Hillary Clinton Trademarks ‘Feel The Bern,’ Sues Bernie Sanders To Stop Use

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Hillary Clinton Caught In Love Affair With White House Staff Member

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hillary Clinton has reportedly trademarked the popular Feel The Bern phrase that has spread like wildfire throughout the internet in support of senator Bernie Sanders. The Clinton campaign now claims that it will start legal proceedings against Sanders if he doesn’t stop using it to promote himself.

“We have that term trademarked, and we plan to enforce the mark now that it has been granted,” said Clinton. “If Senator Sanders continues to use it on his marketing materials, signs, and in internet postings, than we will be forced to file suit against him.”

According to the Clinton campaign, they plan to also consider suing individuals on the internet who make posts using the saying, even if it is in hashtag form.

“I have hired a team of people to google the term each day, and to anyone who has used it since the mark was granted, we will send a cease and desist,” said Clinton. “If they do not, then we will file suit against them as well.”

Revealed: Pepsi Actually Produced by Coca-Cola to Make Themselves ‘Look Good’

Revealed: Pepsi Actually Produced by Coca Cola to Make Themselves 'Look Good'

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Shocking news emerging from the refreshment industry. Coca Cola has revealed that Pepsi is their own “reinvention,” brought from obscurity in order to make their product look better in comparison. According to Coca Cola Company CEO, Muhtar Kent, the venture was meant to be a short-lived marketing ploy, but surprised executives and investors alike when it gained popularity among portions of the population.

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“We created a cheap imitation of our most popular product and used the existing PepsiCo which we had bought as its vehicle,” Kent told a press conference. “It was specifically designed to be palatable, but not nearly as tasty – the sort of drink you only buy because it’s cheaper. But we kept prices relatively equal and, although it succeeded at creating further brand loyalty among our customers, Pepsi gathered its own following. So we kept and expanded it.”

The revelation was made after rumors began circling that Coca Cola was unfairly treating Pepsi, and had stolen recipes along with some of their best inventors. The rumors were false, but had cast a shadow over the integrity of the company. They felt they needed to put them to rest, and end decades long speculation of Coca Cola being the industry bully.

“It’s unfortunate that the facade had to end, because a lot of people rely on both Coca Cola and Pepsi to fulfil that need for beverage preference competition,” Kent continued. “But investors were worried that the inferior product might become more popular by virtue of the bad reputation we were getting, and we didn’t want to be second best to what amounts to liquidized crap.”

Analyst Robbie Martin says that, although the secret is out, brand loyalty will still remain.

“People need to fight about everything. Why compete over soda anyway? It’s not like you made it. So people will still defend the Pepsi brand, even though Coca Cola makes it taste like piss.”

Kellogg’s To Change Name Of Rice Krispies In Lieu Of Ray Rice Controversy

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan – Kellogg's Company Changes Name Of Rice Krispies In Lieu Of Ray Rice Controversy

It seems that everyone is talking about football player Ray Rice’s scandal after video footage of the NFL football star knocking out his then fiancée was released to the public last week. Today the Kellogg’s brand, who makes the cereal Rice Krispies (the iconic cereal released in 1928) and Rice Krispies Treats (released in 1995) announced that the topic has become so talked about in the media, that it has affected the sales of the cereal. The company has ultimately decided that drop the word “Rice” from their name.

Kellogg’s spokesperson Lesley Davidson told the Associated Press this morning that due to the drastic decline in sales they will be changing the name of the cereal to Kracklin’ Krispies, the treats will be named Kracklin’ Krispies Treats.

“Marketing is a funny thing. We know that it seems a bit ridiculous that the Ray Rice story would affect a brand of cereal, but it has. People relate words to either negative or positive images in the back of their subconscious minds,” said Davidson. “Think of how Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC when the word “fried” starting having all sorts of negative connotations in a health-concious market. This is very similar. Sales in the past week have shown a dramatic drop-off in purchases of Rice Krispies and Rice Krispies Treats because of the Ray Rice Scandal. Marketing experts have it down to a science and it has been proven that certain words and names of products will trigger an impulse to buy or not to buy a product. An immediate change was deemed necessary, so our board of trustees voted on a name change.”

While serving what was a two-game suspension handed down by National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, Rice was released by the Baltimore Ravens on September 8, 2014 after the public release of video of the brutal assault on his then-fiancée, who is now his wife. The surveillance video from the elevator they were in shows Rice punching and knocking her out, then dragging her limp body out of the elevator. After the video was released, the NFL announced that Rice would suspended indefinitely. The Ravens then pulled all merchandise bearing his name off shelves, and his former high school, Rochelle High School in New York removed his jersey and pictures from various display cases throughout the school. Rutgers University, where he played college football, has since done the same.

When asked if the name change of the cereal was permanent, Davidson stated that it would remain effective for the foreseeable future. “We will cross that bridge when we get to it. If at some point the American public stops thinking of the word rice in a negative way, we may consider it, but for now a new marketing campaign for Kracklin Krispies is being launched at full force,” he responded.

Ray Rice has been losing endorsement deals since the scandal hit. He was previously endorsed by the Otis elevator company, for whom he had appeared in live in person via presentation to large, and up and coming corporations and companies. Earlier this week he was dropped as their spokesperson. It has also been stated that legendary NFL and former San Francisco Forty-Niners great Jerry Rice is considering legally changing his name to just “Jerry.”

Other companies and products, including Uncle Ben’s White Rice and Rice-a-Roni, are also considering name changes to distance themselves from any controversy.

 

 

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