CHAPPAQUA, New York –
According to reports circulating this evening, Hillary Clinton has been killed after an FBI raid on her home went south, and agents were forced to open fire.
“When we entered the home, we anticipated that there would be no issues, no problems,” said FBI raid coordinator Chris Thompson. “What we found was Hillary screaming at us to ‘get the fuck out’ of her house. When we insisted we had a warrant, she brandished a shotgun at us, and my men were forced to put her down.”
More details on the events will be released as they are announced.
President Trump has released an official statement (via Twitter):
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
The former first lady and almost president, Hillary Clinton, may have disappeared from the spotlight in the weeks after the election, but apparently, the reason isn’t anything that people speculated.
According to GSN – the Gameshow Network – Clinton has been busy filming episodes of POPlitics, a new show they’ve developed featuring a mashup of questions about politics and pop-culture.
“Mrs. Clinton was our dream-get for the host of POPlitics, and we honestly never thought she’d sign on,” said game creator Mark Levine. “She was very close to winning the election and becoming the leader of the free world for a bit there, and we were in the middle of working out the game details and kinks at that point. Our backup would have been to get Paul Ryan, or maybe Weiner – someone else whose name people recognize. But, thankfully, she lost the election, and we were able to sign her on!”
Levine says that game show shoots are grueling, and that’s why Clinton hasn’t been seen for a bit.
“Game shows regularly shoot a whole week’s worth of episodes in one day, with breaks for wardrobe changes, and stuff like that,” said Levine. “Hill has been great. She has a lot of pantsuits, so it’s quick for her to just throw on a new color, and get back out there. The game really came together when she took on hosting duties. It’s going to be great!”
POPlitics will begin airing in April on GSN.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
A former Clinton campaign staffer has come forward, claiming that Hillary Clinton literally tried to make a deal with the devil during the campaign, but it failed miserably.
“She had me on the phone for hours so that I could get in touch with Mr. Satan,” said the staffer. “I was able to reach him, finally, after many calls and call-backs. You’d be amazed how hard it is to get in touch with the Devil. Anyway, we arranged a meeting between The Dark One and Hillary.”
The anonymous staffer claims, though, that once the meeting was set and Satan showed up with the contract, the terms could not be met.
“Naturally, Satan wanted Hillary’s soul in exchange for the presidency, but as it turns out, Clinton doesn’t have a soul to begin with,” said the staffer. “Needless to say, Beelzebub was not very happy about making such a long trip for nothing, and vowed that she would never win. Turns out he was right.”
Satan could not be reached for comment about the deal.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump has said that, in order to give Hillary a “fair chance” at winning after his “super-yuge” lead in the polls, he would allow Hillary to play him in a game of HORSE to decide the winner of the election.
“I’m quite sure that I will win the election based on votes, and I don’t think it’s even fair to Hillary at this point,” said Trump. “I’m all about fair play. I love women. I respect women, and I respect Hillary. No one has more respect for Hillary than me. And with that respect comes the great admiration that always comes with respect. It with that admiration comes challenge, and with challenge comes sports, and basically, I think we should play a game of HORSE to decide the election, voting be damned.”
Hillary Clinton has not responded directly to the Trump challenge, but staffers on her campaign have said that she has been practicing her layups and 3-point shots in anticipation of a “hell of a game.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Tim Kaine, the current Junior U.S. Senator for Virginia and Hillary Clinton’s running mate for Vice-President, says that he is still a ‘little undecided’ about who he should vote for on November 8th.
“It all comes down to who can do the best job for this country, and I’m still weighing that decision before I head to the polls,” said Kaine. “There are issues that are still up in the air, and even after watching all the debates, the decision is never an easy one.”
Kaine went on to say that Trump and Hillary are both “pretty cool people,” and that he is hoping to see a Democratic victory for the presidency, he can’t promise that he’ll vote straight-ticket during the election.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Public records indicate that former president Bill Clinton has filed for divorce from his wife, current presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton, citing “irreconcilable differences.”
A lawyer for Ex-President Clinton said that he had “no comment” at this time, but said that Clinton himself had issued a partial statement on the matter:
For those who are wondering, yes, I have decided to leave Hillary after decades of marriage. The reasons are personal and, well – actually, a lot of the reasons are very, very public, too – but most of them are personal. I like having sex with multiple women, and Hillary likes to control everything, including me. It’s become too hard to live with such a maniacal, egotistical woman, and when she becomes president, it will ruin this marriage even further. We cannot see eye-to-eye, and so it is time for me to end this. I do not want to have sexual relations with that woman.
According to a lawyer, who does not represent either party, a divorce with this much equity, real estate, and other massive-ticket items, could take some time to sort out. It’s entirely likely that the pair will still be legally married until well after Hillary is sworn into office.
Donald Trump has announced that he has officially dropped from the presidential race, conceding to Hillary Clinton only a few short weeks before the November 8th election date.
According to campaign staffers, the latest poll numbers after all 3 debates were completed showed Trump a staggering 70 points behind. Some polls even showed him closer to 80.
“It is with a yuge regret that I have to announce that I am backing out of the campaign,” said Donald Trump. “I know that I have many, many supporters, and I appreciate all that everyone has done. I’ve had a hell of a run, but there is no coming back from this. Blunders or not, the polls do not, and have never, lied. It’s time to end it all.”
Trump says that he was always unsure of being president, even as he was running, because it would leave a “major hole” in his $4B a year business, that he currently personally manages.
“I could never leave my business fully, because someone else would have to run it, and no one else could do what I do,” said Trump. “It was always in the back of my mind that I may have to give this up. Now that the numbers are appearing, it’s time to stop the bleeding and get back to what I’m good at, which is making money.”
Hillary Clinton will finish the race unopposed, but that does leave the door wide open for voters to write-in a third party candidate. With Trump out of the race, it’s fairly well Clinton’s to win.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
According to a source inside the Clinton campaign, not only was Hillary being prompted on the best answers to give, live during the debate via secret ear piece, but that an anonymous staffer at CNN had actually leaked the questions to her in advance.
“It was supposed to be a secret, and no one except Holt was supposed to know the questions in advance,” said the anonymous source. “That’s not even close to true. The case is, Holt had worked with other members of the CNN news team to create the questions. They were actually leaked to us at the Clinton campaign, and not only did we use the information, we actually changed some of the questions.”
The member of Clinton’s campaign said that although the debate was supposed to be on a “level playing field,” they couldn’t take any chances.
“It’s true that we’d been practicing the debates, at night, to make sure that Hillary’s health could sustain the rigorous time constraints, but we had to make sure that we had a leg-up. Why do you think all of her answers were so perfect, so concise – as if she knew what was coming. She’s failing, and it’s happening fast. Her constituents are going in record numbers. We needed to make sure Trump looked like the fool we all know he is.”
No one from Hillary Clinton’s campaign would give an official, on-the-record statement.
NEW YORK –
It has now been confirmed by an anonymous staffer on the Clinton campaign, that Hillary broke debate rules by wearing a secret ear-piece so that she could be fed information on the fly.
“Because of her failing health, we were extremely worried about the answers she might give, or that she would get confused about the questions,” said the staffer. “Yes, the internet is right – she is, of course, wearing a mic pack under her jacket, as was Trump. But tied into that, we also were able to wire in a thin, flesh-colored ear piece so that we could feed her the answers.”
According to the staffer, whose story has been confirmed by at least 3 other members of the Clinton campaign, Hillary hired a team of more than 20 people to sit at a remote location just about a mile away from the debates, where they were watching both via cable and live feed, and could prompt her with responses as needed, as well as pull up information “in which to bash the hell out of Trump.”
So far, the Hillary camp has not commented on the ear-piece, or given any response to the internet firestorm.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
For the first time in almost all of recorded history, there was absolutely no crime reported anywhere in the United States throughout the hour and a half of the first Presidential debate.
According to statistics from the Bureau of Violent Crime and Police Activity, there were no crimes called into any police department anywhere in the country during the time of the first debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, which is an astounding statistic that experts say may never happen again.
“Over 475 million people were at home, watching the debates live on TV or on social media,” said Bureau head Fred Kahn. “During the entire hour and a half – in which there were no commercials or breaks – we found that there were no crimes committed. I’ve been running this bureau for the better part of 20 years, and I’ve never seen it. At no point in our records has something like this ever happened. It’s an anomaly.”
Kahn says that he thinks that people were just too engrossed in the debate to bother committing and crimes.
“It doesn’t matter who it is – black, white, yellow, purple. People of all races, of all types, of all kinds…they came together during this time, and they decided to stop killing and raping and stealing from each other, and they just watched that dumpster fire of a debate. Together. It’s simultaneously the most and least American thing I’ve ever seen.”