CARSON, Georgia –
A Georgia man has filed suit against tech giant Apple, saying that after purchasing the latest iPhone, he tried to “eat the device,” and suffered severe damage to his mouth, teeth, and gums.
“My client thought that because the item was an ‘Apple,’ device, that it would be edible as apples generally are,” said Dewey Cheatum, Esq., the attorney representing the unnamed man who engaged in the lawsuit. “We believe we have a very strong case, as Apple does not now, nor have they ever said that their items could not be eaten.”
Apple’s public response to the lawsuit was to have Tim Cook shit directly onto the portfolio, before mailing it back to the office of Cheatum with a note that said “go fuck yourself.”
From Daily World Update:
Roseanne Barr has just filed a suit against George Soros and ABC, claiming the liberal money machine coerced the network into canning her new show over a “misunderstood tweet.” Barr is suing Soros for $60 million, which she claims is lifetime lost revenue for her current and past syndication contracts, as well as the $1 million per episode she was being paid to begin with.
Coincidentally, this lawsuit coincides well with another – a class-action suit is being brought against Roseanne herself by the entire cast and crew of her now-cancelled sitcom.
“I was counting on that paycheck for at least a few seasons,” said Bonnie Jones, a camera operator. “I passed on a few other gigs, and locked into this with ABC and the production company. There’s no way in hell I’m going after ABC, but I have no problems going after Roseanne herself. This is, after all, entirely her fault.”
Co-Star John Goodman echoed the sentiments, but refused to acknowledge whether he was partaking in the lawsuit against Roseanne.
“I don’t need the money, I don’t even really need the work. I’ve never stopped working,” said Goodman. “But I am disappointed that this all ended just because Rosie turned out to be a racist. I mean my God, who would have thought?”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump will be heading to civil court next month over a claim of sexual harassment and abuse charges that were filed by a former employee.
Margot Lambert, 49, alleges that when she was an intern working for the Trump Corporation, Donald Trump made repeated sexual advances towards her, and even groped her during a private meeting. She was later fired after, she claims, refusing to fellate Trump in his office.
“At the request of my attorney, I am not able to say much about the case, except to say that President Trump, then just ‘Donnie,’ as he likes to be called, tried to get me to place his orange, flacid penis in my mouth,” said Lambert. “When I refused, I was later relieved of my duties as his intern. I believe that the two situations are related.”
Although the statute of limitations has run out for any sort of criminal case, Lambert is still free to go after Trump in civil court. Her law team says they are seeking damages in the amount of $6.5 million for mental anguish and recurring nightmares.
“Ms. Lambert sought counselling for many years after the sexual assault, and had finally learned to put the incident behind her,” said Lambert’s lawyer, Richard Kimball. “When Trump became President, Ms. Lambert began having PTSD of her multiple sexual encounters with Trump. We firmly believe we will have no problem in regards to winning this case.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A 16-year-old in Boston has filed one of the most controversial lawsuits in modern history, with legal reports showing that he is suing his own biological parents for being born black.
Jamal Cutler, 16, claims he has suffered his whole life from the shame of being born black, especially because he goes to a predominantly white school outside of Boston, Massachusetts.\
“When I was a kid, I’d spend hours in the shower trying to wash off all the black from my skin, but it would never go away,” he recalls painfully.
His parents admit they were completely in shock when they learned their son had hired a lawyer against them. “We just want to end this nonsense, and we want him to come back home. We will love him no matter the color of his skin,” said Cutler’s mother, Maria, 48. “I’d love him even if he was the color of a baboon’s ass.”
The young man’s lawyer, Robert Hoffman, claims his client has suffered severe psychological distress, symptoms of depression, and suicidal tendencies because of what he called “the burden of being a minority.”
“My client did not choose to live this kind of life. Why would he have to carry the burden of hundreds of years of slavery and racism all because his parents had the selfish desire to bring a child into this world?” he sad during the suit’s opening statements before a judge and grand jury. “Because of the level of psychological distress of my client, we ask that his parents pay for all necessary expenses to change his racial status, including skin coloring treatments.”
Cutler, who plans to change his name to John Smith after he converts to “white,” is asking that his parents pay for the $20,000 skin coloring treatment he needs.
His lawyer argued in court that $20,000 is a low price to pay to positively change this young man’s life, considering the suicidal tendencies of his client and the “profound feeling of shame and despair” his client has faced since his birth.
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
James Holmes, 57, has filed a lawsuit against his former middle school for teaching him abstinence, as he said that they taught him that he would “burn in hell” if he ever had sex, or even masturbated.
From World News Daily Report:
Holmes says the sexual education he received at the Jemison High School was “traumatizing” and has caused him some severe psychological problems.
In an interview with ABC, he described the content of the sexual education classes which he says caused his psychological trauma.
“They taught us that God would smite us if we masturbated and that we would burn in Hell for eternity if we had sex before marriage. They showed us pictures of genitals infected with STDs and told us it was what God did to adulterers.”
These classes had such an impact on Mr. Holmes that whenever he thinks about sex, even today, he suffers from a severe panic attack.
“I’m 47-year old and I’m still a virgin. Every time I think of sex I remember these purulent genitals, so I start panicking, sweating and even vomiting.”
In 2012, he was diagnosed with a Sexual aversion disorder (SAD), a disorder characterized by disgust, fear, revulsion, or lack of desire in consensual relationships involving genital contact.
This type of psychological disorder is usually caused by some traumatic event which causes sex to be associated with a painful experience.
He had to undergo years of psychotherapy and is still heavily medicated, that’s why he demanding almost half a million dollars from his former school.
Holmes’ lawyer says that he believes that the case is a “slam dunk.” Holmes claims that the first thing he plans to do after receiving his winnings is to pay a “lady of the night” to finally take his virginity, but he hopes that he can find a nice one so that afterwards he can settle down.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A man has filed for divorce only hours into his own wedding night after panicking after discovering that his new wife was not exactly what “she” claimed to be.
Ken Spencer, 26, filed for a divorce with Tiana Smith, 28, only four hours into their wedding night, after discovering his partner had a penis.
The newlyweds, who are both devout Catholics, and had waited until marriage to partake in any sexual relationship, were about to consummate their vows, when Spencer discovered things were not “as they should be.”
“It’s short, stumpy and crooked. It leans on the right at a 45-degree angle, then curves back to the left. It’s definitely the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” he explained. “I thought that Tiana was a woman. She…he…whatever. There was no mention that he was a man.”
Divorce attorney Kevin Goldstein claims that his client was lied to about the sex of his partner, who had never told him that he was born a man, and still had a penis.
Spencer is also suing his former partner for $30,000, which is what he estimated was spent in wedding costs, plus a canceled $5,000 honeymoon trip to Hawaii.
“Tiana had sent me pics of her boobs and even a couple down-the-pants shots, and I still have them on my phone,” said Spencer. “She was definitely trying to deceive me. It was either someone else’s vagina, or she tucked it back. Either way, I’m sick just thinking about it. I’ll show them to the judge, and he’ll agree with me.”In many states, the fraudulent conduct of one spouse may provide grounds for divorce. The definition of fraud in the context of divorce law equates to one spouse “grossly misrepresenting issues so important that the other spouse would not have married him had she known the truth.”
WATERTOWN, Connecticut –
Jerry Newbury, 29, is currently trying to sue the state of Connecticut, saying that polygamous marriage should be made legal, at least in special cases like his.
“I was born with two penises, and therefore, I should be allowed to marry two women,” said Newbury, a construction worker in Watertown. “I have never been sexually satisfied just having one woman, but this isn’t even just about the sex. This is also about love. I’ve met two beautiful, amazing women, and they both want to marry me. This is a quest for love!”
A lawyer for Newbury, Martin Preston III, Esq., argues that “the time for polygamy” has come.
“We have interracial marriage, we have gay marriage. I think it’s time that if a man wants to marry multiple women, he should be allowed,” state Preston. “This man is doing a brave service. Think of how hard it is having one, bitchy, nagging wife. Mr. Newbury wants to take on TWO! Imagine how painful this will be for him when their cycles inevitably match up? It will be torture.”
So far, the judge on the case has not made any formal ruling.
BOISE, Idaho –
Marissa and Alex Murphy of Idaho say they have been Donald Trump supporters “since the beginning,” and are adamant that he will help to Make America Great Again. They are such strong fans that they named their newborn son in his honor: Donald Trump Murphy. But the naming has apparently caused them a great deal of issues, as President Trump has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the couple.
“Donald Trump is suing us for breach of copyright and trademark,” said Marissa, 30. “We named our son Donald because we love President Trump. This was supposed to be something beautiful, but we are so distressed. It would cost us a lot to have his name changed at this point, but President Trump is suing us anyway, saying that no one else can be named Donald Trump. He apparently has a copyright on his own name.”
President Trump could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman from the White House did admit there was a lawsuit pending. The amount is undisclosed, but the Murphys say it is for $3 million.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A family in Massachusetts is suing Mars Inc over the false advertising of their Life Savers brand of candy after a man who was obsessed with their Wint-O-Green hard candies contracted diabetes and later died.
“You cannot call your product a ‘life saver’ if it can kill you,” said Martha Roberts, 53, whose husband, Carl, died after becoming obsessed the candies. “Carl would be turning 58 tomorrow, except these candies killed him, and it’s not right.”
According to the lawsuit, Roberts contends that her husband thought that Life Savers were a “healthy food,” because they were called Life Savers. He would usually eat 4 or 5 large bags of the individually wrapped candies a day for months at a time.
“He was obsessed with them, and we thought he was doing okay. They’re really low calorie, and he did lose some weight because he was only eating Life Savers,” said Roberts. “Then he passed out one day, and we rushed him to the ER. The doctors said his blood sugar was over 1,000, and he was in a diabetic coma. He died later that night. I’m still devastated, the whole family is.”
Mars Inc had no comment on the lawsuit. A lawyer for the company said they would be “looking into” the claims.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Melania Trump says the plans to sue “comedian” Kathy Griffin after a viral picture showing Griffin holding a decapitated likeness of Donald Trump, has “scared her to her core,” and caused her PTSD to be triggered.
“Melania grew up in a time and place where anything could happen, and she witnessed many cruel crimes committed against friends and family,” said her lawyer, Darren Marshall, Esq. “As such, this picture of her ‘husband’ being beheaded – a man she loves and cherishes more than anything – has triggered severe flashbacks to her childhood.”
Even Trump detractors are deriding the image, calling it “tasteless” and “cruel.”
“No matter your opinion on Trump, no matter which side you fall on, he’s still our President, he’s still a father,” said Facebook user Joel Silver in a post that has since gone viral. “Imagine being young Baron, and seeing that picture. It’s disgusting.”
The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages. Neither Griffin nor her lawyers or manager could be reached for comment.