Tom Cruise Says He’s Leaving Church of Scientology

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Cruise, one of the most prolific A-list actors on the planet, is known almost as much for his bizarre religious beliefs as he is for his star power in action films like Mission:Impossible. But Cruise may be making a turn for the “normal,” as it was announced by his publicist this morning that Cruise was planning on leaving the Church of Scientology.

“Mr. Cruise has decided that he has spent enough money learning the secrets of the Church, and it is time for him to leave,” said Cruise’s agent, Mario Rubio. “Although this will be a difficult step, as the Church of Scientology is a known cult that often threatens people who leave with violence and lawsuits, Mr. Cruise feels he is above the reach of scientology.”

According to the Church, which was created by science-fiction writer L.Ron Hubbard, persons of a high rank in the organization, which Cruise is considered, are never allowed to leave, and sign documents declaring that they will not.

“Tom has a lot of high powered lawyers behind him, and he isn’t worried,” said Rubio. “Really, he just wants to spend a little bit of normal, regular time with his kids, without the Church’s involvement. It’s about time, too, if you ask me. It’s bound to make his next movie an even bigger hit, since there were definitely people who would not see his films due to his insane theories.”

Revealed: Tom Cruise The Father Of 300 Children

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Startling DNA evidence has revealed that Tom Cruise is the father of at least 300 children. According to sources, these are the offspring of cultish sexual practices done as part of Scientology rituals. This revelation adds more fuel to the ever growing movement against Scientology, which took a hit after a documentary purporting to release it’s secrets went viral.

“They meet in a remote area, where members who have been deemed worthy of the information of the location gather wearing masks,” said expert Tim Menashe. “Announcements are made, and rituals performed, after which a massive orgy takes place.”

Cruise reportedly stumbled upon the assembly after a piano-playing friend of his revealed the location to him at a bar. Cruise had been fighting with then spouse Nicole Kidman, and had gone wandering, finding a costume and arriving late to the gathering. He was then sent upstairs with a prostitute who warned him to leave.

“After much panic and worries of dark conspiracies, Cruise returned to the gathering, where he eventually became a member,” Menashe continued. “It is then that he impregnated tens of women, over and over again, his fertility bringing 300 or more kids into the world.”

Since the report came out, hordes of individuals around America have been rushing to get DNA tests done, in the hopes that they have a chance of being a child of the popular actor.

“The whole thing reminds me of the plot of a movie… I can’t quite remember which one,” Menashe said. “Oh wait – yes, it’s the one with Vince Vaughn. Delivery Man. That’s a funny movie.”

Tom Cruise Critically Injured During Filming Of ‘Mission: Impossible 5’

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LONDON, England –

According to UK entertainment source MovieNews Weekly, Tom Cruise was critically injured during the filming of the fifth installment of the Mission: Impossible movie series in London late Saturday evening.

The 52-year-old actor, who insists on performing his own stunts, was shooting a scene in which his character, Ethan Hunt, tosses an exploding briefcase into the car of a would be assassin, but according to reports, the pyrotechnic-wired briefcase prematurely detonated just after leaving the actors hand. Those on the scene said it was a horrific sight, as Cruise’s groin area seemed to take the brunt of the blow.

“It was awful man. The thing didn’t go off when it was supposed to and the explosion caught us all off guard. Then I heard it. The screams, I will never forget his screams man,” co-star Ving Rhames said. “I immediately ran over to him, and at first I didn’t know what to do, so I just grabbed his crotch to stop the bleeding. It was just instinct, ya’ know? I looked down and I noticed he had his balls right there in his hand; they weren’t even attached anymore. God, I can’t even talk about it. I threw up everywhere. It was the most gruesome thing I have ever seen.”

Cruise was immediately transported to Royal London Hospital, where he underwent a five-hour surgery led by Dr. Frederick Carlton. According to Carlton, the surgery went very well, and the actor is recovering and is now in stable condition.

Cruise, who seems to always look on the bright side of things, said that even if they hadn’t been able to re-attach his missing penis and testicles, he’d still consider himself to be very lucky for being able to do what he does for a living.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that they put it back on, and from what they say, eventually it will look and perform just as it always did very soon,” said Cruise from his hospital bed. “Thankfully, my penis doesn’t play a huge role in Mission: Impossible, so I should be able to get back to work within the next week or two. But because I didn’t want to lose any confidence when it comes to performing and stunt work after this little mishap, I did have them replace my testicles with an even bigger set made from smooth, surgical-grade steel.”

Executives at Paramount Pictures, distribution company for Mission: Impossible 5 said that filming would continue without Cruise while he recovers, and that he is expected to return to work by mid-January.