Multiple People Hospitalized, Several Arrested During ‘Rush Limbaugh Has Cancer’ Celebration in Boston


Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday.

Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung cancer, and liberals across the country let out a massive cheer. In Boston, a public celebration took place during the afternoon on Friday, with an estimated 35,000 people in attendance outside of Fenway Park.

“When I heard that Rush was going to die, I couldn’t wait to celebrate,” said Rick Baker, 39, of Boston. “If there were ever a more worthless, piece of shit, talking head on radio and TV, I don’t know who it is. I heard about the party on the radio Friday morning, called out of work, and headed down to the park  to party.”

Boston Police Department say that the gathering was not authorized, but they caught wind of the party on social media, and were able to send a “significant number of police officers” to the area to keep things under control.

“We were able to keep things really under control under the conservative protestors showed up,” said Boston Police Chief Frank R. Green. “The people who were there to enjoy the celebration were great. Unfortunately, some Rush supporters spoiled the fun. In the end, we arrested multiple people and our police forces had to, sadly, beat down many protestors who did not listen to directions to vacate the area.”

Green said that none of the “Rushers” had life-threatening injuries, and that most would be out of the  hospital within a few days.

“Next time, perhaps these people will listen,” said Green. “If a group of people want to celebrate the inevitable death of a world class piece of shit, we will support that. If you want to get in the way of that, we will ensure that you’re dealt with accordingly.”

Rush Limbaugh, who for some stupid reason received the Presidential Medal of Freedom last week, ensuring that it is now 100% meaningless, could not be reached for comment.

Man Sues Government For Right To Marry Dolphin

Man Sues Government For Right To Marry Dolphin

MIAMI, Florida – 

Malcolm Brenner, the controversial subject of a documentary detailing his year-long love affair with a dolphin in the 70s, inspired a SeaWorld trainer to sue the government for the right to marry his new mistress, Sally. Carl Sanders, a SeaWorld trainer for over 20 years, says that Sally is a perfect specimen of Dolphin, the majestic sea creature considered to be the third most intelligent species in the world.

“Sally is obviously not her real name,” said Sanders in a press conference earlier this morning. “She is known in the dolphin world as Eeeeeee eee eeee ee. Sally is what her human captors called her, as if she wasn’t important enough to dignify learning the correct pronunciation and intonation.”

Reporters asked him why he had a preference for dolphins, what was so special about Sally, and if he thought he could win this thing.

“Firstly, dolphins have a really tight and wet orifice,” he responded. “That’s usually perk number one to any good relationship. Secondly, they’re smart and witty, are always smiling, and can sing me to sleep. Secondly, Eeeeeeeeee eee eeee ee just has a personality that fits with mine, and she’s the most attractive specimen I’ve met. I know that all dolphins look the same to you bigots, but I for one can tell the difference.”

Naturally, reporters began circling the question that was on everyone’s mind – whether or not Sanders thought he could win in court, and marry “Sally.”

“Do I think I can win? Stranger things have happened. Why should two lovers not be allowed to wed? Marriage inequality is a throwback to the undemocratic days of America – which already ended over a decade ago.”

Professional homophobe, Rush Limbaugh, gave a long diatribe against Sanders on his radio side-project.

“I knew this would happen!” he shouted. “When they gave the homosexuals the right to marry, I knew it was only a matter of time till they allowed bestiality. Those liberals think they can have sex with anything that has a hole. Soon they’ll be raping water-pipes!”

Probable Democrat Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, was overheard saying to Vice-President Joe Biden, “I sort of want it to happen, just so we get to see what their kids look like.”

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