Bill Murray Reportedly Stabs Fan Who Was Photographing Him

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LOS ANGELES, California –

Bill Murray reportedly stabbed a fan who was taking pictures of him at a Los Angeles bar and restaurant, say reports. The fan, George Willis, was taken to a nearby hospital where he was treated for his wounds and released.

According to onlookers, Willis repeatedly took pictures of the Groundhog Day star, even after Murray had politely asked him not to. After several minutes of Willis gawking and photo-taking, Murray reportedly grabbed Willis’ cell phone and threw it across the room. Willis then proceeded to pull a tablet out of a bag, and continue taking pictures.

“It was at that point that Bill picked up his fork, went over to the guy again, and stabbed him in the shoulder,” said a witness. “To be honest, I laughed, because the guy deserved it. Funny thing was, the guy who got stabbed, he didn’t even flinch. He let out a wail, but then went right back to taking pictures with his iPad.”

Murray left the bar shortly after the incident, but Willis says that he is not pressing charges anyway.

“Bill Murray is the greatest actor in the history of cinema,” said Willis. “I know that he asked me to stop taking pictures, but I just couldn’t. Even after he smashed my phone and threw it. To be stabbed by him  is the greatest honor ever. Maybe someday I can meet him again, and he can sign the scar in my shoulder and I can get it tattooed onto me permanently.”

Teen Blinded After Taking Advice From Gag Meme On Facebook

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BRIDGTON, Maine –

Tanya Herson, 17, has reportedly blinded herself after putting jalapeño slices directly over her eyes in a misguided beauty technique. A meme she had seen on Facebook said it would get rid of puffy eyes. Although it started to burn almost immediately, she assumed that was a sign that it was working.

Her mother, Deanna, says she “heard Tanya screaming bloody murder,” but at first did not know what had happened.

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“Tanya couldn’t tell me what happened. Her eyes were red and swollen. I thought it was an allergic reaction to some kind of makeup, so I had her flush out her eyes in the shower and called 911,” said Deanna.

By the time paramedics arrived, Tanya had completely lost sight in both eyes. Later she told her mother she had seen it in a meme.

“There needs to be someone monitoring the internet,” says Tasha’s mother. “We can’t continue to allow our fake news to hurt our impressionable children.” Deanna says she is looking into suing Mark Zuckerberg for her daughter’s medical bills, as well as pain and suffering. “He owns the website, and the website let someone post this horrible information. If he’s not to blame, I don’t know who is.”

 

Tom Cruise Critically Injured During Filming Of ‘Mission: Impossible 5’

LONDON, England – Tom Cruise Critically Injured During Filming Of 'Mission Impossible 5'

According to UK entertainment source MovieNews Weekly, Tom Cruise was critically injured during the filming of the fifth installment of the Mission: Impossible movie series in London late Saturday evening.

The 52-year-old actor, who insists on performing his own stunts, was shooting a scene in which his character, Ethan Hunt, tosses an exploding briefcase into the car of a would be assassin, but according to reports, the pyrotechnic-wired briefcase prematurely detonated just after leaving the actors hand. Those on the scene said it was a horrific sight, as Cruise’s groin area seemed to take the brunt of the blow.

“It was awful man. The thing didn’t go off when it was supposed to and the explosion caught us all off guard. Then I heard it. The screams, I will never forget his screams man,” co-star Ving Rhames said. “I immediately ran over to him, and at first I didn’t know what to do, so I just grabbed his crotch to stop the bleeding. It was just instinct, ya’ know? I looked down and I noticed he had his balls right there in his hand; they weren’t even attached anymore. God, I can’t even talk about it. I threw up everywhere. It was the most gruesome thing I have ever seen.”

Cruise was immediately transported to Royal London Hospital, where he underwent a five-hour surgery led by Dr. Frederick Carlton. According to Carlton, the surgery went very well, and the actor is recovering and is now in stable condition.

Cruise, who seems to always look on the bright side of things, said that even if they hadn’t been able to re-attach his missing penis and testicles, he’d still consider himself to be very lucky for being able to do what he does for a living.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that they put it back on, and from what they say, eventually it will look and perform just as it always did very soon,” said Cruise from his hospital bed. “Thankfully, my penis doesn’t play a huge role in Mission: Impossible, so I should be able to get back to work within the next week or two. But because I didn’t want to lose any confidence when it comes to performing and stunt work after this little mishap, I did have them replace my testicles with an even bigger set made from smooth, surgical-grade steel.”

Executives at Paramount Pictures, distribution company for Mission: Impossible 5 said that filming would continue without Cruise while he recovers, and that he is expected to return to work by mid-January.

NASCAR Driver Falls Asleep at Wheel, 22 Injured

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida – NASCAR Driver Falls Asleep at Wheel, 22 Injured

During a NASCAR race in Daytona on Friday afternoon, 22 people were injured after new driver Mark Hardy fell asleep and crashed during a straightaway. Reports say the people who were injured consisted mostly of employees of the track.

Hardy walked away with no serious injuries, but says the situation is bitter-sweet.

“I am happy to be alive, of course but I feel terrible that others got hurt,” said Hardy. “It’s also hard, because I was in second place. I could have won the whole thing if I had just gotten some sleep the night before.”

Hardy says the crash was caused because he fell asleep at the wheel. He claimed that he didn’t sleep well because he was too nervous and excited about his first ‘big’ race, and that after driving left in a circle for so many miles during the race, it was a wonder he even stayed awake as long as he did.

“Anyone who is driving that long, going nowhere, you could tend to get drowsy,” said Hardy. “Think of it from a fan’s perspective. If you’re watching at home, there’s no way you’re not taking a nap midway through the event, right? It’s not any different for a driver.”

Strangely enough, it appears from video reviewed after the accident that Hardy was asleep for two laps before crashing.

“I remember my eyes getting really heavy, and then nothing for a bit, but I could still hear the noise of the other racers whizzing past me. I must have been driving on auto-pilot, basically. I remember being almost startled awake, and when I jumped, my leg hit the steering wheel and launched me off the track,” said Hardy.

According to hospital reports, all 22 people were, amazingly, treated and released, suffering minor injuries, with the biggest being a broken wrist. Hardy will be fined for racing in a state that NASCAR ‘unfit’ for driving.

 

YouTube-Famous Daredevil Vitaly Raskalov Injured In Freak Accident

KYIY, Ukraine – YouTube-Famous Daredevil Vitaly Raskalov Injured In Freak Accident

World-class daredevil and internet sensation Vitaly Raskalov was reportedly hospitalized for an injury he sustained at his home in Kyiy, Ukraine. Raskalov, who is famous for his YouTube videos of dangerous acts, like scaling skyscrapers, cranes, and buildings all over the world, apparently tripped while getting out of the shower, causing him to break his shoulder.

“It’s really silly, honestly.” Said Raskalov from his hospital bed. “But ya know, It happens to people all the time, doesn’t it? Why can’t it happen to me?”

There is a level of irony at Raskalov’s injury, as he has traveled the world risking life and limb climbing skyscrapers, buildings, and even the pyramids of Egypt.

Raskalov first rose to prominence as his YouTube videos showed him hanging from ledges hundreds of feet above the ground, walking along the rails of an abandoned roller coaster in Japan, or sneaking past security guards to gain access to restricted buildings. His extreme stunts have gotten him arrested and banned from multiple countries, including Egypt for the pyramid climb, and Russia for multiple stunts.

Doctors say that Raskalov will be back illegally climbing buildings by the end of the summer, assuming his shoulder heals properly. Thankfully, they say, he is in such great athletic shape, that his physical therapy should be minimal.

“This is an amazing kid, and what he does is…well, it makes me palms sweat when I see the videos.” Said Dr. Victor Marshen, Raskalov’s doctor. “He’s truly talented, and probably just a little past crazy.”

Raskalov has said that he still has several hours of video footage recorded, so his YouTube channel will continue to have new content, and that he plans on traveling to the US in the fall with hopes of climbing the Empire State building.

 

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