No Crimes Reported Anywhere In U.S. During Presidential Debate


For the first time in almost all of recorded history, there was absolutely no crime reported anywhere in the United States throughout the hour and a half of the first Presidential debate.

According to statistics from the Bureau of Violent Crime and Police Activity, there were no crimes called into any police department anywhere in the country during the time of the first debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, which is an astounding statistic that experts say may never happen again.

“Over 475 million people were at home, watching the debates live on TV or on social media,” said Bureau head Fred Kahn. “During the entire hour and a half – in which there were no commercials or breaks – we found that there were no crimes committed. I’ve been running this bureau for the better part of 20 years, and I’ve never seen it. At no point in our records has something like this ever happened. It’s an anomaly.”

Kahn says that he thinks that people were just too engrossed in the debate to bother committing and crimes.

“It doesn’t matter who it is – black, white, yellow, purple. People of all races, of all types, of all kinds…they came together during this time, and they decided to stop killing and raping and stealing from each other, and they just watched that dumpster fire of a debate. Together. It’s simultaneously the most and least American thing I’ve ever seen.”

Cards Against Humanity Makers Charged with Crimes Against Humanity


SPRINGFIELD, Massachusetts – 

Abiding Truth Ministries has charged creators of the popular card game, Cards Against Humanity, with crimes against humanity, including encouraging Blasphemy and Sin. After years of failed rallying against homosexuality, the group has decided to “try an easier foe.”

Founder Scott Lively is best known as author of The Pink Swastika, which exposes homosexuality in the Nazi party. Lively has no doubt that they will be able to shut down production of the extremely popular card game, once people are made aware of what their children are playing.

“Sin is no laughing matter, and they make a game out of it. This is worse than what the Nazi party did. They were homosexual, but made it right by killing Jesus-hating Jews. I can not find anything redeeming about this game,” said Lively.

“I’m really surprised that they don’t like our game, since it’s full of great combos of cards that could totally be construed as racist if you wanted them to be,” said Cards Against Humanity spokesman Joseph Reilly. “I’m pretty sure that we have plenty of reference to Jews, Jesus, Nazis, Hitler – I mean all matter of horrible things in there. We’re not worried about this lawsuit at all. Just like our cards, this is just a game to us.”

Los Angeles County Plans To Decriminalize Rape, Assault; Hopes Move Will ‘Break Associated Stigmas’

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In a first for the nation, the city of Los Angeles is seeking to remove the stigma surrounding rape by decriminalizing it. Lawmakers say they hope the move will not increase the rate of rape, but allow people to speak more freely about it.

“Because it has been a crime, people would not talk about rape,” said LA county commissioner Jerry Peck. “Women who were raped wouldn’t bring it up. Men who were rapists didn’t mention it to friends or colleagues. No one was talking about it. Rape was a dirty little secret. This new decriminalization will hopefully end the secrets.”

Los Angeles is the first city and county in the country to make move towards decriminalizing rape, but they aren’t stopping with only sexual assault.

“Assault in general is a crime to hide. Men would hit women, and then just claim they walked into doors,” said Peck. “It was sickening the things that go on behind closed doors. We are hoping that making sure it’s no longer a crime will allow people to open up about beatings and assaults.”

County legislature will vote on the issue on Monday. They are expected to pass the measure into law effective January 1st.

Obama Admits To Being Born In Kenya, Says ‘What Are You Going To Do About It Now?’


In a shocking announcement, President Obama has admitted that he is not a natural-born citizen, and that he was, like the ‘birthers’ assumed, born in Kenya.

“I was, in fact, born outside of this great country,” said President Obama in a press conference from the White House. “But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t the best damn president that the United States has had in decades. I think I have proven that you do not need to be American to love and appreciate America, and you definitely should not be American if you want to run America.”

Obama went on to say that he had given himself a full pardon, and that he could not be held in any legal troubles for serving as president the last 7 years.

“I have pardoned myself from the crimes of forgery and fraud, and I ask everyone, all my detractors – ‘what are you going to do about it now?’ The answer, of course, is nothing,” said Obama. “I may be on my way out of this office, out of the presidency, but I still have the power to make decisions, and those decisions will have lasting effect on everyone.”

Obama’s second a final term ends in 2016.

Eight-Year-Old Sentenced to Prison for Petty Theft

Eight-year-old Sentenced to Prison for Petty Theft


How much is a Twix bar and a can of Dr. Pepper worth, exactly? Most rational-minded people would say maybe three bucks, but Judge Rudy Simms of the Springfield Juvenile Court values the items at a month in a state prison.

Young Marcus Hall, only eight-years-old, was caught by a convenience store owner trying to steal the aforementioned items, and was detained by the owner until authorities arrived. The boy’s mother, Kasey Buckner, was contacted and arrived shortly afterwards. She was highly enraged by her son’s treatment by the authorities and the store owner. “It’s just a damn candy bar, you idiots. He’s a kid, you should let him off easy,” Buckner said.

Buckner paid for her son’s stolen items, but was unsuccessful in pleasing the store owner, Fred Nadler. “If we let the boy off with a simple warning because his mother is screaming at us, he will grow older believing his mommy can get him out of anything. The fear of God and a fear of breaking the law needs to be instilled into this boy before it is simply too late.”

The boy’s trial was a fast one – only taking around 15 minutes. Hall testified to attempting to steal the items, although he claimed he was pressured by a friend to do so. When asked who the friend was, the boy said he didn’t want to share his friend’s identity. The jury decision took only a few minutes and came around with a guilty verdict. Judge Simms sentenced the boy to one month at the Springfield state prison.

This case has sparked controversy nationwide, with many parents feeling their children could suffer the same “unfair” judgment with such a harsh precedent set. Alicia West, a single mother of two from Colorado Springs, stated in a social media post, “Children should be loved, not punished, for committing crimes. Juvenile hall would have scarred this boy for life, but now actual, full-blown prison? He’s likely to be raped by some pedo in there, and with nobody to blame but the American court system.”

Nadler approved of the boy’s sentencing and said, “Even though the young man is serving his time for the crime committed, I will be cautious about ever letting him back into my store.”

Rhode Island State Legislature To Reinstate Death Penalty, Will Allow For Drug Crimes

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Rhode Island State Legislature To Reinstate Death Penalty, Will Allow For Drug Crimes

Tuesday, President Barack Obama signed off on a new piece of Rhode Island legislation that would revive the state’s death penalty, allowing lethal injection not only for malicious physical crimes, but also for drug-related crimes.

After decades of not having a death penalty option in the state of Rhode Island after it’s abolishment in 1984, the option will once again be given to judge and juries throughout the state on high-level crimes.

According to lawmakers, it was the people of Providence, Rhode Island who started the petition to bring back the death penalty throughout the state.

“With the crime rate as it stands in Providence, people want to make the streets safer, and that’s what we’re trying to accomplish,” said Jorge Elorza, Providence’s Mayor, during a press conference. “At one point, Rhode Island was a small state, with maybe one execution every few years, based on violent crimes like rape and murder. Now, with this new legislation, those crimes can also be expanded to include the dealing or use of marijuana, driving under the influence, and higher levels of assault charges. We want to keep Rhode Island safe, for all people and future generations.”

“By approving this option for the State of Rhode Island, I am not endorsing the death penalty,” said President Obama. “Please understand, it is the voters choice, and I am only the last line on a very long process of paperwork. The state and cities have spoken, and I am proud to be able to give them the ability to make themselves feel safer.”

Rhode Island lawmakers say that the process to have any changes made to current punishments is a slow-moving one, but that they anticipate the death penalty to be on the table for several crimes by the end of the year.

Elementary School Principal Fired, Arrested For Planning Real-Life ‘Purge’

 WINTERFLOCK, Pennsylvania – Elementary School Principal Fire For Planning Real-Life 'Purge'

Principal Douglas Warner has officially been let go from his position at the Boutland Elementary School located in the small town of Winterflock, Pennsylvania. Warner was removed from his position after it was discovered he had been planning a school ‘purge’ modeled after the blockbuster hit movie The Purge, in which one day a year American citizens are able to kill each other without worrying about legal recourse.

It has been reported that Principal Warner has been planning the purge for months, and intended to follow through with the act at the beginning of the new year. Warner said he wanted to wait until 2015 so the parents of any affected children would be able to spend one last Christmas with their kids.

Police questioned Warner about his reasoning behind the school purge, and Warner said it was all about ‘weeding out’ the troublemakers.

“It’s obvious I was just fantasizing at an attempt to help society by weeding out some of the crazy, violent, troubled kids, and of course, the school bullies,” said Warner. “I mean come on, I wasn’t really going to do it, as far as you know…but you have to understand that there are always those certain kids who are just tiny little assholes. If we just get rid of those kids now, then we won’t have to deal with them when they are in tenth grade, bringing their dads handguns to school underneath their trench coats.”

Warner’s purge was uncovered when a fourth grade teacher found a notebook detailing explicit plans of the even, and turned it over to local police. Police reports show that within the notebook Warner had listed his intention of arming all students with make shift weapons the day of the purge.

Though Warner has been let go from his job at Boutland Elementary and was initially arrested, he was eventually released when police said they didn’t have enough evidence of crime to convict. It remains unclear if further legal action will be taken against Warner. In addition, legal sources have said that Warner would be able to get a principal job at a school within a different district without issue, assuming no charges are filed.


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