LOS ANGELES, California –
Bill Murray reportedly stabbed a fan who was taking pictures of him at a Los Angeles bar and restaurant, say reports. The fan, George Willis, was taken to a nearby hospital where he was treated for his wounds and released.
According to onlookers, Willis repeatedly took pictures of the Groundhog Day star, even after Murray had politely asked him not to. After several minutes of Willis gawking and photo-taking, Murray reportedly grabbed Willis’ cell phone and threw it across the room. Willis then proceeded to pull a tablet out of a bag, and continue taking pictures.
“It was at that point that Bill picked up his fork, went over to the guy again, and stabbed him in the shoulder,” said a witness. “To be honest, I laughed, because the guy deserved it. Funny thing was, the guy who got stabbed, he didn’t even flinch. He let out a wail, but then went right back to taking pictures with his iPad.”
Murray left the bar shortly after the incident, but Willis says that he is not pressing charges anyway.
“Bill Murray is the greatest actor in the history of cinema,” said Willis. “I know that he asked me to stop taking pictures, but I just couldn’t. Even after he smashed my phone and threw it. To be stabbed by him is the greatest honor ever. Maybe someday I can meet him again, and he can sign the scar in my shoulder and I can get it tattooed onto me permanently.”
CHARLESTON, North Carolina –
No one expected Bill Murray to throw his hat in the ring for president, but last week, the 65-year-old comedian and actor made his intentions known officially, assuring everyone he is completely serious and interested in winning the 2016 election.
Unfortunately, immediately following his announcement that he was campaigning, a damning video surfaced of the actor on major news websites, showing him defecating on Hillary Clinton’s motorcade.
“It’s not like I was taking a dump on the American flag or anything,” Murray said, admitting to news outlets that what they had seen in the video was true. “It was just the Clinton limousine. Who cares? I had been thinking about doing that for a while now. It just seemed right. I’d never do that to Bernie Sanders, though. He seems like a decent guy. The rest of them are just scum.”
Murray’s representatives later retracted the statement, saying that Murray’s admission of guilt was a joke and made tongue-in-cheek. They denied any involvement, and attributed the incident to a lookalike.
HOLLYWOOD, California –
Across America, the anti-Bill Murray campaign can be heard in sermons and seen on signs outside of churches. Various Christian groups have said they will not be supporting Murray in the 2016 Presidential Election, which Murray entered last week, and they urge others to follow.
Murray has been clear with reporters on his religious views. “Religion is the worst enemy of mankind. People can believe whatever they choose to believe, but it does not belong in politics. It imprisons your mind. Religion creates hate, racism, bigotry and keeps you from your true potential in life. No single war in the history of humanity has killed as many people as religion has.”
Murray says he expected not to be backed by religious groups. “I imagine I probably won’t be too popular with the Christian vote in this country, but I’m fine with that.”
Still Murray has a small but vocal following who says he does not need the support of the religious right in the election. Paul Horner, a spokesman for the campaign says,“He’s a living legend and is exactly what America needs right now.”