Boston Marathon Bomber Tsarnaev Severely Injured In Prison, May Never Walk Or Talk Again

FORT DEVENS, Massachusetts – Accused Boston Marathon Bomber Severely Injured In Prison, May Never Walk Or Talk Again

Infamous Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, 22, was the victim of an “unfortunate accident” yesterday at Ft. Devens Detention Center in Massachusetts, just a few short months after his high-profile trial and sentencing, according to warden Paul Jacobson.

Corrections officers reportedly found the terror suspect face down in a pool of his own blood in his cell; a banana peel was found on the floor nearby.

“It initially appeared as though Tsarnaev slipped on a discarded banana peel and hit the floor with such force that his head bounced off the hard tile surface, probably 16 or 17 times. There was blood everywhere – all over the walls, the floor, even the toilet. The injuries have caused massive brain trauma,” said prison investigator Joe Goldsmith. “We determined though, through expert analysis, that it would be impossible for these injuries to have occurred through a fall. Our investigation has shown that that it was the Aryan Brotherhood who initiated an attack on Tsarnaev.”

“Yes, it was the brotherhood who took care of that bomber,” said Miles Smith, head of the Aryan Nation inside Devens. “The other gangs, they wanted him, too. We paid the guards the most money to have a shot. They stood aside, and let us do what we do. On the way out, they shook our hands, told us ‘Thank you.’ Well, You’re welcome. You’re welcome, Boston. You’re welcome, America!”

“Normally, an attack this violent, this cruel, on another inmate would get any offending party more time added to their sentence,” said warden Jacobson. “Because of the nature of Tsarnaev’s crimes, though, we have decided to actually reduce the sentences of the Aryan members who were involved. They have done our prison and our country a great service, and we appreciate it immensely. They are heroes in the eyes of not only this institution, but also in the eyes of the people of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.”

Tsarnaev had pled not guilty to all thirty charges filed against him, but was found guilty on all counts in April. He was sentenced to the death penalty per the crimes committed.



Netflix Pulls Plug On Orange Is The New Black; The Reason Why May Shock You


LOS GATOS, California –

In a bizarre turn of events, and just months after renewing the series for a fourth season, Netflix has reportedly announced that the critically acclaimed series Orange is the New Black has been cancelled.

“We regret to inform Netflix members that Orange is the New Black has been permanently cancelled,” said Netflix in a nationally published press release. “Additionally, starting October 1st, 2015, past episodes will no longer be available for streaming on our service. We apologize to fans of the show, but the time has come to say goodbye.”

The news is a shock to fans of the show, which is based on true events described in Piper Kerman’s memoir, Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women’s Prison, written about her experiences during her time in jail. The show was originally renewed for a fourth season in early April, before the third season had even been released.

According to inside sources, a Netflix programming manager insisted to that there be more male leads in the show. When Kohan put her foot down and refused to buy into the idea, Netflix management made known their displeasure with how the show represents women as being strong, forceful, and oftentimes, sexually charged and agressive.

“A woman’s place has always been in the home, in the kitchen, taking care of children, doing laundry, waiting for her man to come home,” said an anonymous source inside the Netflix production team. “Women in jail? Ugh. It’s like we took everything great about OZ, threw that out the window completely, and make this show with the crappy leftovers. There’s only guy one the show, and that is Jason Biggs. Jason Biggs. The guy who screwed a pie in one half-assed comedy 15 years ago. My God, he’s just horrible. How does anyone even watch this show in the first place?”

“There are just way too many damn stereotypes on this show, anyway,” said former writer for the show Jarissa Myers. “They forced us to write sassy Latinas, angry Russians, and bossy blonde bitches on a daily basis. How many times can we really see Taylor Schilling’s character Piper fall in and out of love with someone that is just abysmal for her? The show is just getting bad. It was time to pull the plug anyway.”

According to entertainment lawyer and Empire News correspondent Jeremy Downard, there is no chance for OITNB to take the show to a television network or another streaming service such as Hulu or Amazon Prime, due to the type of contract originally agreed upon between Kerman and Netflix.

Charlie Sheen Praised As Hero After Saving Prized Family Possession From Fire


BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Neighbors of  outspoken, controversial and unpredictable actor Charlie Sheen are calling him a “hero” after he heard a 10-year-old girl crying for her “giraffe” and ran into the neighbors burning bamboo hut and within seconds emerged with little Katie Edenstein’s pygmy giraffe,  a rare miniature giraffe which typically only grows to be five-inches tall.

Paul Edenstein, the girl’s father says he had been grilling shark in the family’s backyard located next door to Sheen on Mulholland Drive in Beverly Hills, and went in the house for a brief period, “I had just throw some shark on the grill and I ran inside, for maybe two minutes to get some seasoned salt, when I came back out, I saw the hut completely engulfed in flames, I ran and grabbed Katie, and was shocked when Charlie came running out from the flames with Bernie, her pet pygmy giraffe.” Edenstein told a reporter from the Beverly Hills Ledger. “It was the craziest sight, imagine seeing that. He is a hero,” the father added.

Sheen, who was later seen at a coffee shop downtown, was stopped by a paparazzo and asked about the incident, “Yeah! A little giraffe, it’s all good, crazy Uncle Charlie was jacked up and raring to go, it’s cool man. I’m glad the little guy is okay, I want one now.” Sheen said before getting in his Bentley and driving away, and coincidentally was pulled over for speeding right afterward. Maxwell Roundtree, the paparazzo rushed up to Sheen’s car to ask why he was pulled over, “Oh, you know, running in and out of flaming bamboo huts with mini giraffes, drinking a lot of coffee, I guess I got jacked up and going too fast as always, it’s all good though bro!” Sheen answered happily.

State Of Florida Passes Law Which Makes Nudity Legal At All Public Beaches



The state of Florida has made a bold change to its laws concerning nudity at public beaches, and this one might ruffle some feathers. Beginning August 1st, full nudity will be legal at all public beaches – as long as you obtain a Florida State Nudity License (FSNL).

Governor Rick Scott approved the bill passed by the state legislature making public nudity at state-owned beaches legal, and he encourages tourists and residents to make use of new law. “Today is a great day. Not only will it be legal to hang out at the beach totally nude, but we encourage you do to so,” Governor Scott said. “As long as you are a fairly attractive person, nobody is going to complain.”

One part of the new law, which may be infuriating to some, is the weight limits for those who may strip down completely. “If you are overweight by more than twenty pounds, you will not be given a license. You will be politely asked to go on a diet and come back at a later date to try again. It really is not that complicated.” Scott said. “We want everyone to enjoy this. Obtaining a license will not be hard for those who meet all of our standards, and it will be a quick and easy process. Residents and guests in the state may visit any of our town halls, where we will have employees trained to record the weight of those wishing to go nude. You will also be asked to submit a picture of your face and genitals. If you’re not too ugly or fat, then they will  issue you a license for a fee of only $10, which will be good for 1 year.”

Residents in several communities have said that they are really torn on the subject.

“On one hand, everyone likes to freeball it once in a while,” said Miami resident Jacob Miller, 58. “On the other hand, my wrinkly penis probably won’t pass the inspection, so I more than likely can’t get a license issued anyway. Thankfully, I live right on the beach, so even if I can’t be nude, I can enjoy all the fine young ladies who will be walking around, muffs exposed.”

Georgia Man Dies After Triggering Booby Trap He Rigged In His Own Home


SAVANNAH, Georgia –

In an extremely gruesome and horrific scene, the body of Ernest Gaylord Michelberger, 67, of Savannah, Georgia was discovered severed in half near the waist earlier this week in his home where he lived alone.

Michelberger’s son, Gunner Michelberger, found his deceased father in a state that Savannah Poilice Department spokesperson Melinda Yarberry described as grotesquely bizarre. “After a thorough investigation of the scene and interviewing family members, cause of death has officially been ruled an accident by way of booby trap,” Yarberry said.

Gunner Michelberger said that his father had grown more and more paranoid over the years because of minorities moving into his neighborhood.

“My Daddy was not a racist, and he surely didn’t raise his kids to be a racist, but the fear of getting the house broken into and being robbed grew stronger and stronger. He bought a bunch of guns and learned how to rig booby traps from some book he had,” the younger Michelberger said.

The contraption constructed by the elder Michelberger consisted of an elaborate system of levers, pullies, and two chainsaws, which had push-button starters installed on them.

Yarberry, who held a small press briefing to discuss and answer questions regarding the towns police activities over the past week, made very adamantly that the death of Mr. Michelberger was a wake up call. “Over the years in the state of Georgia, more and more people are injured by booby traps they’ve created themselves. Installing any kind of booby trap is strictly prohibited by law in the state of Georgia. Things likes this happen when people start getting paranoid,” she said.

Kris Jenner Claims O.J. Simpson Is Kendall Jenner’s Real Father During Emotional Interview

Kris Jenner Claims O.J. Simpson Is Kendall Jenner's Real Father During Emotional Interview

LOS ANGELES, California –

While being interviewed on the entertainment based syndicated radio program ‘Star Power’ on 109.9 WKPC in Los Angeles, superstar reality television mother Kris Jenner, 59, dropped a stunning bombshell on listeners yesterday evening when she publicly announced that O.J. Simpson was Kendall Jenner’s real father.

Simpson’s name came up while discussing the bizarre behavior and impending sex-change of her ex-husband Bruce Jenner. Kris said she had befriended Simpson while her now deceased ex-husband, Robert Kardashian, was defending the former NFL star turned actor in his murder trial.

“Just do the math,” Jenner told talk show host Marcus Hardin. “The trial took place from November 1994 to October 1995. Kendall was born November 3rd of 1995. Robert (Kardashian) and I had been in a good point in our relationship because I knew he needed the support of Kim, Khloe, and myself during such a high-profile trial.”

“Whenever we had the chance we would all meet up for dinner. One night he took us all to meet O.J. while he was in jail, he had a lot of pull there, and they gave us two rooms to privately meet with O.J. so that Robert could speak with him about the case in the other room. Well, Robert being the great guy he was, noticed that O.J. and I had really hit it off and suggested we take some time to speak alone in the other room, and that is when we had sex during a moment of passion. O.J. was sad, depressed and desperate for attention and I had been a big fan of his. It just happened.”

Jenner said that it was something she regrets, mostly because she hates criminals like O.J.

“Bruce and I were not having sex at all, we hadn’t had sex since 1992 in fact. Anyway, I got pregnant with Kendall. I have never told anyone this before, I hope she doesn’t hate me after this.” Jenner stated in a state of uncertainty.


Man Charged With Conspiracy To Commit Murder After Giving Go-Ahead To Hit Man Who Texted Wrong Number

Man Charged With Conspiracy To Commit Murder After Giving Go-Ahead To Hit Man Who Texted Wrong Number

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Carl Delgado, 27, of Chicago has been charged with conspiring to murder after a hit man, 45-year-old Carlos Martinez, accidentally sent a text to his phone instead of its intended recipient with the question “So do you want me to take the bitch out or not, yes or no?” Delgado claims he believed the text to be a prank from a friend and replied, “Yeah, take her out, make sure to give her the special treatment, haha.”

Chicago police say Martinez then abducted and murdered 25-year-old Kaylee Jefferson, also of Chicago. Officers who were patrolling the Near North Side neighborhood spotted Martinez attempting to dump the young woman’s body into Lake Michigan and managed to capture him and retrieve the corpse. As detectives investigated the case, they found the text he had mistakenly sent to Delgado. Officers read the phone number to Martinez and asked about the text, and Martinez told them that it was not the intended phone number. The detectives then declared that Delgado had unknowingly green-lit the hit on Jefferson, but have still charged him with conspiracy to murder because “he shouldn’t have been playing around on the phone.”

Delgado’s lawyer, Carmine Appleseed, says that the charges should be dropped based on the fact that police know he did not know the man or what he was referring to. “Carl thought it was a friend, randomly texting him from an unknown number asking if they should take a girl out, like out on a date, he had no idea of the evil-mindedness intentions of Mr. Martinez.” Appleseed stated.

If convicted Delgado faces a possible sentence of 25 years to life without parole.

Kentucky Basketball Coach John Calipari To Step Down After Season, Admits To Meeting With NBA Teams

Kentucky Basketball Coach John Calipari To Step Down After Season, Admits To Meeting With NBA Teams

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

Head basketball coach of the University of Kentucky John Calipari announced earlier this evening that this will indeed be his last season as the teams coach.

The 55-year-old head coach, who coaches the #1 ranked team in the nation, said that he is tired of trying to live up to the expectations of basketball fans in the state of Kentucky. “Ya know what? I am just sick and tired of winning all the time and it not being enough for our fans. Here in Kentucky it is win or bust. Meaning that if we don’t win it all this season, I have failed. I’m sick of it.” Calipari said.

When asked about the possibility of coaching in the NBA next season, Calipari did admit to meeting with a couple of teams. “Look, Yes I have met with a few NBA teams who are interested in having me coach their teams, but nothing is set in stone. I may take a year off all together and take time enjoying watching the game, something I have never done.”

While the winning coach has been at Kentucky, at the end of each season rumors have come to the surface as he has been a hot commodity in the coaching ranks. He has turned down several offers from NBA teams, something he now regrets.

“It has been great here, but like I said, the fans are a pain in the ass. I should have moved on last year while I had the chance. This won’t be the end of me though, you’ll see me coaching again, if not next season, then the season after that.

Texas Man Sentenced To Death For Cooking Girlfriends Dog, Serving It To Family For Dinner

Texas Man Sentenced To Death For Cooking Girlfriends Dog, Serving It To Family For Dinner

DALLAS, Texas –

Anthony Rojas, 29, of Dallas, Texas has been sentenced to death by the state of Texas for cooking his live-in girlfriends dog, a three-year old Pomeranian named Bugsy, then serving it to the woman and her parents for dinner.

Gloria Martinez, 33, called police on the evening of October 22, 2013 after discovering that Rojas had cooked her beloved dog for dinner. In the official police report, Martinez stated that Rojas had offered to make dinner for her and her parents and had finished their meals and began calling for Bugsy to feed him leftovers. Martinez said that after her parents complimented Rojas on the meal and had left for the evening, that he then told her that he had cooked and served Bugsy for dinner because they had no meat and no money to buy any.

In a lengthy trial, prosecutors persuaded the jury that Rojas had planned to kill the pet, and that the act was indeed, premeditated murder of a loved family member. He was found guilty of first degree murder by the 12 jurors. Sentencing was then handled by Judge Mary Joe Henderson, who just happens to be a dog-loving owner of two Pomeranians of her own. She chastised Rojas during the hearing before sentencing. “Mr. Rojas, you are a coward and a murderer of a beloved family member, I hereby sentence you to death,” the Judge announced. The verdict is the first of its kind in the United States.

Martinez, pleased with the sentence stated that she believes Rojas deserved the death sentence, “Bugsy was my true love and he knew it, he was jealous, so he cooked him and fed him to me without me knowing, and it is sickening” Martinez said. When asked what Bugsy tasted like, Martinez told a reporter from the Dallas Herald that he “tasted like chicken.”



3-Year-Old Boy Runs Into Grandmother’s Burning Apartment Complex, Saves Peppa Pig DVDs

3-Year-Old Boy Runs Into Grandmother's Burning Apartment Complex, Saves Peppa Pig DVD's



Three-Year-Old toddler Kain Harrison of Bunsontown, Indiana is being hailed as a hero after courageously running into a burning Woody Acres apartment complex to wake his 52-year-old grandmother, Sandra Clemens, who was asleep during the blaze.

Witnesses say the boy had been playing outside in the snow, building an igloo with three homeless men, when they noticed smoke pouring from the roof of the building in which he had been staying with his grandmother. Harrison had been staying at the home following his mother’s arrest for possession and intent to distribute heroin inside an elementary school.

Leroy Johnson, 62, one of the homeless men the boy had befriended, said that once everybody saw smoke and flames, they knew it was too late to run inside.

“I been on this here Earth for a long time, longer than I can remember, and I never seen anything like that in my damn life!” Johnson said. “That little Kain, I tell ya that boy is something else, you know like Batman or something. It is not normal. Anyway Lil K-Roo took off running and we just let him go. He ran inside, at this point the flames were flying out the damn windows, so we thought, well he is cooked.”

“Few minutes go by, and then I tell ya, by the grace of the good Lord up in the mountains, here he comes strutting out, an armful of DVDs,” said the other homeless man, Gary Shidder. “For real, he ran in there and got his damned ole Peppa Pig DVDs. That boy is something else, he derserves a Purple Heart or something ya know?” Johnson said as he remained engaged in describing the wild scene.

Police say that Clemens, who was a sound sleeper, was not able to make it out of the apartment, and was killed. The Peppa Pig DVDs were saved, and according to reports, still play fine.

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