President Trump Says He Will ‘Completely Pardon’ Bill Cosby After His Sentencing

Posted on April 30, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For those hoping to see Bill Cosby serve an extended prison sentence where he would likely end up dying, you may have to keep waiting.

This afternoon, when Trump was asked about his thoughts on Bill Cosby’s verdict, the President stated that he would be “completely pardoning” the fallen comedian.

“Regardless of what that jury thinks, or what anyone thinks, Bill Cosby has always been America’s dad – and America’s dad would never sexually assault and drug all those women,” said President Trump. “As soon as he is officially sentenced, I will be offering Mr. Cosby a full pardon, and the apology of the U.S. justice system. The fact that he has been found guilty is sickening.”

Trump, who has been accused by many, many women of also being a sexual predator, states that pardoning Cosby has “nothing to do” with his own conscience, and everything to do with “writing a serious wrong.”

“I love Bill Cosby, I loved The Cosby Show, and I love Jello Pudding,” said President Trump. “If you cannot get behind those things as well, then I don’t know how you can even call yourself an American.”

President Trump Pardons Himself For Years of Sexual Assaults and Abuse

Posted on October 24, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump pardoned himself this morning for what he says are years of “alleged” sexual assault accusations, as well as rumblings of abuse. Despite the President not being formally charged with any crimes, many women have accused him of sexual misconduct over the years, all of which he has denied.

“In the wake of my good friend, Mister Harvey Weinstein, being viciously attacked by the media over abuse charges, I felt it was time to act in advance of any legal or civil charges being lobbied my way,” said President Trump. “Although I adamantly deny that I have ever been sexually inappropriate with any woman, especially the ugly ones who always accuse me of doing so, I have fully pardoned myself of any and all crimes and charges.”

While it was pointed out to the president that he could neither pardon himself, nor could he pre-pardon someone for crimes they have not been charged with, Trump remained steadfast in his decision that he had been fully pardoned.

President Trump Has Invited O.J. Simpson To Visit The White House Upon His Release – You Won’t Believe Why!

Posted on July 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has said that he plans to have convicted felon O.J. Simpson to the White House upon his release from prison, which should be sometime in October. Simpson, who has been in prison for nearly 9 years, is reportedly a “good friend” of the President, and Trump has said he has a “special job” for the former NFL superstar and comic actor.

“The Juice and I, we go way, way back, and now that he’s getting out, I want to make sure he knows that he will always have a friend here, so I am going to give him a full pardon, and offer him a job on my staff,” said Trump.

The President said he plans to completely wipe away Simpson’s prison record, which means he would not have any sort of parole specifications he has to meet, and would be as free as anyone else.

“I hope to offer O.J. a job as my personal assistant within the White House,” said Trump. “I strongly believe that it is something he would be great at. I have a lot of special assignments for him.”

President Trump ‘Pre-Pardons’ Himself For All Crimes He Plans To Commit While in Office

Posted on July 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a major move by a sitting president, Donald Trump has “pre-pardoned” himself before he commits any crimes while in office.

“There is a good chance, if I continue on the track I’m going, that there are going to be a lot of different crimes happening, and a few of them will be pretty serious,” said Trump in a statement to the press. “So I’ve taken measures to protect myself and my cabinet from prosecution should the crimes happen.”

A sitting president has, for the most part, the legal ability to pardon nearly any criminal they wish, but it is used very sparingly. This is the first time a president has ever pardoned themselves. The ACLU has a team of lawyers confirming the legality of Trump’s pardon.

“We really don’t think this is legal at all,” said ACLU president Carl Grover. “We are looking into it. It’s such a stupid thing, no one has ever done it before, we’re not even sure how well it can hold up. But knowing Trump, he’s probably changed or removed enough other laws to somehow make this legal. He’s clearly the king of the loophole.”

President Obama Says He Will Release All Drug Offenders From U.S. Prisons

Posted on March 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Barack Obama says commuting the prison sentences of 61 drug offenders was “just the beginning” in the massive overhaul he is making in the US criminal justice system.

“After successfully fixing the US healthcare system, I thought ‘what else can I do to make the most impact in my term?’” Obama, in a letter to the inmates receiving commutations, said the presidential power to grand commutations and pardons “embodies the basic belief in our democracy that people deserve a second chance after having made a mistake in their lives that led to a conviction under our laws.”

Obama will be releasing non-violent drug offenders only, and there will be oversight so that only those deserving of a second chance, who pinky promise that they won’t do it again, will be released. Obama denies that being a proud, half-black man has anything to do with his interest in fixing the criminal justice system.

“Just because I’m half-African American, and most of the criminals in prison on drug charges are also black, doesn’t mean that I’m being lenient,” said Obama. “I mean, let’s be clear, most of the men in prison are black no matter what their crime is, but I’m not letting out the rapists and the murderers.”

President Obama Arrested For Drunk Driving Returning From New Year’s Eve Party

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to police reports, President Barack Obama was arrested for drunk driving on his way back to the White House from a New Year’s Eve party in Baltimore.

The president, who normally is driven by secret service members, apparently become severely intoxicated at the home of a family friend, and snuck away from his bodyguards by climbing out of a bathroom window.

“The President jumped from a second story window after throwing up in the [unnamed friend’s] bathtub, and stole a car from their garage,” said police chief John Wiggin. “When he was pulled over, he had a blood-alcohol level of 2.0, and was driving 95mph down the wrong side of the road. He’s insanely lucky no one was hurt.”

The incident took place at approximately 7pm, and the President was reportedly sleeping it off in a Washington, D.C. jail cell. Police say it is highly likely the Obama will pardon himself of his crimes, as he has done several times during his presidency.

President Obama Arrested For Possession of Marijuana While Driving In Maryland

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

President Obama has reportedly been arrested for joyriding and possession of marijuana while traveling through Maryland on his way back to the White House, according to police reports.

The Baltimore Police Department say they pulled over a black 2015 Ford Ranger that was swerving erratically early Friday morning. Officers were surprised to find President Obama behind the wheel, obviously under the influence of marijuana.

“Our officers pulled over a new, luxury SUV at approximately 3AM Friday morning,” said Baltimore police captain Gary Holmes. “Officer Dan Lewis approached the vehicle, and found President Barack Obama in the driver’s seat. He was alone in the vehicle, and Officer Lewis claims there was an extremely strong odor of marijuana emanating from the cabin of the vehicle.”

According to Officer Lewis’ report, the President did not resit arrest, or put up any sort of argument with officials.

“He was very respectful, and came willingly,” said Officer Lewis. “He was arrested at the scene, and was booked on driving under the influence. A car containing 3 secret service agents arrived minutes after President Obama was stopped, and they, too, were cooperative with the arrest.”

Obama was held overnight and released on bail. According to the White House press secretary, President Obama will pardon himself for the misdemeanor, and will not face any jail time.

Obama Pardons Catholic Priests Convicted Of Child Abuse

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

There’s still a year left in Obama’s presidency, and it seems he’s shaking things up before he goes. In a startling and disturbing decision, President Obama has announced that he will officially pardon the Catholic priests that have been accused of child molestation while in their positions in the Church.

“Although many of the accused have been excommunicated and removed from their positions, they still live with the guilt of their alleged crimes,” said President Obama. “Of the men jailed for the crimes, I am offering a full pardon, and immediate release. These men have suffered enough at the hands of God, and do not need to be imprisoned for their acts. Acts which they cannot control.”

Although there have been many abuse cases in the church over the years, only a small number of priests or other church members have ever been arrested and convicted in the courts. Most were not able to be prosecuted for charges brought against them, as too much time had passed since the alleged crimes. Several, though, were able to be sent to prison.

“Currently, there are 28 priests throughout the country who are in jail for crimes against children, and they will be pardoned and released by November 1st,” said Obama. “This is my way of showing forgiveness and love, which the Catholic church is so well known for.”

Obama Admits To Being Born In Kenya, Says ‘What Are You Going To Do About It Now?’

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a shocking announcement, President Obama has admitted that he is not a natural-born citizen, and that he was, like the ‘birthers’ assumed, born in Kenya.

“I was, in fact, born outside of this great country,” said President Obama in a press conference from the White House. “But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t the best damn president that the United States has had in decades. I think I have proven that you do not need to be American to love and appreciate America, and you definitely should not be American if you want to run America.”

Obama went on to say that he had given himself a full pardon, and that he could not be held in any legal troubles for serving as president the last 7 years.

“I have pardoned myself from the crimes of forgery and fraud, and I ask everyone, all my detractors – ‘what are you going to do about it now?’ The answer, of course, is nothing,” said Obama. “I may be on my way out of this office, out of the presidency, but I still have the power to make decisions, and those decisions will have lasting effect on everyone.”

Obama’s second a final term ends in 2016.