LOS ANGELES, California –
Tom Cruise, one of the most prolific A-list actors on the planet, is known almost as much for his bizarre religious beliefs as he is for his star power in action films like Mission:Impossible. But Cruise may be making a turn for the “normal,” as it was announced by his publicist this morning that Cruise was planning on leaving the Church of Scientology.
“Mr. Cruise has decided that he has spent enough money learning the secrets of the Church, and it is time for him to leave,” said Cruise’s agent, Mario Rubio. “Although this will be a difficult step, as the Church of Scientology is a known cult that often threatens people who leave with violence and lawsuits, Mr. Cruise feels he is above the reach of scientology.”
According to the Church, which was created by science-fiction writer L.Ron Hubbard, persons of a high rank in the organization, which Cruise is considered, are never allowed to leave, and sign documents declaring that they will not.
“Tom has a lot of high powered lawyers behind him, and he isn’t worried,” said Rubio. “Really, he just wants to spend a little bit of normal, regular time with his kids, without the Church’s involvement. It’s about time, too, if you ask me. It’s bound to make his next movie an even bigger hit, since there were definitely people who would not see his films due to his insane theories.”
HOLLYWOOD, California –
Startling DNA evidence has revealed that Tom Cruise is the father of at least 300 children. According to sources, these are the offspring of cultish sexual practices done as part of Scientology rituals. This revelation adds more fuel to the ever growing movement against Scientology, which took a hit after a documentary purporting to release it’s secrets went viral.
“They meet in a remote area, where members who have been deemed worthy of the information of the location gather wearing masks,” said expert Tim Menashe. “Announcements are made, and rituals performed, after which a massive orgy takes place.”
Cruise reportedly stumbled upon the assembly after a piano-playing friend of his revealed the location to him at a bar. Cruise had been fighting with then spouse Nicole Kidman, and had gone wandering, finding a costume and arriving late to the gathering. He was then sent upstairs with a prostitute who warned him to leave.
“After much panic and worries of dark conspiracies, Cruise returned to the gathering, where he eventually became a member,” Menashe continued. “It is then that he impregnated tens of women, over and over again, his fertility bringing 300 or more kids into the world.”
Since the report came out, hordes of individuals around America have been rushing to get DNA tests done, in the hopes that they have a chance of being a child of the popular actor.
“The whole thing reminds me of the plot of a movie… I can’t quite remember which one,” Menashe said. “Oh wait – yes, it’s the one with Vince Vaughn. Delivery Man. That’s a funny movie.”