WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In what seems like a story straight out of the mind of a political satirist, Senators Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are reportedly engaged in a “very torrid love affair,” according to insiders.
In emails possibly more damaging to Clinton than Bengazi, a series of love letters, sexual fantasies, and nude selfies were leaked to the internet on Tuesday morning, reportedly exchanged between Clinton and Sanders. Although the two have become bitter rivals on the campaign trail, the emails show that most of what happens on stage and on TV during the race is mostly for show.
“I’m so glad to feel your ‘bern,'” said one email sent by Clinton to Sanders, along with a nude picture taken in a full-length mirror. “Bill has been looking past me for months. I needed someone to come along like you who can fulfill all my real needs. Can’t wait to see you out there, baby.”
There were multiple responses from Sanders as well, most of them filled with too many sexual expletives for printing.
Both candidates have denied any wrongdoing, and say that there is decidedly no “affair” happening between them. The emails were reportedly leaked by a Sanders staffer who used a laptop with the account left open by Sanders himself.
COLUMBIA, South Carolina –
Mark Jacobs, 27, was found dead in the front yard of his home yesterday, after police say he burned himself alive over Donald Trump’s win in the primaries.
According to a post left on Jacobs’ Facebook page Saturday afternoon, he was “extremely distraught” over the fact that Trump was leading in the elections, and that he “didn’t want to live on this planet anymore.”
“If I have to live in a world where Donald Trump is not only winning elections, but also has an extremely good shot of becoming our next president, I don’t even want to be alive,” said the Facebook post. “It’s absurd and insane that anyone with a rational, thinking brain would vote for him, and it’s time I sacrifice myself to show the world how horrible of a decision voting in Trump would be.”
According to police, Jacobs covered himself in Bernie Sanders bumper stickers and flyers, dumped a gallon of gasoline over himself, and lit a match.
“The fire was super intense,” said Mary Lambert, a neighbor. “I started smelling something burning, and then I saw the flames through my living room window. I ran outside, and I saw poor Mark all ablaze. It’s sad that he had to die to show the world how horrible Trump really is. I guess, though, that no one is ‘feeling the Bern’ like Mark.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Hillary Clinton has reportedly trademarked the popular Feel The Bern phrase that has spread like wildfire throughout the internet in support of senator Bernie Sanders. The Clinton campaign now claims that it will start legal proceedings against Sanders if he doesn’t stop using it to promote himself.
“We have that term trademarked, and we plan to enforce the mark now that it has been granted,” said Clinton. “If Senator Sanders continues to use it on his marketing materials, signs, and in internet postings, than we will be forced to file suit against him.”
According to the Clinton campaign, they plan to also consider suing individuals on the internet who make posts using the saying, even if it is in hashtag form.
“I have hired a team of people to google the term each day, and to anyone who has used it since the mark was granted, we will send a cease and desist,” said Clinton. “If they do not, then we will file suit against them as well.”
KEENE, New Hampshire –
A group of college students at Keene State College in New Hampshire have all recently been treated in local hospitals for Chlamydia and a host of other STDs after a recent political rally in support of Bernie Sanders turned into a full-blown orgy.
“Everything started innocently enough. We were meeting to help figure out ways to support candidate Sanders, and things were going well,” said rally leader Joe Goldsmith. “After a few hours and a lot of drinks, one thing lead to another, and soon all 32 of us had our clothes off, and well, you know what happened.”
According to doctors at Keene Memorial Hospital, all 32 of the involved students contracted various STDs, including chlamydia and genital warts.
“This is what happens when young people get together and try to change the world,” said Dr. Myles Kennefic. “They lose their focus, and everyone gets fucked. This is what the world is coming to. That’s why I’m voting Trump.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton has announced that she will be stepping down from the campaign trail, suspending her plans to become the next President of the United States. The announcement comes after a loss in the New Hampshire primaries earlier this week, to Democrat Bernie Sanders.
“New Hampshire has successfully chosen the president for the last several decades. If you win in New Hampshire, you’ve won the vote,” said Clinton. “I can’t compete with Bernie Sanders, anyway. He has secured the young vote. He has the blacks and the Latinos. He has everyone, and he even has most of the woman vote. He cannot be stopped. Even I’ve started to Feel The Bern.”
“I am glad that she has stepped down. It clears the way for a Sanders victory,” said New Hampshire resident Joe Goldsmith. “I voted for Bernie in the primaries, as did everyone else. Hillary is soulless, and would never have won. Have you looked at her eyes? They’re empty. There’s nothing behind them. It’s like that Stephen King movie The Dead Zone. She’s evil incarnate.”