Pope Francis Tries To Curb Molestation In The Church, Declares That Priests Can Marry

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VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.

“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”

Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.

Obama Pardons Catholic Priests Convicted Of Child Abuse

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

There’s still a year left in Obama’s presidency, and it seems he’s shaking things up before he goes. In a startling and disturbing decision, President Obama has announced that he will officially pardon the Catholic priests that have been accused of child molestation while in their positions in the Church.

“Although many of the accused have been excommunicated and removed from their positions, they still live with the guilt of their alleged crimes,” said President Obama. “Of the men jailed for the crimes, I am offering a full pardon, and immediate release. These men have suffered enough at the hands of God, and do not need to be imprisoned for their acts. Acts which they cannot control.”

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Although there have been many abuse cases in the church over the years, only a small number of priests or other church members have ever been arrested and convicted in the courts. Most were not able to be prosecuted for charges brought against them, as too much time had passed since the alleged crimes. Several, though, were able to be sent to prison.

“Currently, there are 28 priests throughout the country who are in jail for crimes against children, and they will be pardoned and released by November 1st,” said Obama. “This is my way of showing forgiveness and love, which the Catholic church is so well known for.”

Did Josh Duggar Have A Sexual Relationship With A Male Porn Star?

duggar

WASHINGTON, D.C.  – 

Over the last several months, 19 Kids and Counting star Josh Duggar has become something of a household name, after it was revealed that when he was a teenager, he molested several girls, including his own sisters, causing TLC to completely cancel their show. Just recently it was also discovered that Duggar had been reportedly having affairs for years, holding not one but two separate accounts on the cheating website AshleyMadison, which had its servers hacked and customer base released to the internet some weeks ago.

Last week, a female porn star named Danica Dillon came forward, claiming that Duggar and she had had sex several times, and that Duggar was a violent sexual partner, “tossing her around like a ragdoll.” The internet star said that she hoped her coming forward would bring other people forward who were also having sex with Duggar, and it appears that the truth may be spilling out.

This morning, a male porn star, John Holmes, 38, came forward, claiming that he and Duggar had sex on multiple occasions, and that Duggar “enjoyed it immensely.”

“Seriously, the guy can’t get enough of me. We hooked up probably 3 or 4 times a week when I was shooting my movies in D.C.,” said Holmes. “To be honest, I don’t care that he was molesting his siblings or screwing every woman on the web. Whatever, that’s what I expect from someone born and raised in Arkansas, anyway. But I just can’t sit back and ignore the fact that he hasn’t called me in months, and that’s why I’m coming forward now.”

Duggar has already confessed that he suffers from a massive internet porn addiction, and has supposedly sought treatment for his sexual needs, referring to himself as a “hypocrite.”

“Of course he’s a hypocrite – he’s religious nut. If you’re that religious, you have to be a little bit off your rocker. Just works out that his rocker is screwing around on his wife,” said Holmes. “But seriously, the whole Duggar family is a little off. I mean, hello – condoms anyone? 19 kids? Get the fudge outta here with that shit. Seriously though, Josh, if you’re reading this…call me, baby! I miss that ass!”

Recently Paroled Child Killer: ‘It’s The Children’s Fault For How They Were Dressing’

SYDNEY, Australia – empire-news-recently-paroled-child-killer-its-the-childrens-fault-for-how-they-were-dressing

Following the recent pedophilia scandal of ex-Australian Children’s TV star Rolf Harris, questions are being asked into how someone so blatantly dispicable managed to evade being caught for so many years. Fearing that their child may be the next victim of sexual abuse, many parents are crying out and asking what they can do to prevent these things from happening to their own kids.

Empire spoke to a recently-released child killer, who we will refer to as “Jared”, about what parents can do to ensure that their children are not even on a criminal’s radar.

“You already know how to educate your kids on stranger danger.” he said. “But most of the time, telling your kids not to talk to a stranger isn’t going to stop a potential pedophile from snatching them. Put it this way, if a criminal sees something he desires, ain’t nothing going to stop him if its what he really wants.

“What you’ve gotta do, is stop dressing your children so godd— trendy. It’s your fault, and the children’s fault for how they are dressing!” explained Jared. “All these kids prancing around in adult looking, fashionable clothing, they’re just begging for attention. They’re begging to be snatched up, hurt, abused, and worse.”

It is true that in recent years children’s fashion has taken a surprising turn in regards to style and importance. Last year, London, England played host to the first ever Global Kids Fashion Week,  where young children skipped down the catwalk in designer gear. Even more recently, Florence, Italy held the first annual Pitti Bimbo, a childrenswear trade show. Gone are the days where kids were simply dressed in t-shirts and jeans. Nowadays, even the top fashion labels out there have designer clothes for children to be seen in.

Freelance children’s clothing designer Joanne Okes expressed her own concern about the direction of children’s fashion.

“When you surround kids with such overwhelming consumerism, and you tell them that labels and clothing are crucial to their identity, you end up not with children, not with consumers, but with products. Stylishly dressed kids these days are becoming more and more a fashion accessory, and less like the children of a bygone era.”

“When a criminal sees a stylishly dressed child, he sees an object, not a person, he sees a fashion accesory begging to be used.” Jared’s horrifying words almost mirroring Mrs Okes. “He sees sex incarnate, the same as most men would in any model walking down the runway.”

Whether or not how a child dresses is a factor into the dispicable crimes we unfortunately see so often, is debatable.

“It’s ludicrous!” Said Jeanne Curtis, mother of two young girls. “The idea that how my kids are dressed has anything to do with whether they will be abducted or not is just disgusting. It’s not only an excuse for their evil behavior, but a poor one at that. If my children want to grow up to be the next Cindy Crawford or Sharon Stone, they are going to start young and become beautiful every day.”

When asked about a local court trial involving 21-year-old Susan Bedow and her apparent rapist, the same parent responded, “Well, I don’t know whether the guy is guilty or not, but if he did rape her, that’s completely different. I mean, well…did you see the skimpy outfit she was wearing on TV? That [expletive] was asking for it!”

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