobia,” said AMA president, Dr. Emmett Brown. “You see, a person who suffers from Negrophobia cannot help but to become terrified of black people. In a normal situation, a non-Negrophobic can rationalize that, hey, that’s just another person. Negrophobics, on the other hand, cannot, and that is where the mental illness comes into play.”

Brown says that it is hard to judge how many people throughout the world may be Negrophobic, but that it seems that many of the mentally ill individuals have gotten jobs in public service, such as law enforcement.

“Judging by the vast amount of headlines of white police officers shooting black men, it is clear that this Negrophobia is a huge problem in the law enforcement world,” said Brown. “The reason the AMA is releasing this information now is so that companies, and agencies who find that they may have higher-than-normal amounts of Negrophobia in their organization can work with the individuals to get them the treatment they need.”

Brown says that the AMA is recommending treatment such as “pulling your head out of your ass” for individuals suffering from Negrophobia.

Racist Hashtag #BlackFaceFun Begins Trending On Social Media

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

White teens throughout the country have begun a new trend of painting their faces black and posting pictures on Instagram and Facebook with the hashtag #BlackFaceFun. The movement, which many assume started as a gag, has grown into a massive trend over the last few weeks, with tens of thousands of posts showing white teens with their faces colored completely black.

“Frankly, I just think it’s hilarious,” said Joey McDonald, 17. “I don’t want to be black – I mean hell, who would want to be black – but it’s hilarious as hell to paint your face, screw around with your friends, and talk like a street thug. It’s not racist, it’s just how the blacks act, you know? If anything, we’re celebrating their culture, not being racist.”

Apparently, most teens share the same thoughts as McDonald, claiming that they don’t see the hashtag as racist, just fun.

“I colored my face in with a Sharpie, so it stayed black for a couple weeks,” said Melissa Brenner, 16. “It actually really taught me a lesson about what the blacks actually go through. I got pulled over while driving my Daddy’s BMW because the cop thought I was really black, and so he just wanted to check to make sure the car wasn’t stolen. Once I told him I was actually white, and that it was just a silly internet thing, we had a good laugh about it.”

Many African-Americans say that the entire concept of the trend is sickening, and they hope that the hashtag doesn’t catch on.

“I don’t go out there, painting my face white with White-Out or whatever, hashtagging ‘WhiteFaceFun’ or ‘WhiteyFun’ or any shit like that,” said Jamal Jenkins, 19. “If I did, I’d probably get my black ass beat down by a gang of KKK guys or something. It’s all bullshit, completely. I hope to hell one of these silly white kids gets shot by a cop just because he thinks they’re actually black. That’ll put an end to this stupid trend pretty damn quick.”

Oreo To Change Color Of Cookies To Combat Rumors Of Racism

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHELSEA, New York –

Oreo, America’s favorite chocolate cookies with the cream center, announced today that they would be changing the color of their cookies after rumors of racist behavior by the company.

“We have received threats against out headquarters and factories, alleging that the cookies we make are representative of two black men sexually assaulting a white woman, based on our chocolate cookies with the white cream,” said Oreo representative Vanessa Jill. “Although we obviously think these rumors are stupid and baseless, we can’t have people threaten our company and employees and not take action. As such, we have decided to change the color of our cookies to show that they are in no way racist or sex related.”

According to Jill, Oreo – which is owned by Nabisco – plans to change the color of their cookies to a lightly-toned magenta, almost a ‘hazy purple,’ a color they say they have researched and determined that no one ethnicity lays claim to.

“We have been dyeing our cookies that dark black since the beginning, and we’ve always been able to change the cream color depending on the flavor of any special edition,” said Jill. “We will now begin dyeing the cookies magenta, in hopes that no one will be offended by our cookies anymore.”

“That is so offensive, like, ohmygod,” said LGBT Alliance member Charlie Day. “I mean, it’s totally clear that Oreo is trying to make a gay reference, putting two hot pink cookies outside of a nice, white filling. Obviously they’re trying to rile up us gays, and it’s working. We will definitely be fighting this choice, and pushing for more neutral colors.”

“Oh give me a Goddamn break,” said Jill. “It’s a cookie. Just eat it, and shut the hell up already.”