Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina-Scented Candle Is Reportedly Giving People Herpes in Their Nasal Passages

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years – items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience at worst. But her latest endeavor, Goop candles that smell like her former A-list vagina, have added a new treat for people dumb enough to buy it – the candles are giving people herpes in their nose.

Paltrow, perhaps best known for playing Robert Downey Jr.’s love interest, Pepper Potts, in the Iron Man films, has fallen to the levels of midnight pitchman over the last few years, and for some reason thought that selling candles scented specifically like her putrid pussy would be hot sellers. Somewhat confusingly, she appears to be right, as the candles are selling, but as they are made from the “natural juices” of Paltrow’s poon, they smell like her vagina, and are also causing people who burn the candle too long to contract herpes.

“I first noticed that I had a weird bump on the outside of my nose,” said Kirk Brown, who has estimated he’s spent around $2,000 on several hundreds of Paltrow’s candles. “I thought it was a pimple. It happens. After it got severe, and I started to feel the bumps in my nose, I went to the doctor. A test confirmed it was nose herpes. I didn’t even know it was possible!”

“I only burned one of her candles for a very short time,” said Melissa Rogers of Atlanta. “I got it as a gag gift from a co-worker at Christmastime. It smelled horrendous; like a cross between stale pee and the cheese you scrape out of an infected vagina. I was not a fan. I became less of a fan when it became clear that I was getting nose herpes. It’s hugely embarrassing.”

Multiple people say they have had similar experiences, and a lawyer has been contacted in at least one of the cases in hopes of a class-action suit. Reps for Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina could not be reached for comment.

Yankee Candle Releases New ‘Cat Piss’ and ‘Homeless Wanderer’ Scents

Yankee Candle Releases New 'Cat Piss' and 'Homeless Wanderer' Scents

SOUTH DEERFIELD, Massachusetts – 

Yankee Candle Company, one of the largest retailers of specicialty candles in the world, has recently announced a new line of ‘horrible smelling’ candles, which they will begin selling in their retail locations in the summer.

“We have been known for having long-lasting, sweet and almost delicious smelling candles for years,” said Yankee Candle spokesman Kyle Durkins. “Our Yankee Smellentists have been hard at work in the lab for months, seeking to create our new line, which we hope will be for those of our customers who want to try something a little different.”

Durkins says that among the new line of candles will be scents such as ‘Cat Piss,’ ‘Homeless Wanderer,’ ‘Dog Shit,’ and ‘Sweaty Pubic Hair.’

“We really wanted to get a vast variety of smells out there, and for years, our customers were asking us, ‘Hey Yankee, when are you going to make a bad candle for once?!’ We certainly didn’t want to let down our fans, so our new like of Yankee Skanky Candles will be released starting in June.”

“Personally, I can’t wait to get my hands on ‘Hot Garbage’ and ‘Next Morning Mexcian,'” said frequent Yankee Candle shopper Carlie Frost, 33. “My family loves their current smells so much, I can only imagine what something like ‘Fart Forrest’ might smell like. It’s like collecting memories, that’s how I think of it!”

Durkins said that they are accepting pre-orders for their candles in stores and on their website.

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