Pope Declares Series Of New, Damnable Sins

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Pope Francis Visits Sardinia

ROME, Italy –

A “sin of the week” will soon be posted on the Pope’s social media accounts, causing those of the Catholic faith to have to keep up-to-date on what may send them to Hell. Upcoming sins will include voting for liberals, neglecting houseplants, and inconsiderate parking. Plans are also in the works to finally do something about ‘deviled eggs’ and high-carbon emissions, which are leading to the apocalypse.

High ranking and outspoken Cardinal Steve Jalsevec says he does not know what is going on in the Vatican, but something is terribly amiss. “I knew he was crazy when he started talking about how evolution was part of God’s plan. This finally proves it. I don’t know how his advisors are letting this happen.”

The Pope’s advisors are reported to be “having fun for once in their lives.” Publicly, the Vatican has said this is serious business.

“God has told Pope Francis his will be numbered on this planet. Before he is called Home to His Heavenly Kingdom, there is some business he must attend to. The Sin-A-Week plan will ensure he has time to take care of all the issues that are important to him.”

Bill Murray Condemned By Religious-Right After Publicly Denouncing God

murray

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Across America, the anti-Bill Murray campaign can be heard in sermons and seen on signs outside of churches. Various Christian groups have said they will not be supporting Murray in the 2016 Presidential Election, which Murray entered last week, and they urge others to follow.

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Murray has been clear with reporters on his religious views. “Religion is the worst enemy of mankind. People can believe whatever they choose to believe, but it does not belong in politics. It imprisons your mind. Religion creates hate, racism, bigotry and keeps you from your true potential in life. No single war in the history of humanity has killed as many people as religion has.”

Murray says he expected not to be backed by religious groups. “I imagine I probably won’t be too popular with the Christian vote in this country, but I’m fine with that.”

Still Murray has a small but vocal following who says he does not need the support of the religious right in the election. Paul Horner, a spokesman for the campaign says,“He’s a living legend and is exactly what America needs right now.”

Groundbreaking Study Shows Prayer Might Not Actually Help Terminally Ill Patients

Groundbreaking Study Shows Prayer Might Not Actually Help Terminally Ill Patients

CONCORD, Massachusetts – 

An important study recently concluded that gathered the minds of doctors, scientists, priests, and hundreds of thousands of people revealed some potentially devastating information: praying for people with terminal illnesses might not save their lives or even relieve their suffering.

In the five year long study, one hundred terminally ill cancer patients volunteered to take part. Half of them acted as the control group, while almost a million people, sourced through various channels, prayed for the other half consistently. The results: each case ended at completely random intervals, with only one person making a full recovery. This one man was in the control group.

“I had a hunch prayer might not be as effective as people make it out to be, but I never thought it would be completely useless,” one of the leading doctors for the study remarked.

The group behind the study followed up with a report stating that the findings were not entirely conclusive since “God’s will can’t be proven,” suggesting that the Holy Spirit already had different plans for this group of people. Nonetheless, it raises skepticism and is pushing more doctors to rely on their years of painstaking medical studies instead of prayer.

“The craziest part for me,” one of the study’s unbiased third-party observers said, “is that the people in the non-prayer group actually did better overall. I mean obviously with something like cancer it’s hard to tell because every case is different, but since people weren’t allowed to pray for them they spent their time raising money for research, helping them pay their medical bills, and in general doing whatever else they could to help.”

Several members of the study’s prayer group also chipped in to financially and emotionally support the control group without prayer, often finding that their time felt much better spent. A much larger and longer-term study is scheduled to begin in a few months to hopefully gather a second round of evidence.

Pope Francis Stepping Down, Says ‘There is no God’

VATICAN CITY, Rome – Pope Francis Stepping Down, Says 'There is no God'

Pope Francis shocked the Catholic world today announcing that he plans on stepping down from his position. Papal Resignation is extremely rare, and this will only be the 7th time in the history of the church. Pope Francis made his announcement from his balcony in Vatican City to thousand of shocked spectators. 

“I have come to the conclusion there is no God,” said Pope Francis, a man who has become known for his unorthodox views on the Catholic church. “I have dedicated my life to the church. Clearly, so many wasted years of unanswered prayers. I can no longer in good faith head the church anymore, as whatever spirit that had filled my heart is gone.”

A shocked crowd of onlookers became extremely quiet as the Pontiff continued, many of whom openly wept.

“I will stay on long enough for another Pope to be chosen, of course. I know many of you will be upset, but please be happy for me and my new life. I plan on spending my remaining years traveling, maybe finding a good woman and settling down. Hell, maybe even a good man. Who knows? It’s a new day, and I solemnly believe that everyone should choose to live their life the way they want. I wish you all the best and don’t let my decision stop you from believing in an imaginary God, if that’s what you want to do.”

”Pope Francis’ decision comes as no surprise to Vatican insiders, his hard-line stance on altar boy molestation, his generosity to the poor, and his blessing of gay marriage have made unpopular among priests of the church,” says Vatican reporter  Francesco Rinaldi. “Some say the Pope was being blackmailed to step down by Church officials. Whatever the reason, most look forward to his departure so the Church can get back to business as usual – hating gays and bashing sinners.”

 

Pope Francis Shocks The World By Opening Vatican City To Area Homeless

VATICAN CITY, Rome – empire-pope-francis-shocks-world-opens-vatican-to-all-homeless-in-rome

Pope Francis continued his reign of controversy last week when he officially announced in a morning mass the opening of the doors of Vatican City, including the famous Apostolic Palace, to the homeless of Rome for shelter.

No stranger to culture-shocking, Pope Francis added that, in edition to the Vatican being open for anyone who needed shelter, he would personally guarantee food, fresh water, and bathing facilities to anyone who needed it. He even offered privacy beds for homeless married couples who have not have the chance to copulate while living in squalor in the surrounding cities.

Unsurprisingly, this latest announcement of a Holy Man who seems intent on turning the Roman Catholic Church on its head has caused several uproars among other priests and every-day Catholics, many of whom eschew the Pontiff’s modern theories in favor of their religious and dogmatic dark ages-style of worship.

One source tells us that although there are some in the Vatican who are for changing the socio-political environment of today’s society, they are not necessarily on board with being forced to house down-on-their-luck homeless if confronted by one outside their front doors.

“This is exactly the kind of event which highlights to the world the difference between corruption-hijacking beliefs and true spirituality.” Noted one religious commentator who wished to remain anonymous. “They [the church] aren’t giving us a choice. If we live here, then we are required to just step aside and let dirty, possibly diseased, and desperate people into our homes. I will not complain publicly, but I am not happy.”

As far as Pope Francis is concerned, people understand the changes he is trying to make.

“My aim is to be as Christ-like as I can. To heal the sick, feed the poor, take care of the orphans and widows, and preach good news that God is reconciled with mankind.” Said Pope Francis to a Roman newspaper last week. “I open up my home to those without homes, in hopes of fulfilling this very thing. There is no agenda here. Whether they are Roman-Catholic or not, all are welcome to stay without needing to give anything back in return.”

“I’m surprised,” said one believer when we spoke to them about the recent turn of events, “and I am disappointed. I hoped that his Holiness would have had more of an understanding of the importance of tradition. Instead he is completely disregarding it in almost any way he can.”

Pope Francis previously has made news headlines for his comparatively inclusive statements about the LGBTQ community as well as allegedly sneaking out of the Vatican in disguise at night to pray with the homeless people he cares so deeply for.

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