MEXICO CITY, Mexico –
Anheuser-Busch InBev, the parent company of Corona brands of beer, has announced they are filing suit against the Chinese government, after the massive Coronavirus scare in that country has caused a mass panic and multiple deaths. AB InBev claims that the bad press of deaths, mixed with the satiric natures of internet memes connecting “coronavirus” with Corona beers has caused them a loss of tens of millions of dollars.
“Anheuser-Busch InBev feels that the Chinese government is solely responsible for putting the bad taste in people’s mouths regarding the name Corona,” said AB InBev spokesman Rick Barker. “The lack of their medical care, the lack of their preparation, has lead to a massive outbreak of the Coronavirus in China, and as such, has lead to a massive souring of our brand here in the United States.”
The lawsuit, which claims nearly $200 million in damages, was filed in a superior court in Beijing, and names several specific government officials and medical personnel.
“While Corona beer has never been particularly popular in the United States with anyone, outside of those who hate the taste of good beer so prefer swill that you have to add fruit to in order to drink it, but that’s not the point,” said Barker. “We are already feeling the pinch of this Coronavirus, and sales figures are dwindling daily. It’s only a matter of time before the connection becomes a total mixture of truth and reality, and people stop drinking Coronas all together because they think they’ll get sick from it. They will, but that’s because it’s garbage beer, not because it’s got any virus in it.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years – items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience at worst. But her latest endeavor, Goop candles that smell like her former A-list vagina, have added a new treat for people dumb enough to buy it – the candles are giving people herpes in their nose.
Paltrow, perhaps best known for playing Robert Downey Jr.’s love interest, Pepper Potts, in the Iron Man films, has fallen to the levels of midnight pitchman over the last few years, and for some reason thought that selling candles scented specifically like her putrid pussy would be hot sellers. Somewhat confusingly, she appears to be right, as the candles are selling, but as they are made from the “natural juices” of Paltrow’s poon, they smell like her vagina, and are also causing people who burn the candle too long to contract herpes.
“I first noticed that I had a weird bump on the outside of my nose,” said Kirk Brown, who has estimated he’s spent around $2,000 on several hundreds of Paltrow’s candles. “I thought it was a pimple. It happens. After it got severe, and I started to feel the bumps in my nose, I went to the doctor. A test confirmed it was nose herpes. I didn’t even know it was possible!”
“I only burned one of her candles for a very short time,” said Melissa Rogers of Atlanta. “I got it as a gag gift from a co-worker at Christmastime. It smelled horrendous; like a cross between stale pee and the cheese you scrape out of an infected vagina. I was not a fan. I became less of a fan when it became clear that I was getting nose herpes. It’s hugely embarrassing.”
Multiple people say they have had similar experiences, and a lawyer has been contacted in at least one of the cases in hopes of a class-action suit. Reps for Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina could not be reached for comment.
LOS ANGELES, California –
Gremlins star Gizmo has filed a lawsuit in a Los Angeles superior court against Disney over their latest viral property, “Baby Yoda,” also known as The Child, from the hit Disney+ series The Mandalorian. Gizmo claims that Disney stole his likeness when they created the cute, cuddly character.
“My client is clearly the basis for the new Disney character affectionately known as Baby Yoda, and designers at Disney knew exactly what they were doing when they developed The Child’s final form,” said lawyer Chris Dante, who is representing Gizmo. “We are seeking damages for the extreme distress, loss of work, and emotional turmoil that Baby Yoda has caused my client. I am confident we have a strong case.”
Lawyers for Disney could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous employee who works on The Mandalorian said that there were draft notes that indicated Disney executives “very much” wanted to have a new character that “was 50% Yoda, 50% Gizmo, and 100% adorable.”
Gizmo first rose to fame in 1984 with his starring role in the Christmas-themed horror film Gremilins.
CARSON, Georgia –
A Georgia man has filed suit against tech giant Apple, saying that after purchasing the latest iPhone, he tried to “eat the device,” and suffered severe damage to his mouth, teeth, and gums.
“My client thought that because the item was an ‘Apple,’ device, that it would be edible as apples generally are,” said Dewey Cheatum, Esq., the attorney representing the unnamed man who engaged in the lawsuit. “We believe we have a very strong case, as Apple does not now, nor have they ever said that their items could not be eaten.”
Apple’s public response to the lawsuit was to have Tim Cook shit directly onto the portfolio, before mailing it back to the office of Cheatum with a note that said “go fuck yourself.”
From Daily World Update:
Roseanne Barr has just filed a suit against George Soros and ABC, claiming the liberal money machine coerced the network into canning her new show over a “misunderstood tweet.” Barr is suing Soros for $60 million, which she claims is lifetime lost revenue for her current and past syndication contracts, as well as the $1 million per episode she was being paid to begin with.
Coincidentally, this lawsuit coincides well with another – a class-action suit is being brought against Roseanne herself by the entire cast and crew of her now-cancelled sitcom.
“I was counting on that paycheck for at least a few seasons,” said Bonnie Jones, a camera operator. “I passed on a few other gigs, and locked into this with ABC and the production company. There’s no way in hell I’m going after ABC, but I have no problems going after Roseanne herself. This is, after all, entirely her fault.”
Co-Star John Goodman echoed the sentiments, but refused to acknowledge whether he was partaking in the lawsuit against Roseanne.
“I don’t need the money, I don’t even really need the work. I’ve never stopped working,” said Goodman. “But I am disappointed that this all ended just because Rosie turned out to be a racist. I mean my God, who would have thought?”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump will be heading to civil court next month over a claim of sexual harassment and abuse charges that were filed by a former employee.
Margot Lambert, 49, alleges that when she was an intern working for the Trump Corporation, Donald Trump made repeated sexual advances towards her, and even groped her during a private meeting. She was later fired after, she claims, refusing to fellate Trump in his office.
“At the request of my attorney, I am not able to say much about the case, except to say that President Trump, then just ‘Donnie,’ as he likes to be called, tried to get me to place his orange, flacid penis in my mouth,” said Lambert. “When I refused, I was later relieved of my duties as his intern. I believe that the two situations are related.”
Although the statute of limitations has run out for any sort of criminal case, Lambert is still free to go after Trump in civil court. Her law team says they are seeking damages in the amount of $6.5 million for mental anguish and recurring nightmares.
“Ms. Lambert sought counselling for many years after the sexual assault, and had finally learned to put the incident behind her,” said Lambert’s lawyer, Richard Kimball. “When Trump became President, Ms. Lambert began having PTSD of her multiple sexual encounters with Trump. We firmly believe we will have no problem in regards to winning this case.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A 16-year-old in Boston has filed one of the most controversial lawsuits in modern history, with legal reports showing that he is suing his own biological parents for being born black.
Jamal Cutler, 16, claims he has suffered his whole life from the shame of being born black, especially because he goes to a predominantly white school outside of Boston, Massachusetts.\
“When I was a kid, I’d spend hours in the shower trying to wash off all the black from my skin, but it would never go away,” he recalls painfully.
His parents admit they were completely in shock when they learned their son had hired a lawyer against them. “We just want to end this nonsense, and we want him to come back home. We will love him no matter the color of his skin,” said Cutler’s mother, Maria, 48. “I’d love him even if he was the color of a baboon’s ass.”
The young man’s lawyer, Robert Hoffman, claims his client has suffered severe psychological distress, symptoms of depression, and suicidal tendencies because of what he called “the burden of being a minority.”
“My client did not choose to live this kind of life. Why would he have to carry the burden of hundreds of years of slavery and racism all because his parents had the selfish desire to bring a child into this world?” he sad during the suit’s opening statements before a judge and grand jury. “Because of the level of psychological distress of my client, we ask that his parents pay for all necessary expenses to change his racial status, including skin coloring treatments.”
Cutler, who plans to change his name to John Smith after he converts to “white,” is asking that his parents pay for the $20,000 skin coloring treatment he needs.
His lawyer argued in court that $20,000 is a low price to pay to positively change this young man’s life, considering the suicidal tendencies of his client and the “profound feeling of shame and despair” his client has faced since his birth.
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
James Holmes, 57, has filed a lawsuit against his former middle school for teaching him abstinence, as he said that they taught him that he would “burn in hell” if he ever had sex, or even masturbated.
From World News Daily Report:
Holmes says the sexual education he received at the Jemison High School was “traumatizing” and has caused him some severe psychological problems.
In an interview with ABC, he described the content of the sexual education classes which he says caused his psychological trauma.
“They taught us that God would smite us if we masturbated and that we would burn in Hell for eternity if we had sex before marriage. They showed us pictures of genitals infected with STDs and told us it was what God did to adulterers.”
These classes had such an impact on Mr. Holmes that whenever he thinks about sex, even today, he suffers from a severe panic attack.
“I’m 47-year old and I’m still a virgin. Every time I think of sex I remember these purulent genitals, so I start panicking, sweating and even vomiting.”
In 2012, he was diagnosed with a Sexual aversion disorder (SAD), a disorder characterized by disgust, fear, revulsion, or lack of desire in consensual relationships involving genital contact.
This type of psychological disorder is usually caused by some traumatic event which causes sex to be associated with a painful experience.
He had to undergo years of psychotherapy and is still heavily medicated, that’s why he demanding almost half a million dollars from his former school.
Holmes’ lawyer says that he believes that the case is a “slam dunk.” Holmes claims that the first thing he plans to do after receiving his winnings is to pay a “lady of the night” to finally take his virginity, but he hopes that he can find a nice one so that afterwards he can settle down.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A man has filed for divorce only hours into his own wedding night after panicking after discovering that his new wife was not exactly what “she” claimed to be.
Ken Spencer, 26, filed for a divorce with Tiana Smith, 28, only four hours into their wedding night, after discovering his partner had a penis.
The newlyweds, who are both devout Catholics, and had waited until marriage to partake in any sexual relationship, were about to consummate their vows, when Spencer discovered things were not “as they should be.”
“It’s short, stumpy and crooked. It leans on the right at a 45-degree angle, then curves back to the left. It’s definitely the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” he explained. “I thought that Tiana was a woman. She…he…whatever. There was no mention that he was a man.”
Divorce attorney Kevin Goldstein claims that his client was lied to about the sex of his partner, who had never told him that he was born a man, and still had a penis.
Spencer is also suing his former partner for $30,000, which is what he estimated was spent in wedding costs, plus a canceled $5,000 honeymoon trip to Hawaii.
“Tiana had sent me pics of her boobs and even a couple down-the-pants shots, and I still have them on my phone,” said Spencer. “She was definitely trying to deceive me. It was either someone else’s vagina, or she tucked it back. Either way, I’m sick just thinking about it. I’ll show them to the judge, and he’ll agree with me.”In many states, the fraudulent conduct of one spouse may provide grounds for divorce. The definition of fraud in the context of divorce law equates to one spouse “grossly misrepresenting issues so important that the other spouse would not have married him had she known the truth.”
WATERTOWN, Connecticut –
Jerry Newbury, 29, is currently trying to sue the state of Connecticut, saying that polygamous marriage should be made legal, at least in special cases like his.
“I was born with two penises, and therefore, I should be allowed to marry two women,” said Newbury, a construction worker in Watertown. “I have never been sexually satisfied just having one woman, but this isn’t even just about the sex. This is also about love. I’ve met two beautiful, amazing women, and they both want to marry me. This is a quest for love!”
A lawyer for Newbury, Martin Preston III, Esq., argues that “the time for polygamy” has come.
“We have interracial marriage, we have gay marriage. I think it’s time that if a man wants to marry multiple women, he should be allowed,” state Preston. “This man is doing a brave service. Think of how hard it is having one, bitchy, nagging wife. Mr. Newbury wants to take on TWO! Imagine how painful this will be for him when their cycles inevitably match up? It will be torture.”
So far, the judge on the case has not made any formal ruling.