MIAMI, Florida –
Malcolm Brenner, the controversial subject of a documentary detailing his year-long love affair with a dolphin in the 70s, inspired a SeaWorld trainer to sue the government for the right to marry his new mistress, Sally. Carl Sanders, a SeaWorld trainer for over 20 years, says that Sally is a perfect specimen of Dolphin, the majestic sea creature considered to be the third most intelligent species in the world.
“Sally is obviously not her real name,” said Sanders in a press conference earlier this morning. “She is known in the dolphin world as Eeeeeee eee eeee ee. Sally is what her human captors called her, as if she wasn’t important enough to dignify learning the correct pronunciation and intonation.”
Reporters asked him why he had a preference for dolphins, what was so special about Sally, and if he thought he could win this thing.
“Firstly, dolphins have a really tight and wet orifice,” he responded. “That’s usually perk number one to any good relationship. Secondly, they’re smart and witty, are always smiling, and can sing me to sleep. Secondly, Eeeeeeeeee eee eeee ee just has a personality that fits with mine, and she’s the most attractive specimen I’ve met. I know that all dolphins look the same to you bigots, but I for one can tell the difference.”
Naturally, reporters began circling the question that was on everyone’s mind – whether or not Sanders thought he could win in court, and marry “Sally.”
“Do I think I can win? Stranger things have happened. Why should two lovers not be allowed to wed? Marriage inequality is a throwback to the undemocratic days of America – which already ended over a decade ago.”
Professional homophobe, Rush Limbaugh, gave a long diatribe against Sanders on his radio side-project.
“I knew this would happen!” he shouted. “When they gave the homosexuals the right to marry, I knew it was only a matter of time till they allowed bestiality. Those liberals think they can have sex with anything that has a hole. Soon they’ll be raping water-pipes!”
Probable Democrat Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, was overheard saying to Vice-President Joe Biden, “I sort of want it to happen, just so we get to see what their kids look like.”