Barack Obama Announces Plans To Get Elected As Italian Prime Minister

Posted on February 25, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FLORENCE, Italy –

Former President Barack Obama has announced his bid to become Italy’s newest Prime Minister. After discovering that Italian law did not dictate that the leader of the country must be a citizen, Obama stated that he had plans that would “directly lead to his election” as Italy’s Prime Minister.

“Italy has had 17 Prime Ministers in almost as many years, and it’s pathetic,” said Obama in a statement to the Italian people via ITV News. “In 8 years, I turned America from a depressed, Bush-era country into the thriving, amazing place it is today. If the Italian people go to the polls and write me in, I can do for your country what I did for mine.”

While there are several candidates currently running for the position, the Italian people are extremely divided on the ballots, and it’s likely that no leader will be chosen in the election. At that point, the existing sitting government can choose any person that the like, even if that person is not a citizen, and/or not a current member of government.

“I’d like to also tell the sitting government that I will work just as hard for the Italians as I did for the Americans,” said Obama. “There is no doubt in my mind that my leadership abilities will outshine anyone else you have running currently.”

Hillary Clinton Undergoes Sex Change Operation So She Has a ‘Better Chance’ At Winning 2020 Election

Posted on June 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hillary Clinton has reportedly began taking hormone injections in preparation for a sex change operation she will have this fall. The change is being performed because Hillary believes that her chances are “exponentially better” of winning the 2020 election if she is a man.

“The reason I lost the election to Donald Trump is because I am not a man,” said Hillary to a rally of nearly 11 people in South Dakota. “If I had a penis, I would have stood a chance. Being a woman has done nothing for me in my career, and it’s time there is a big change made. A big, thick, veiny change.”

Hillary’s doctor, Dr. Marvin Richards, said that he has tried to talk Clinton out of the operation, but with no results.

“She really wants to go through with this. She’s a grown woman with a lot of money, so I won’t stop her,” said Dr. Richards. “She honestly believes that if she becomes a man – even though she’ll still be her when it comes to policies and government and opinions – will help her to become president. If she thinks so, more power to her. Frankly, I think she should just cut her losses now and retire to the beach, but hey – what do I know? I’m just a voter.”

Hillary has already begun the conversion via hormones and other drugs, and the surgery will take place in the fall. She plans to “fully expose” her/his new look come January.

Edward Snowden Says Russian Hackers Rigged U.S. Election For Trump

Posted on November 27, 2016 by skullman

As Reported By World News Daily Report:

Former US National Security Agency contractor Edward Snowden announced this morning that he had “clear evidence” that the 2016 US election was rigged by Russian hackers in favor of Donald Trump.

“I have received confirmation through Guccifer 2.0 that malware was used in the electronic voting machines that lead to the victory of Donald Trump” Snowden told an internet conference in Berlin, speaking via a video link from Russia, where he has been living as a fugitive.

“ We aren’t surprised that the elections were rigged. Instead, we are surprised that they were rigged in favor of Donald Trump.” – Edward Snowden

READ FULL STORY HERE

Teen Commits Suicide After Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURLINGTON, Vermont –

A 19-year-old college student in Vermont has reportedly hung himself in his home after his parents report that he spent two days locked in his room, watching Bernie Sanders videos on YouTube.

“Mario was a good kid, a strong boy, and he was an adamant supporter of Bernie Sanders,” said Mario Lewis’ mother, Mary. “The whole family were very proud to support Sanders, but Mario definitely took it the hardest when Bernie backed Hillary. He was in tears ever since.”

Mary says that her son was a straight-A student throughout high school, had graduated early, and was studying political science at Vermont State College.

“This is the most disturbing thing to happen in my life, and I can’t believe it was all about this stupid election,” said Mary. “I just keep telling myself that he’s in a better place, and that it doesn’t matter that he’s gone now, because come November, we’re all going to be fucked anyway.”

Donald Trump Admits He Was Only Running For President To Get Hillary Elected

Posted on May 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C –

The rumors were true after all. Donald Trump has just admitted that he was a Hillary Clinton plant the whole time.

Many have suspected as much, and liberal trolls on the internet have been saying it for months, but now Donald Trump himself has admitted that he is running as a Republican to ensure Hillary Clinton will win in November. Trump revealed via Twitter that he made a deal with Hillary in 2014; this all unfolding mere days after Trump’s lock on securing the Republican nomination

After Donald Trump made this announcement, campaign manager Gerald Rogers released a press release documenting the entire charade.

“Electing Hillary Clinton, the most disliked Democrat politician in decades, would have been impossible unless she were running against a Republican that was even worse. Although, it couldn’t just be any Republican, it would have to be the absolute worst Republican in the country,” said Rogers. “It would have to be a Republican that was so bad even other Republicans would denounce them. It would have to be someone that would split the party and ensure Hillary could win the White House with only 40% of the vote.”

Trump has said now that he has gained the GOP nomination, though, he will continue to run, because “being president” is something that he says he can “really kick ass” at.

Hillary Clinton Announces Her Plans To Drop From Presidential Race

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton has announced that she will be stepping down from the campaign trail, suspending her plans to become the next President of the United States. The announcement comes after a loss in the New Hampshire primaries earlier this week, to Democrat Bernie Sanders.

“New Hampshire has successfully chosen the president for the last several decades. If you win in New Hampshire, you’ve won the vote,” said Clinton. “I can’t compete with Bernie Sanders, anyway. He has secured the young vote. He has the blacks and the Latinos. He has everyone, and he even has most of the woman vote. He cannot be stopped. Even I’ve started to Feel The Bern.”

“I am glad that she has stepped down. It clears the way for a Sanders victory,” said New Hampshire resident Joe Goldsmith. “I voted for Bernie in the primaries, as did everyone else. Hillary is soulless, and would never have won. Have you looked at her eyes? They’re empty. There’s nothing behind them. It’s like that Stephen King movie The Dead Zone. She’s evil incarnate.”

Hillary Clinton Plans To Make Bill Clinton Her Running Mate If She Wins In Primary

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Although he has already served a full two terms as president, nothing is stopping Hillary Clinton from making her husband, Bill Cinton, her vice-presidential running mate should she win during the primary elections; an act she says she is planning on doing.

“Bill has already been there, and he’s already seen what a presidential seat can do to a person, and there is no one better to join me at my side, and in my cabinet, than him,” said Hillary Clinton. “I am officially planning to recognize my husband, Bill, as my running mate if I am to take the primaries.”

Members of Congress say that there is no reason that Bill Clinton cannot serve as vice president, but there are issues were something to happen to Hillary if she were elected, such as a death, or a scandal or other measure that forces her to resign.

“If she were to be elected with Bill Clinton as her vice president, we are unsure, at this time, if he would be able to take over the roll of president as would normally be the case,” said congressional member Richard Doorer (R-Iowa). “As he has already fulfilled his duty as president, and completed two full terms, he is not eligible to run again, but that doesn’t necessarily negate that he could be president again in that sort of situation. We’ll take it as it comes, if it does indeed arise.”

According to an anonymous source inside the Clinton campaign, the entire race has just been one big ploy to get Bill Clinton back into the oval office, with Hillary planning on winning, and immediately stepping down, allowing for her husband to take over.

Bill Murray Condemned By Religious-Right After Publicly Denouncing God

Posted on January 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Across America, the anti-Bill Murray campaign can be heard in sermons and seen on signs outside of churches. Various Christian groups have said they will not be supporting Murray in the 2016 Presidential Election, which Murray entered last week, and they urge others to follow.

Murray has been clear with reporters on his religious views. “Religion is the worst enemy of mankind. People can believe whatever they choose to believe, but it does not belong in politics. It imprisons your mind. Religion creates hate, racism, bigotry and keeps you from your true potential in life. No single war in the history of humanity has killed as many people as religion has.”

Murray says he expected not to be backed by religious groups. “I imagine I probably won’t be too popular with the Christian vote in this country, but I’m fine with that.”

Still Murray has a small but vocal following who says he does not need the support of the religious right in the election. Paul Horner, a spokesman for the campaign says,“He’s a living legend and is exactly what America needs right now.”

Vivid Entertainment Offers Ben Carson $250,000 To Star In Adult Video Series

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Vivid Entertainment, the adult film company responsible for pioneering celebrity sex tapes and porn parodies, has reportedly offered current presidential candidate Ben Carson $250,000 to star in a series of pornographic films.

Vivid, who have released tapes starring Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton among many others, is looking to capitalize on Carson’s current celebrity status as a mumbling Republican presidential candidate, who was previously known best as a surgeon who separated siamese twins. Carson has surged in the polls lately despite his seemingly inept concept of politics, something that Vivid has says will actually be incorporated into the storyline of the films.

Founder of Vivid, Steven Hirsch, says that if Carson agrees to star in the series, they will create three adult films that tell the story of his life. The first, to be titled Carson: The Teen Years would chronicle Carson’s sexual escapades as a mumbling teen prior to his career in medicine. The second film in the series, titled Carson: Mumble On My Dick would take place over the eight-year period of his medical school and immediately following. The final film, titled Carson: Sleeping The Election Away would feature Carson as he is today, boring and banal.

“All the films will feature known adult film stars, including Vivid favorites Hanna Hilton and Kayden Kross, as well as some of our other Vivid Girls,” Said Hirsch in a pitch sent to representatives for Carson. “The story of Ben Carson’s life is big news, and we want to not only tell his story, but we want to tell it with some really great T&A.”

Hirsch seemed to think that a venture into the adult industry could be exactly what Carson needs to “put a happier face” onto his campaign.

“This whole thing, it looks bad to everyone, anyone who follows politics. As any country looking in at us, it makes us look horrible for even considering him,” Said Hirsch. “We want to help the Ben, and to pay some respect to a guy who’s been through a lot. So, we’ve already got the writer working on the scripts. He started this morning, so he should be done by lunchtime. These are movies we are dying to make, and Carson would be a fool not to get in bed with us. Literally.”

Representatives for Ben Carson have said they are pushing for him to accept the offer, but so far he has not agreed to participate.

Michelle Obama Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hot on the heels of an announcement from former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, First Lady Michelle Obama today launched an exploratory committee to consider a Democratic presidential campaign in 2016. This first step could fill the field with women candidates, including Hillary Clinton and ultra-liberal Elizabeth Warren.

“After talking to Barack and the girls, I feel running for President is the right thing to do,” said Michelle Obama. “My years in the White House have given me insight on how the government works. While Hillary would play centrist, and Ms. Warren plays far left, plus Sarah Palin, who barely can play at all, I will split the middle, perfect playing both sides.”

When asked whether or not she would simply follow her husband’s path and policies if elected, Michelle Obama answered that she appreciated what he has done for the country, and that he would be a ‘great advisor’ to her.

“Years of watching my husband have taught me the secret of being a great politician: agree with everybody, then do what you want afterwards. Barack got as far as he did by calling those who didn’t agree with his policies a racist, so think how far I can get calling them a racist and a sexist. My slogan will be ‘Let’s Finish Transforming America,’ because Barack didn’t have time to complete our vision for the country. A vote for me will get the job done right. No more privately owned business, no more free press, no more individual landowners, no more guns, no more freedom of speech, and no more God, unless his name is Muhammad.”

“With me as First Man helping her out, there’s no reason why we won’t finish the job I started,” said President Obama. “Plus that’s at least four more years of using Air Force One to get to my golf outings, which would be nice.”

“ Huh, she said what?” Senator Ted Cruz,” How do you like me now America, I’m suddenly the sane one. Vote for me and I’ll give you more business, more guns, more God and more freedom.”