Michigan Welfare Changes Start in January – No More Soda, Chips, Candy, or Junk Food


DETROIT, Michigan – 

As of January 1st, major changes to the Michigan State Welfare Program will take effect, and the largest difference will be what people are allowed to buy with their food stamps.

According to changes in the welfare laws, Michigan residents will no longer be allowed to buy junk food, candy, soda, or anything the state has deemed to have “less than regular” nutritional value. The changes come after a study found that the number one purchase using food stamps were 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, followed closely by Doritos.

“The people of Michigan are fat, lazy, and useless. Most of them are living off the state as it is, and these welfare leeches need a drastic wakeup call,” said Michigan Senator Marc Collins. “These changes are for the good of the state. Health will improve, and people can stop draining our society and get back to work. They’re going to have to if they want Mountain Dew and potato chips.”

“This is some serious, extremely lame bullshit,” said welfare recipient Gary Gross. “I ain’t living off the welfare. I got a job. I work 11 hours a week, and that’s all they can give me. I bust my ass them 11 hours, too, but I need them food stamps to live. If I ain’t getting them, or ain’t able to buy soda and chips, then what’s the point of getting them? Am I supposed to buy steaks or something? Shit, you gotta cook those!”

Officially, the changes to the Welfare restrictions will take place January 14th, 2018, but state representatives are telling people to start buying healthier options as of January 1st.

Flint, Michigan Begins Having Tap Water Imported From Mexico


FLINT, Michigan – 

Residents of Flint, Michigan have begun having been having their water imported from other states for quite some time, as the situation of their own water has been disasterous. But now, some residents have begun looking even further away, and are having their water imported from across the border in Tijuana.

“Our water is so bad, that Mexican tap water looks like crystal-clear spring water in comparison,” said Flint resident Mario Jones. “I can get about 50 gallons of Mexican tap water for about $5, which is a lot cheaper than here. Sure, it still gives me the shits, but that’s par for the course now. At least it doesn’t look like sewage.”

Mexico has been grateful for the business, with several companies across the border saying that they thought they would NEVER have use for tap water.

“Our water, it was muy disgustingo,” said Pedro Martinez. “But when I heard about the hydro crisis in Flint, I thought it was a good idea to start up a new company, and get them the water that they need. So I fill up about 200 gallon bottles a week, and I drive them into Arizona, where it can be shipped much cheaper. It’s a great deal for me. My family has lots of extra pesos now.”

Gang Initiation In Detroit Causes Panic After 30 People Killed In 30 Days


DETROIT, Michigan – 

A new gang trying to make a name for themselves in Detroit, Michigan is said to be playing a deadly game. The crew, known on the streets as The Detroit Hitmen are allegedly looking to kill 100 random people over a 100 day period. So far, police say the gang has killed 30 people, none of which had gang affiliations or ties of any kind.

“These people, this gang, they’re killing anyone. They’re killing young or old, black or white. The deaths have no connection, and we are at a loss on how to stop them,” said police chief Gabe Miller. “We want everyone to stay inside, keep your doors locked. They are not killing at any time of day. The deaths have been random, from stabbings to shootings. The violence is unreal.”

Chief Miller says that the gang is made up of at least 50 different members, all of whom are white.

“Unlike the black gangs, which usually wear colors or have identifying marks or signs, this gang doesn’t do any of that,” said Chief Miller. “That’s what makes them so deadly. All of the suspects we’ve dealt with were white, mid-to-late 20s, educated, and articulate. Most of them come from middle-class or upper-middle-class homes. Trying to handle this violence when it’s being perpetrated by white kids is extremely difficult.”


20 Million Gallons of Fresh Water Accidentally Spilled Into Flint, Michigan River


FLINT, Michigan – 

According to the EPA, an accidental spill of over 20 million gallons of fresh, clean, filtered drinking water was spilled into the Flint, Michigan river, where the town’s horrendous drinking water comes from.

Thousands of citizens rushed to their kitchen faucets, and were extremely pleased to find that a lot of the yellow and brown color was fading away, and that almost all of the smell was removed from the water.

“It’s a miracle, really. A true miracle that this happened,” said Flint resident Michael Moore. “Normally I go to my tap, and I mostly get piss-colored swill water, but now it’s almost clean! You pray and pray for accidents like this to happen, and then my God, dreams come true.”

According to the Flint chapter of the EPA, a railroad car filled with over 20 million gallons of water derailed last week, spilling into the town’s drinking supply.

Flint Residents Urged To Boil And Drink Their Own Urine During Michigan Water Crisis


FLINT, Michigan – 

The small town of Flint, Michigan has had a serious problem with polluted drinking water for the last few years, but the problem has recent reached epic proportions after national news outlets picked up the story, making people aware of the lead-filled river water that residents have been drinking.

Diseases and sickness have caused multiple hospitalizations and even several deaths since the city’s government began telling people that the water was safe to drink, despite its brown and yellow color when straight from the tap. Because of the national media attention, the city officials have decided to recant their statements about the water’s safety, and instead suggests that residents boil and drink their own urine.

“It is much, much safer for you to urinate into jars, bottles, or jugs, boil it, and then drink that,” said Flint city council member Roger Lewis. “You can drink your own urine up to three times before it becomes poisonous, but that is still safer to drink than the river water we’ve been saying was safe for the last few years.”

Residents are currently being given water from other states by the US government, but they must show a valid Michigan license with a Flint address on it to qualify, as well as provide a social security number. Flint city council members say that the water crisis may not end for some time, and that they will continue to research methods for residents to obtain water, including saving saliva and sweat for possible use.

Pres. Obama Orders Millions Of ‘Disposable Coffins’ In Anticipation of Ebola Deaths

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Pres. Obama Orders Millions Of 'Disposable Coffins' In Anticipation of Ebola Deaths

Despite claims from the CDC and other health organizations that the American people are safe from being infected with the very-deadly Ebola virus, President Obama has been secretly stock-piling over $65 million dollars worth of ‘disposable coffins,’ or plastic bins in which people can be contained and buried in the wake of an Ebola epidemic.

The coffins, which were discovered by a pilot in Madison, Georgia, are estimated to be numbered in the millions, a scary thought for a country already panicked by the idea of a deadly virus in their midst.

“I was out flying one day, and I happened over into Madison, just sight-seeing,” said Joseph Goldsmith. “I live in Covington, not too far away from Madison. Over there we got the Vantage Products company, and they already make heavy-duty casket liners for folks who are worried about being eaten alive once they’re dead, for some reason. Anyway, I happened to notice a handful of Vantage trucks pulling into a giant, gated area while I was flying over Madison. There were hundreds of thousands of large, plastic coffins. I turned around and flew the hell home fast. It was unnerving.”

An employee for Vantage Products, who asked not to be named, said that it was true that a large order of pre-fabricated plastic coffins, normally used as liners but specially designed to be used to hold actual remains, had come from someone at the White House.

“The President himself doesn’t sign the check, of course,” said the anonymous employee. “But I can tell you that the order is large, in the millions of dollars and in the tens of millions of actual product. They are preparing for an epidemic of monstrous proportions. It’s clear to me that they know something we don’t.”

Representatives from the White House refused to comment. Health officials from the Center For Disease Control maintain there is nothing to worry about, and that Ebola, although deadly, is very difficult to contract, and it has not, as some conspiracy theorists believe, become an airborne illness.

Michigan Woman Arrested For ‘Eating Too Provocatively’

DEARBORN, Michigan – empire-news-michigan-woman-arrested-for-eating-too-provocatively

Lovingly referred to as “Little Lebanon” by many of its residents due to the city’s highly concentrated Lebanese population, Dearborn, Michigan was home to a rather bizarre arrest this past Saturday when Katherine Murphy, a Dearborn native of Irish descent, was grabbing a shawarma (a wrap filled with meat and vegetables) for lunch with her coworker at a popular local establishment. Two police officers approached her, claiming complaints had been made by several passerby about the way she was eating and the clothes she wore.

“I was just minding my business, eating my lunch, and all of the sudden I was being treated like a criminal, of the worst kind! A perverted criminal!” Said Katherine, who says she was wearing slacks and a button down blouse at the time of her arrest. “I just can’t believe this is happening to me. I mean – how can this be right? I have to find a lawyer, and go through a whole process. For what? For not covering my hair?”

In a bizarre situation like this, one can see how prevalent the Arab influence is in the city, especially in East Dearborn, where many of the local shops have signs written in both English and Arabic. With most businesses catering to the Arab population, it becomes more clear why Murphy stuck out like a sore thumb.

The officers arrested Murphy, citing complaints they claimed to have received about ‘a woman who was eating a shawarma in a provocative manner while exposing herself to the public.’ Murphy, who was rightfully outraged, was very vocal in her opposition of what she says was a ‘pathetic abuse of power.’

“All of the women around me were wearing hijabs, but I wasn’t. I’m not Muslim. I respect that their culture, but I don’t think I should have partake to just because I want to eat lunch. And not wearing one certainly doesn’t mean I was exposing myself!”

Modesty is a virtue valued in the Muslim community. Many women choose to cover their bodies, baring minimal to no skin, sometimes showing only the eyes, feet and hands. They rarely expose more than this to anyone beyond close relatives, to prevent a man they may marry from seeing what they look like. A hijab is a traditional scarf women wear to cover their hair, and sometimes face.

Abdullah Mouawad, Murphy’s coworker, takes her side on this issue.

“I don’t think she was eating provocatively on purpose, Katherine’s just a very attractive woman and she can’t help that a shawarma is so phallic in nature.” says Mouawad. “Police corruption of power is out of control in this city. They told her that her hair should be covered and there were plenty of places where she could buy a hijab to do so. I feel really bad because we had never been to that restaurant and it was my suggestion. I don’t even know how to help her now.”

Murphy was arrested and charged with Misdemeanor Indecent Exposure and was release on $2,000 bail while she awaits trial.

“I don’t believe I did anything wrong, but I’m still really nervous. I could be put on the sex offenders list!” Murphy said, although, she hasn’t let this ordeal curb her appetite for exotic cuisine. “I’ve had two shawarma’s since, but now I just have my husband pick up carry-out.”

The two officers who arrested Murphy and their superiors refused comment for this article.

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