DETROIT, Michigan –
A new survey released today from the prestigious Harvard College of Detroit shows that residents across the state rated Flint tap water higher on the ‘Trustworthiness’ scale than current President Donald Trump. In the study, they found that Trump only was able to score a 14%, while Flint tap water scored a surprising 49%.
“Well, what do you expect?” said Michigan resident Duke Henry. “Thanks to the tap water in Flint, we’re really, really good at smelling shit. We know when something isn’t right. I can’t see through the tap water here, but I can see right through that Cheeto, and all of his lies.”
Resident Shirley Tanner agrees. “At some point you have to stop blaming the water for the fact your kids are dumb and lazy,” she said. “I would trust a fart after a Taco Bell run more than I’d ever trust President Trump.”
Other findings from the study were also critical of Trump’s trustworthiness. “Donald Trump’s lies affect brain development, in both children and adults, but especially those active on the internet,” said Dr. Miles Teller, who conducted the study. “Exposure to Trump’s falsehoods can also cause, among other things, full-blown retardation in those exposed for long periods of time. The neurological and behavioral effects of his lies are believed to be irreversible.”
FLINT, Michigan –
Residents of Flint, Michigan have begun having been having their water imported from other states for quite some time, as the situation of their own water has been disasterous. But now, some residents have begun looking even further away, and are having their water imported from across the border in Tijuana.
“Our water is so bad, that Mexican tap water looks like crystal-clear spring water in comparison,” said Flint resident Mario Jones. “I can get about 50 gallons of Mexican tap water for about $5, which is a lot cheaper than here. Sure, it still gives me the shits, but that’s par for the course now. At least it doesn’t look like sewage.”
Mexico has been grateful for the business, with several companies across the border saying that they thought they would NEVER have use for tap water.
“Our water, it was muy disgustingo,” said Pedro Martinez. “But when I heard about the hydro crisis in Flint, I thought it was a good idea to start up a new company, and get them the water that they need. So I fill up about 200 gallon bottles a week, and I drive them into Arizona, where it can be shipped much cheaper. It’s a great deal for me. My family has lots of extra pesos now.”
The average person does not think twice when he turns on the water for a shower, a drink or to clean his hands. We have all enjoyed access to clean, fresh water for years without a single worry. Unfortunately, this is likely to change in the future. Already in parts of the world like the Middle East and Africa, clean water can be harder to get than oil.
One proposed solution is to mine ice from the icecaps, since they are melting into the oceans anyway, and ship them to places like Saudi Arabia in exchange for it.
This is only going to get worse across the globe, as ecologist Bridget Bishop explains, “If humanity fails to limit population growth, wars will inevitably be fought for access to fresh water just like they were fought over oil in the 20th century. It is not prudent use of massive amounts of water to maintain lush green golf courses throughout the year. If we continue our wasteful ways, water could eventually become even more valuable than oil.”
Politicians, economists, demographers and just about anyone else “in the know” agrees that access to clean and fresh water will soon become humanity’s most important challenge. This is precisely why water will be treated like oil was in the 20th century.
JONESVILLE, Florida –
A 230-pound man, George Lewis, says that he completely rid his body of type-2 diabetes by drinking nothing but water – over 100 gallons in total – over a week-long period.
“My doctor told me I needed to be more hydrated, and stop eating so much crap,” said Lewis, 37. “I was a diabetic, and I didn’t want to die. So I started drinking more and more water, and then I realized I couldn’t stop drinking water. Over a week, I drank over 100 gallons. About 15 jugs a day.”
According to Lewis and his doctors, the former construction worker is no free of diabetes, with blood sugar levels at around 87.
“It’s amazing, really. The first time I’ve ever seen anything like it,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Lewis’ physician. “I told him to get some more fluids, and get some exercise, but he took this to heart. I’m glad he went above and beyond. His body is working like a champ.”
“Thing of it is, when I had diabetes, I was peeing probably every hour or so. Like a pregnant woman,” said Lewis. “After my water battle, I’m peeing every 10 minutes or so; have been for about 3 weeks. In the end, though, it’s all good. At least I’m disease free.”
DARWIN, Mississippi –
A family of three died yesterday after inadvertently leaving their sunroof open when going through an automated carwash. Mary and Roger Jones, both 32, and their daughter, Julie, 11, were all killed after the car filled with water.
“It’s a tragic, horrible thing,” said carwash owner Joe Goldsmith. “Thing is, we have signs everywhere reminding people to close their windows. The water comes fast and furious, and it’s dangerous to have windows open. This is the first time in my 40 years as a carwash owner that something like this has happened, though.”
According to police, Roger Jones, who was driving, left the sunroof of their vehicle open as they entered the automated carwash. Security footage shows that a few seconds after they enter, the sunroof does begin to close, but the water reportedly shorted out the motor.
“The car was filled with over 200 gallons of soapy, sudsy, 300-degree water,” said police chief Miles Smith. “It’s a real tragedy, but a real cautionary tale as well. Always make sure you close your windows.”
FLINT, Michigan –
According to the EPA, an accidental spill of over 20 million gallons of fresh, clean, filtered drinking water was spilled into the Flint, Michigan river, where the town’s horrendous drinking water comes from.
Thousands of citizens rushed to their kitchen faucets, and were extremely pleased to find that a lot of the yellow and brown color was fading away, and that almost all of the smell was removed from the water.
“It’s a miracle, really. A true miracle that this happened,” said Flint resident Michael Moore. “Normally I go to my tap, and I mostly get piss-colored swill water, but now it’s almost clean! You pray and pray for accidents like this to happen, and then my God, dreams come true.”
According to the Flint chapter of the EPA, a railroad car filled with over 20 million gallons of water derailed last week, spilling into the town’s drinking supply.
FLINT, Michigan –
The small town of Flint, Michigan has had a serious problem with polluted drinking water for the last few years, but the problem has recent reached epic proportions after national news outlets picked up the story, making people aware of the lead-filled river water that residents have been drinking.
Diseases and sickness have caused multiple hospitalizations and even several deaths since the city’s government began telling people that the water was safe to drink, despite its brown and yellow color when straight from the tap. Because of the national media attention, the city officials have decided to recant their statements about the water’s safety, and instead suggests that residents boil and drink their own urine.
“It is much, much safer for you to urinate into jars, bottles, or jugs, boil it, and then drink that,” said Flint city council member Roger Lewis. “You can drink your own urine up to three times before it becomes poisonous, but that is still safer to drink than the river water we’ve been saying was safe for the last few years.”
Residents are currently being given water from other states by the US government, but they must show a valid Michigan license with a Flint address on it to qualify, as well as provide a social security number. Flint city council members say that the water crisis may not end for some time, and that they will continue to research methods for residents to obtain water, including saving saliva and sweat for possible use.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical Center have discovered a link between cleanliness and STD prevention. According to Dr. Richard Long, after sex with a partner of ‘unknown STD status,’ a regular shower using soap, hot water, and regular shampoo and conditioner, can completely wash away any and all sexually transmitted diseases.
“Basically, it’s really quite simple,” said Long. “If you’re happily humping away with some boy or some girl whose sexual history you don’t know, or who you cannot completely trust to be telling you the truth, just immediately go and take a hot shower after intercourse. If you can manage to get into the shower within 2 minutes of orgasm, you are nearly 100% likely to wash away any STDs you may have been at risk in contracting.”
Long says they tested the theory by having men and women have sex with people who were positively infected with genital herpes, Gonorrhea, crabs, and syphilis. Of the 50 men and 50 women who were exposed via unprotected sex during the study, all were told to continue until climax, and then immediately shower. None of the exposed became infected with an STD.
“We aren’t really sure if we had to make them go until they climaxed, but they weren’t getting paid for this study, so we figured they should get something out of it,” said Long. “That said, though, none of our participants left with an STD. Well, the 50 men and 50 women who had an STD when they came in left with one, but that’s not what I meant.”
Long says that they plan to publish the full study in the next issue of Medical Science Yearly. In the meantime, he says that he hopes that young people “continue to abstain as much as possible, just in case.”
SEATTLE, Washington –
A new food regulation passed by the Washington State School Board is set to start after the holiday vacation.
Beginning in January, all water and ‘water-related products’ will be banned from public schools. The decision was made as a safety measure with board leaders claiming water is too unhealthy to have in any school.
“With childhood obesity, food allergies, and other concerns with what our schools feed children, you would have to think water would be the last thing that would be banned,” said school board member Joan Myles. “But we don’t have the money to test the local water system, and fear an unclean water source can lead to health issues that could make our children sick or shut down the school.”
“We have decided to cut out the middle man and save a few dollars, while making sure the risk of water won’t plague the future of our schools,” said school board president Richard Head. “Programs in schools are getting cut left and right, and now this is just another thing that will become a past memory when thinking about your schools, like music education or pizza day.”
Parents have argued that students should be able to drink water brought from home while in class, as many local residents have private wells on their property, but school board has said that will be a no-go either, as they are claiming it as a possible ‘choking hazard.’
“Lunches that will be provided at the school will also have to be made without water,” said Head. “The portions will also be cut down so children can properly swallow their food without choking. Don’t think of this is a negative change, just think of it as something that could save your child’s life. They won’t need water, because we have Coca-Cola machines that are being installed in the cafeteria and in several hallways throughout the school.”