Bill Murray Says He Defecated On Hillary Clinton’s Limousine

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murray

CHARLESTON, North Carolina –

No one expected Bill Murray to throw his hat in the ring for president, but last week, the 65-year-old comedian and actor made his intentions known officially, assuring everyone he is completely serious and interested in winning the 2016 election.

Unfortunately, immediately following his announcement that he was campaigning, a damning video surfaced of the actor on major news websites, showing him defecating on Hillary Clinton’s motorcade.

“It’s not like I was taking a dump on the American flag or anything,” Murray said, admitting to news outlets that what they had seen in the video was true. “It was just the Clinton limousine. Who cares? I had been thinking about doing that for a while now. It just seemed right. I’d never do that to Bernie Sanders, though. He seems like a decent guy. The rest of them are just scum.”

Murray’s representatives later retracted the statement, saying that Murray’s admission of guilt was a joke and made tongue-in-cheek. They denied any involvement, and attributed the incident to a lookalike.

Ice-T Trademarks Name, Sues Snapple and Arizona Over Infringement

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Rapper and actor Ice-T has reportedly trademarked his moniker with the intention of suing major companies who infringe upon the mark with their products. Ice-T, whose real name is Tracy Marrow, says that he has been referring to himself after the tasty summer beverage longer than many companies have been selling the drink.

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“Ice-T, Ice Tea, Iced Tea – it doesn’t matter what you call it or how you spell it, the name is the same, and these companies are infringing on my mark,” said the entertainer, who is perhaps best known for his song “Cop Killer” and for playing a police detective on TV on Law and Order: SVU. “I don’t really need the money, but I also don’t want companies shilling a product that I haven’t put my stamp on. Frankly, I don’t like iced tea that much, and I’d rather them call it something else.”

T has reportedly met with lawyers for companies such as Snapple and Arizona in hopes that a settlement can be reached without going to court.

“I don’t want these companies to go out of business or anything, I just want them to change the name of the product to something else, and let me be the only T, or tea, that’s around,” said Ice-T. “I’ve made a few suggestions, such as ‘sugary shit’ and ‘lemony liquid’ that they could go by, either of which I think would easily catch on with people who like to drink that stuff.”

Representatives for Snapple could not be reached for comment.

Bill Murray Condemned By Religious-Right After Publicly Denouncing God

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HOLLYWOOD, California –

Across America, the anti-Bill Murray campaign can be heard in sermons and seen on signs outside of churches. Various Christian groups have said they will not be supporting Murray in the 2016 Presidential Election, which Murray entered last week, and they urge others to follow.

Murray has been clear with reporters on his religious views. “Religion is the worst enemy of mankind. People can believe whatever they choose to believe, but it does not belong in politics. It imprisons your mind. Religion creates hate, racism, bigotry and keeps you from your true potential in life. No single war in the history of humanity has killed as many people as religion has.”

Murray says he expected not to be backed by religious groups. “I imagine I probably won’t be too popular with the Christian vote in this country, but I’m fine with that.”

Still Murray has a small but vocal following who says he does not need the support of the religious right in the election. Paul Horner, a spokesman for the campaign says,“He’s a living legend and is exactly what America needs right now.”

Channing Tatum’s Wife ‘Wanted Pet Goat To Die’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Channing Tatum fans mourned with the actor at the loss of his daughter’s pet goat, Heather, earlier in the week. As the issue circled social media, some commented with “who cares about a celebrity’s livestock?”, but outraged goat-lovers felt for Tatum and his family, saying goats are lovable pets. One who apparently never found the goat lovable was Jenna Dewan Tatum who is said to have been grossed out by the goat and wanted it dead.

Hired stable hand to the stars, and former Tatum goat boy, Jesus Martinez, says Jenna always hated the goat. “She always complain of the smell. And said the goat would give her daughter worms. Heather was stubborn old goat who would’ve refused to die another five years. Mrs. Tatum threatened to poison her all the time. Maybe this time she did. Who to say? I am not animal doctor. I just know that death come too soon for poor Heather.”

Jealous women everywhere are calling for Channing to divorce Jenna, saying any one of them would be a better mommy to their child, Everly Tatum. “She aint no kind of woman if she wanted that sweet little goat to die. I would clean up the goat poop myself if it meant I got to lay my head on Channing’s sweet rippled chest at night,” says hopeful next-in-line Mia Kelly, superfan. “Goat poop, kid poop, whatever poop – who cares? Have you seen Channing with his clothes off? Mmm, mmm.”

Men Are Paying Thousands Of Dollars To Be Led Around Like Dogs By Beautiful Women

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CHICAGO, Illinois – 

A secret trend that has reportedly been going on for quite some time in Chicago’s underground sex scene is seeing a major public interest after a well-known actor said that he “loves being led around like a dog.”

According to Variety, a very well-known and respected Oscar winning actor (who they refused to name) has been visiting Chicago for over a decade to be led around on a leash like a dog.

“I could do this in LA, I’m sure, but there’s something about flying to Chicago, away from everyone I know and see every day, and letting a woman strap me to a leash and parade me around the neighborhood,” said the unknown actor, who Variety said is in his mid-30s, and often stars in historical dramas. “It’s sexual, yes, but it’s also just about being treated like shit for awhile. In Hollywood, everyone is a yes man, especially after you win an Oscar. This takes that way, way down and throws it all away.”

Hollywood elite aren’t the only ones indulging, though. A woman that Empire News spoke to says she has made her living over the last three years being a Doggy Mom, as they’ve become to be referred to as.

“It started innocently enough, actually,” said Maryanne Jones, 31. “I was married, and my husband liked to be dominated. I wasn’t that big into it one way or the other when we were together, but after we got divorced, I found myself still wanting to have that control. I put an ad on Craigslist, and here we are, three years later. I have probably 25 different clients or so, and I made about $60,000 last year. It’s a living, that’s for sure.”

 

Morgan Freeman Reportedly Transitioning To Female, Changing Name To Morgan Freewoman

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Actor Morgan Freeman, best known for being the black guy in every film ever made, has reportedly come out as transgendered, and has been seen dressing as a woman while out and about in Los Angeles.

“I can’t take it seriously, I just can’t,” said an onlooker at La Fete, a famous Hollywood lounge. “I saw Morgan Freeman walk in, and he’s wearing a blonde wig and bright purple eyeshadow. It was ridiculous. I know I should be more respectful – it was hard enough not laughing hysterically the first time I saw Bruce Jenner walking down the street in pumps, but this was just a new level of absurd.”

Freeman was reached out to be media outlets, and he confirmed that yes, he had been dressing as a woman.

“I’ve been dressing this way for many, many years, but it was only when I saw how brave Caitlyn Jenner was that I was able to be brave, too,” said Freeman. “I would like it very much if people could respect my wishes, though, and now refer to me as Morgan Freewoman.”

“I mean, I think Caitlyn Jenner is a piece of shit who should be in jail for her part in, you know, killing someone,” said one of Morgan Freewoman’s fans, Joe Goldsmith. “She, he, whatever, can go straight to hell. Bigoted bitch. Morgan Freewoman, on the other hand, is a beautiful, and respectful person who deserves to be able to have some privacy during this time.”

Man Uses Bent iPhone 6 To Free Baby From Locked Car

TAHLEQUAH, Oklahoma – Man Uses Bent iPhone 6 To Free Baby From Locked Car

Good news today for Apple and their latest flagship product, as a loyal ‘iFan’ was able to turn an engineering scandal into a stroke of genius and save a baby’s life in the process. Mark Mahone, a part-time model and actor from Tahlequah, Oklahoma was walking through a local mall parking lot on the way to his car,when he spotted a woman waving frantically.

“She just ran up to me, all frantic like,” Mahone recounts. “She was screaming ‘my baby is locked in the car!’ over and over. Real uptight sounding. So I walk over to the car with her and sure enough, the baby was locked in the dang car. Well, as an actor I once played a criminal on a second-rate TV show, and my scene involved unlocking a car with a slim jim, which is basically just a flat piece of metal that is bent just right at the end. Tensions are running kinda high though, and I can’t think of a thing I can use to unlock the car.”

According to Mahone, he was seconds away from merely smashing the woman’s window with his hands or face, but another idea came to him instead.

“Then it hit me. I got the iPhone 6 plus! I figured I could bend it jussstt right, like I saw on all the bad reviews that I didn’t get to read because I bought it on day-1 at the midnight release. Anyway, so I bent her good, right then and there. It was real easy since it’s not a real sturdy phone. It took a couple of seconds, but I popped the lock and she was able to get her baby. Before I knew it, there was a reporter there, asking me questions. Said I was a hero and stuff.”

Other bystanders remember it a little differently. Thad Henry, a local mechanic, was also on the scene.

“This lady locks her kid in the car. Total dumbass move. Too busy texting like an idiot. Then this other dude comes along and bends his $900 dollar piece of Apple shit into a slim jim. Typical iPhone dumbass – it’s a phone, dude! He never even thought to just call the police. Neither did the mom, apparently. I mean, it’s a pretty mild 68 degrees out here, the baby is asleep, and a cop could be here to pop the lock for free in five minutes. I’m just watching this whole thing go down, in total awe. Anyway, so this jackoff bends his phone in half to unlock the door. He has to be a hero or whatever, and winds up looking like a total tool, ’cause he bought a shitty phone and then bent it in half to make it even shittier. Typical iPhone idiot, I tell ya!”

Perhaps the mother said it best. “I don’t know if it was the smart thing to do, but it got my door open, and my baby is safe. Sounds like a happy ending to me.”

Meanwhile, Apple warranty doesn’t cover bent iPhones, so with a bit of luck, Mahone will be able to bend his back to a useable shape.

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