Recently Paroled Child Killer: ‘It’s The Children’s Fault For How They Were Dressing’

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SYDNEY, Australia – empire-news-recently-paroled-child-killer-its-the-childrens-fault-for-how-they-were-dressing

Following the recent pedophilia scandal of ex-Australian Children’s TV star Rolf Harris, questions are being asked into how someone so blatantly dispicable managed to evade being caught for so many years. Fearing that their child may be the next victim of sexual abuse, many parents are crying out and asking what they can do to prevent these things from happening to their own kids.

Empire spoke to a recently-released child killer, who we will refer to as “Jared”, about what parents can do to ensure that their children are not even on a criminal’s radar.

“You already know how to educate your kids on stranger danger.” he said. “But most of the time, telling your kids not to talk to a stranger isn’t going to stop a potential pedophile from snatching them. Put it this way, if a criminal sees something he desires, ain’t nothing going to stop him if its what he really wants.

“What you’ve gotta do, is stop dressing your children so godd— trendy. It’s your fault, and the children’s fault for how they are dressing!” explained Jared. “All these kids prancing around in adult looking, fashionable clothing, they’re just begging for attention. They’re begging to be snatched up, hurt, abused, and worse.”

It is true that in recent years children’s fashion has taken a surprising turn in regards to style and importance. Last year, London, England played host to the first ever Global Kids Fashion Week,  where young children skipped down the catwalk in designer gear. Even more recently, Florence, Italy held the first annual Pitti Bimbo, a childrenswear trade show. Gone are the days where kids were simply dressed in t-shirts and jeans. Nowadays, even the top fashion labels out there have designer clothes for children to be seen in.

Freelance children’s clothing designer Joanne Okes expressed her own concern about the direction of children’s fashion.

“When you surround kids with such overwhelming consumerism, and you tell them that labels and clothing are crucial to their identity, you end up not with children, not with consumers, but with products. Stylishly dressed kids these days are becoming more and more a fashion accessory, and less like the children of a bygone era.”

“When a criminal sees a stylishly dressed child, he sees an object, not a person, he sees a fashion accesory begging to be used.” Jared’s horrifying words almost mirroring Mrs Okes. “He sees sex incarnate, the same as most men would in any model walking down the runway.”

Whether or not how a child dresses is a factor into the dispicable crimes we unfortunately see so often, is debatable.

“It’s ludicrous!” Said Jeanne Curtis, mother of two young girls. “The idea that how my kids are dressed has anything to do with whether they will be abducted or not is just disgusting. It’s not only an excuse for their evil behavior, but a poor one at that. If my children want to grow up to be the next Cindy Crawford or Sharon Stone, they are going to start young and become beautiful every day.”

When asked about a local court trial involving 21-year-old Susan Bedow and her apparent rapist, the same parent responded, “Well, I don’t know whether the guy is guilty or not, but if he did rape her, that’s completely different. I mean, well…did you see the skimpy outfit she was wearing on TV? That [expletive] was asking for it!”

‘Sexy Felon’ Jeremy Meeks Sparks Fresh Life Into Fashion Industry

STOCKTON, California – empire-news-jeremy-meeks-sparks-new-life-into-fashion-industry

The man the internet refers to as the ‘sexy felon’ and the ‘hot mugshot guy’, alleged arms dealer Jeremy Meeks spoke with our sources yesterday, and revealed his plans to further his new- found fame into a career as a high end fashion designer.

Meeks, 30, who was arrested on weapons and gang charges, caused a stir in the online world a couple of weeks ago when his mug shot was shared on Facebook and thousands of women began to throw themselves at his steely blue eyes.

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“I’m the new face of modeling, y’know?” Meeks told reporters from behind his cell bars. “The high-end fashion world is bored with skinny white boys in billowing veils. They want a bad-ass. An anti-hero! I once killed three people in two minutes with nothing but a Pringles tube. Er, allegedly. Nice guys finish last, women want mass murderers and serial rapists these days to keep them happy.”

No stranger to prison, Mr. Meeks has reportedly begun work on a new male fashion line based off the attire of several of his more interesting inmates.

“I can’t reveal too much about the designs just yet, but I will say they embody the sexy crime-chic look Fashionista’s will kill for.” Said Meeks.

“He’s a fresh spark of life to an industry that is drowning in black shawls and gawdy platform shoes. He’s what we need right now.” Said Sebastian Suhl, CEO of fashion label Givenchy.

“I’m just doing my thing. Trying to make a quick buck and a bang.” Meeks explained, “They want criminal scumbag, I give ‘em criminal scumbag – the clothing line.”

No word yet as to when Meeks’ designs will be modeled on the runways.

Facebook Admits to Manipulating User Profiles For Absurdist ‘Matchmaking Game’

MENLO PARK, California – Facebook Admits to Manipulating User Profiles For Absurd Matchmaking Game

The terrifying news released last week that Facebook admitted to manipulating the posts of 689,003 users in a mood-changing social experiment came as a shock to people worldwide. Further investigations into the ethicality of their experiments has uncovered new information that suggests Facebook has been using their “guinea-pig” users in a much more problematic way.

This secondary experiment first became apparent when reading the official report released by Facebook, sources noticed occasional references to something called “dating data.” When prompted about the mysterious data, Facebook technology teams confessed to what they had been doing throughout the site.

“Using what we learned from our initial experiment – that modifying the news feeds of a user could in fact modify their mood as a whole – we invested in a smaller project to see if by modifying people’s news feeds and shared information, we could push for romantic relationships between certain users, and deter them between others.” Said an employee of the company, speaking under the guise of anonymity.

“Our aim was to discover how far social networking goes today in regards to formulating intimacy between people.” Said another employee in charge of the dating data. “We edited private messages being sent between users, even sent a few ourselves, and we even used our stupid ‘poke’ option to generate interest between chosen users. If you got ‘poked’ in the last year on the site, that was most definitely us. No one actually pokes anybody.”

“To be honest, the whole thing was just a game to us. We’d choose a couple people in the same city at random, make sure they didn’t know each other at all, and start playing our games. It was all really just for a laugh. Oh, and, of course, to study human interaction, etcetera blah blah.”

This bizarre matchmaking experiment prompts ethicists and futurists to ask several alarming questions about the nature of privacy on the internet and how much we allow technology to control our lives in this day and age

“What we have here is a prime example of when massive corporations such as Facebook, are given too much power over the day-to-day social (and private) lives of everyday people.” Futurist Jim Carroll explained. “Hollywood makes so many movies about far-off futuristic dystopias, but what many don’t realize, and what’s highlighted by Facebook’s invasive studies, is that we are already living in one.”

When asked to comment on their latest scandal, Facebook responded by neither admitting their faults, nor denying that they were manipulating user data.

“We here at Facebook believe in user privacy, sorta, but we also believe in scientific discovery. It is important to understand human emotion and just how easily it can be tweaked by interactive new media such as social networking. We are dealing with new technology here that no one completely understands. Experiments can help us learn.”

Facebook, as a publicly traded company, is legally allowed to do whatever they want with the public and private data that users transmit through their system. The end-user agreement that is digitally “signed” by any user who creates an account, actually gives Facebook the company a lot of rights over them that they probably would never allow.

Analysts have said that in the several years that Facebook has grown to be one of the biggest websites in the world, not a single person who has created an account has taken the time to read the license agreement the site makes you agree to. They went on to say the only way to stop Facebook from manipulating their data is to stop using the website all together.

“Really, the best thing would be to switch to something like MySpace or Google Plus.” Said one analyst. “Your information is going to be extremely private on those websites, because no one uses them in the first place, so no one cares to study the user data of a handful of people.”

 

Pope Francis Shocks The World By Opening Vatican City To Area Homeless

VATICAN CITY, Rome – empire-pope-francis-shocks-world-opens-vatican-to-all-homeless-in-rome

Pope Francis continued his reign of controversy last week when he officially announced in a morning mass the opening of the doors of Vatican City, including the famous Apostolic Palace, to the homeless of Rome for shelter.

No stranger to culture-shocking, Pope Francis added that, in edition to the Vatican being open for anyone who needed shelter, he would personally guarantee food, fresh water, and bathing facilities to anyone who needed it. He even offered privacy beds for homeless married couples who have not have the chance to copulate while living in squalor in the surrounding cities.

Unsurprisingly, this latest announcement of a Holy Man who seems intent on turning the Roman Catholic Church on its head has caused several uproars among other priests and every-day Catholics, many of whom eschew the Pontiff’s modern theories in favor of their religious and dogmatic dark ages-style of worship.

One source tells us that although there are some in the Vatican who are for changing the socio-political environment of today’s society, they are not necessarily on board with being forced to house down-on-their-luck homeless if confronted by one outside their front doors.

“This is exactly the kind of event which highlights to the world the difference between corruption-hijacking beliefs and true spirituality.” Noted one religious commentator who wished to remain anonymous. “They [the church] aren’t giving us a choice. If we live here, then we are required to just step aside and let dirty, possibly diseased, and desperate people into our homes. I will not complain publicly, but I am not happy.”

As far as Pope Francis is concerned, people understand the changes he is trying to make.

“My aim is to be as Christ-like as I can. To heal the sick, feed the poor, take care of the orphans and widows, and preach good news that God is reconciled with mankind.” Said Pope Francis to a Roman newspaper last week. “I open up my home to those without homes, in hopes of fulfilling this very thing. There is no agenda here. Whether they are Roman-Catholic or not, all are welcome to stay without needing to give anything back in return.”

“I’m surprised,” said one believer when we spoke to them about the recent turn of events, “and I am disappointed. I hoped that his Holiness would have had more of an understanding of the importance of tradition. Instead he is completely disregarding it in almost any way he can.”

Pope Francis previously has made news headlines for his comparatively inclusive statements about the LGBTQ community as well as allegedly sneaking out of the Vatican in disguise at night to pray with the homeless people he cares so deeply for.

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