Multiple People Hospitalized, Several Arrested During ‘Rush Limbaugh Has Cancer’ Celebration in Boston

BOSTON, MA

Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday.

Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung cancer, and liberals across the country let out a massive cheer. In Boston, a public celebration took place during the afternoon on Friday, with an estimated 35,000 people in attendance outside of Fenway Park.

“When I heard that Rush was going to die, I couldn’t wait to celebrate,” said Rick Baker, 39, of Boston. “If there were ever a more worthless, piece of shit, talking head on radio and TV, I don’t know who it is. I heard about the party on the radio Friday morning, called out of work, and headed down to the park  to party.”

Boston Police Department say that the gathering was not authorized, but they caught wind of the party on social media, and were able to send a “significant number of police officers” to the area to keep things under control.

“We were able to keep things really under control under the conservative protestors showed up,” said Boston Police Chief Frank R. Green. “The people who were there to enjoy the celebration were great. Unfortunately, some Rush supporters spoiled the fun. In the end, we arrested multiple people and our police forces had to, sadly, beat down many protestors who did not listen to directions to vacate the area.”

Green said that none of the “Rushers” had life-threatening injuries, and that most would be out of the  hospital within a few days.

“Next time, perhaps these people will listen,” said Green. “If a group of people want to celebrate the inevitable death of a world class piece of shit, we will support that. If you want to get in the way of that, we will ensure that you’re dealt with accordingly.”

Rush Limbaugh, who for some stupid reason received the Presidential Medal of Freedom last week, ensuring that it is now 100% meaningless, could not be reached for comment.

Florida Man Arrested After Authorities Find 29 Mutilated Bodies Under His Porch

TALLAHASEE, Florida – 

A Florida man has been arrested after police discovered 29 mutilated and sexually-assaulted bodies under his porch. Police were lead to the home of Raymond Garfield, 30, after an anonymous tip.

According to reports, Garfield may have been murdering young women for over 10 years. He had been raping them, and killing them in numerous way – but all of the women were picked up in a local swingers bar.

“Mr. Garfield was seen frequenting a local nightclub, Le Swing, many times over the last several years, and would always leave with a young lady,” said Police Captain Lou Albano. “The women, several of whom were regulars, were never seen again. An investigation into Mr. Garfield was conducted after an anonymous bar patron called us, concerned about the constant stream of missing women he had seen leave with Garfield over several months.”

Garfield, a former construction worker, was arrested without incident. He is currently being held with no bail, with a court date set for March 3rd. If convicted, he will likely face the death penalty.

Man Dies After Being Bitten by Daddy Long Legs

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

As most people know, the Daddy Long Legs spider is the most venomous spider on the planet, but their fans are generally not sharp or strong enough to break the skin of most animals, including people. Apparently, no one told Christopher Moore, 32, who was killed after being bitten by the spider on Wednesday.

Moore, who was renovating a new home, was bitten early Wednesday morning, and ended up being rushed to the hospital. Because doctors had never seen the symptoms of a DLL bite before, they had no idea what was causing Moore’s illness. He was pronounced dead only 20 minutes after sustaining the bite.

During testing, doctors were able to discover the cause; it has since been classified as the first fatality from Daddy Long Legs.

“Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Charles Milstead, who treated Moore. “He had very soft skin, I guess. Damn spider bit right through him, and he died in minutes. I’m still flabbergasted.”

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton Killed During FBI Raid of Her New York Home

CHAPPAQUA, New York – 

According to reports circulating this evening, Hillary Clinton has been killed after an FBI raid on her home went south, and agents were forced to open fire.

“When we entered the home, we anticipated that there would be no issues, no problems,” said FBI raid coordinator Chris Thompson. “What we found was Hillary screaming at us to ‘get the fuck out’ of her house. When we insisted we had a warrant, she brandished a shotgun at us, and my men were forced to put her down.”

More details on the events will be released as they are announced.

President Trump has released an official statement (via Twitter):

Mother Arrested After Accidentally Tickling Her 3-Year-Old To Death

ATLANTA, GA – 

It’s a warning being sent out to parents across the country after a 3 year old Florida girl loses her life. Intense tickling of children under the age of 7 may cause asphyxiation which commonly leads to death. Trina Williams, 28, allegedly learned this the hard way and is now facing involuntary manslaughter charges for the death of her toddler.

Via Now8News:


Williams said it was an innocent case of “the tickle game” that she played with her daughter ever since she was two months old. “Me and Tati love to play this game, we do it every night…. well, we did,” Williams told police, very straight faced, calm and collective. “I don’t know, then she just stopped moving, she was laughing hard and then went silent. I don’t know what went wrong. But I still have 6 other kids so we cool. I’ll miss her, but I guess it was just her fate.”

However, police are quite buying Williams story about what happened during her “innocent” tickle game. “Just by her statement she gave about what happened, I don’t believe her,” said chief of police Gerald Watson. “The toddler had bruises all over her body, and were still waiting for the autopsy report. This mom claims they were tickling bruises…yeah right. Either way, she killed her daughter and she has this ‘I don’t care because I have more kids’ attitude and it’s really disgusting.

Teen Dies After Letting Rabid Bat Bite Him, Thought He’d Turn Into a Vampire

bat

SAN DIEGO, California –

A teen has died from a rabies infection after police say he was trying to domesticate a wild bat. Reports indicate that the teen, Stanford Guterson, purposely allowed the rodent to bite him, with the intention of turning into a vampire.

From World News Daily Report:

The young teenager who was fascinated with the idea of becoming a vampire possibly got bitten or scratched by the animal in a “satanic ritual” according to family members and friends.

Guterson was allegedly the victim of bullying at school and believed he could reenact revenge upon his enemies through the process of acquiring supernatural powers by “turning into a vampire” said one of his close friends.

“He was really into the dark occult shit and hoped that if he got bit by or had sex with a bat it might help him become a vampire,” his best friend Malcolm Jackson told reporters.

According to Jackson, [Guterson] also frequently drank blood from his 56-year-old unemployed girlfriend who did not respond to media requests for an interview and was not available for comments.

Police say that, despite initial rumors, there is no new internet “bat bite challenge,” and they believe that this is an isolated incident from an isolated loser.

Man Dies After Holding in Farts While Visiting With Girlfriend’s Parents

farts

MIAMI, Florida – 

Juan Carlos Rodriguez, 27, went to dinner at his girlfriend Maria’s home on Tuesday. Unfortunately, the food was not was he was used to eating, and shortly after his meal, he began feeling the need to start passing gas. Because he didn’t want to have an embarrassing moment in his girlfriend’s house, he began holding them in, which lead to his untimely death.

At about eight o’clock in the evening, Rodriguez fell to the ground, holding his stomach. His girlfriend called an ambulance but he was pronounced dead at the scene. The coroner’s report showed “acute toxic poisoning,” which Rodriguez developed from holding in his farts for an excessively long time.

According to Dr. Julio Igleasias, holding in flatulence can cause the “essence” of the fart to seep into your blood stream, and cause a massive heart attack.

“Juan Carlos never knew what hit him, unfortunately,” said Dr. Igleasias. “If he had opted for the salad instead of the spicy beans, he may still be alive today.”

Pastry Chef Accidentally Bakes Bachelor Cake With Stripper Inside

bakery

TAMPA, Florida – 

A pastry chef in Tampa has been arrested on manslaughter charges after he accidentally baked a nude woman into a cake, say Tampa Police.

According to police reports, chef Mario Blister was hired to create an extremely large cake that a nude woman could “pop out” of during a bachelor party for a group of about 30 men.

“Unfortunately, the baker had the hired stripper come to his shop, and ended up cooking her inside the cake,” said police chief Chris Tanner. “It is a tragic accident, but we have taken Mr. Blister in on involuntary manslaughter charges.”

“I don’t know how it happened, honestly,” said Blister. “Diamond came to the shop, and I had her get inside the outer framing of the cake, to make sure it was the right size. I use a massive, oversized walk-in oven. It’s like a firing kiln, custom built, as I do a lot of stripper cakes, and it’s easier to make it all at once. She fit perfectly. I left to get some icing, and when I came back, she was gone. I assumed she had left. Turns out…I was wrong.”

Blister says that the cake mold has a clasping mechanism that had somehow gotten latched shut, and Diamond, whose real name is Bambi Limber, was still inside.

“Mr. Blister ended up cooking Ms. Limber at 350 for over 25 minutes, before he smelled that something was wrong,” said Chief Tanner. “When we showed up on the scene, it was a disaster. I’d never seen anything like it in all my years on the force. On the other hand, there was a lot of cake to take home, and it was delicious.”

Police On The Hunt For ‘Scary Clown’ That Was Filmed Killing Young Girl

clown

NEW ENGLAND – 

Police are hunting for a person who murdered a young girl while dressed as a “scary carnival clown,” and left her body in the woods.

State Police in Maine say that they believe that the “clown” lured the girl to the woods, and set up a camera to film the pre-planned murder. A recording was then anonymously delivered to a police station in Maine, which lead officials to the crime scene.

“This clown is still on the loose, and we do not know where they might be,” said State Police Chief Mario Richards. “We have expanded our search from Northern Maine all the way to Massachusetts. Unfortunately, we do not know who we may be looking for, as the person’s features are completely obscured by clown make-up.”

Police believe that the clown may have murdered at least 4 other people in the same area, as other crimes under investigation have similar patterns, including greasepaint being found on the victims. The latest victim was a young girl, aged 16-19. They have not yet identified the girl, and are currently seeking help from the public.

“This clown is extremely dangerous, as all clowns normally are,” said Chief Richards. “If you see this, or any other clown, please remove yourself from the area and call 911 immediately. This clown has been known to use a knife in its attacks, as well as a sickle. We are unsure if the clown is male or female.”

Family Sues Life Savers Company For False Advertising After Man Contracts Diabetes, Dies

lifesavers

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A family in Massachusetts is suing Mars Inc over the false advertising of their Life Savers brand of candy after a man who was obsessed with their Wint-O-Green hard candies contracted diabetes and later died.

“You cannot call your product a ‘life saver’ if it can kill you,” said Martha Roberts, 53, whose husband, Carl, died after becoming obsessed the candies. “Carl would be turning 58 tomorrow, except these candies killed him, and it’s not right.”

According to the lawsuit, Roberts contends that her husband thought that Life Savers were a “healthy food,” because they were called Life Savers. He would usually eat 4 or 5 large bags of the individually wrapped candies a day for months at a time.

“He was obsessed with them, and we thought he was doing okay. They’re really low calorie, and he did lose some weight because he was only eating Life Savers,” said Roberts. “Then he passed out one day, and we rushed him to the ER. The doctors said his blood sugar was over 1,000, and he was in a diabetic coma. He died later that night. I’m still devastated, the whole family is.”

Mars Inc had no comment on the lawsuit. A lawyer for the company said they would be “looking into” the claims.

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