Flint Residents Urged To Boil And Drink Their Own Urine During Michigan Water Crisis


FLINT, Michigan – 

The small town of Flint, Michigan has had a serious problem with polluted drinking water for the last few years, but the problem has recent reached epic proportions after national news outlets picked up the story, making people aware of the lead-filled river water that residents have been drinking.

Diseases and sickness have caused multiple hospitalizations and even several deaths since the city’s government began telling people that the water was safe to drink, despite its brown and yellow color when straight from the tap. Because of the national media attention, the city officials have decided to recant their statements about the water’s safety, and instead suggests that residents boil and drink their own urine.

“It is much, much safer for you to urinate into jars, bottles, or jugs, boil it, and then drink that,” said Flint city council member Roger Lewis. “You can drink your own urine up to three times before it becomes poisonous, but that is still safer to drink than the river water we’ve been saying was safe for the last few years.”

Residents are currently being given water from other states by the US government, but they must show a valid Michigan license with a Flint address on it to qualify, as well as provide a social security number. Flint city council members say that the water crisis may not end for some time, and that they will continue to research methods for residents to obtain water, including saving saliva and sweat for possible use.

Bear Grylls Hospitalized With Urine Poisoning

bear grylls

McMURDO STATION, Antarctica – 

Edward Michael “Bear” Grylls, an explorer who is best known for his TV series Man Vs. Wild, was reportedly hospitalized while on a trek in Antarctica. Reports indicate that Grylls was rushed to a facility in McMurdo Station after complaining of violent stomach cramps.

“When he arrived, Mr. Grylls was in severe pain, and we ran multiple tests,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the McMurdo General Hospital. “In questioning him, we discovered that it was quite common for him to drink his own urine while on his treks. When we checked, his urea-levels were off the charts.”

According to Brown, it is actually not completely unsafe to drink your own urine, as it is mostly water, sodium, and potassium, but that you can only do so once, maybe twice, before your urine becomes poisonous.

“You could wake up tomorrow, and drink your pee, and you’d be fine,” said Brown. “You could probably drink your next pee, too. After that, you’re starting to drink pee that has gone through your system multiple times, and that is going to cause problems. That is what happened to Mr. Grylls.”

At the time of this writing, Grylls was still hospitalized, and was having his system flushed with clean, clear liquids.

“We highly recommended that Mr. Grylls no longer drinks his own pee,” said Brown.

Yankee Candle Releases New ‘Cat Piss’ and ‘Homeless Wanderer’ Scents

Yankee Candle Releases New 'Cat Piss' and 'Homeless Wanderer' Scents

SOUTH DEERFIELD, Massachusetts – 

Yankee Candle Company, one of the largest retailers of specicialty candles in the world, has recently announced a new line of ‘horrible smelling’ candles, which they will begin selling in their retail locations in the summer.

“We have been known for having long-lasting, sweet and almost delicious smelling candles for years,” said Yankee Candle spokesman Kyle Durkins. “Our Yankee Smellentists have been hard at work in the lab for months, seeking to create our new line, which we hope will be for those of our customers who want to try something a little different.”

Durkins says that among the new line of candles will be scents such as ‘Cat Piss,’ ‘Homeless Wanderer,’ ‘Dog Shit,’ and ‘Sweaty Pubic Hair.’

“We really wanted to get a vast variety of smells out there, and for years, our customers were asking us, ‘Hey Yankee, when are you going to make a bad candle for once?!’ We certainly didn’t want to let down our fans, so our new like of Yankee Skanky Candles will be released starting in June.”

“Personally, I can’t wait to get my hands on ‘Hot Garbage’ and ‘Next Morning Mexcian,'” said frequent Yankee Candle shopper Carlie Frost, 33. “My family loves their current smells so much, I can only imagine what something like ‘Fart Forrest’ might smell like. It’s like collecting memories, that’s how I think of it!”

Durkins said that they are accepting pre-orders for their candles in stores and on their website.

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