Revealed: Pepsi Actually Produced by Coca-Cola to Make Themselves ‘Look Good’

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Josh Marcus

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Shocking news emerging from the refreshment industry. Coca Cola has revealed that Pepsi is their own “reinvention,” brought from obscurity in order to make their product look better in comparison. According to Coca Cola Company CEO, Muhtar Kent, the venture was meant to be a short-lived marketing ploy, but surprised executives and investors alike when it gained popularity among portions of the population.

“We created a cheap imitation of our most popular product and used the existing PepsiCo which we had bought as its vehicle,” Kent told a press conference. “It was specifically designed to be palatable, but not nearly as tasty – the sort of drink you only buy because it’s cheaper. But we kept prices relatively equal and, although it succeeded at creating further brand loyalty among our customers, Pepsi gathered its own following. So we kept and expanded it.”

The revelation was made after rumors began circling that Coca Cola was unfairly treating Pepsi, and had stolen recipes along with some of their best inventors. The rumors were false, but had cast a shadow over the integrity of the company. They felt they needed to put them to rest, and end decades long speculation of Coca Cola being the industry bully.

“It’s unfortunate that the facade had to end, because a lot of people rely on both Coca Cola and Pepsi to fulfil that need for beverage preference competition,” Kent continued. “But investors were worried that the inferior product might become more popular by virtue of the bad reputation we were getting, and we didn’t want to be second best to what amounts to liquidized crap.”

Analyst Robbie Martin says that, although the secret is out, brand loyalty will still remain.

“People need to fight about everything. Why compete over soda anyway? It’s not like you made it. So people will still defend the Pepsi brand, even though Coca Cola makes it taste like piss.”

McDonald’s CEO Confirms Meat Comes From Large Mutant Cow Blobs

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s CEO, Donald Thompson, may be retiring in March, but he is making sure that he’ll go out with a bang. The 51 year old has been working for the fast food chain for 25 years, and has seen it through many disparaging rumors and urban legends. However, in a first, he has admitted truth to one of the old stories – that McDonald’s beef comes from mutant cows.

“The cow – if you can call it that – is created in laboratories in Japan,” Thompson said at a farewell event. “It is hairless, limbless, deaf and blind. In other words, it does not contain any inedible material. It is simply a large, living meatball.”

The crowds who had come to see the celebrated businessman off gasped in horror at the images projected on a screen behind Thompson.

“It was a monster,” said one traumatised attendee. “At first it looked kinda delicious, but then I saw it was breathing. It started moving around and I just screamed. I don’t know if I can ever eat meat again.”

While the news may be off putting for some, the meat industry is frantic, with slaughterhouses scrambling in an attempt to get McDonald’s to share the process.

“This will change food forever,” said a Meat Inc employee on condition of anonymity. “The prices will go down, the quality will go up – as there’ll be only pure ‘beef’. And we’ll sell more than ever. Also, if we market it right, we may get PETA off our backs. Killing these monstrosities is surely better than killing cows, right?”

PETA spokesperson, Haydi Mansoon, disagreed with the source’s sentiments. “They’re bringing these creatures into the world which no one wants to see,” she said. “People will have even less sympathy for animals. Yes, there’ll be less cows killed. And yes, these beings probably are not conscious in the way humans and other animals are. But if we don’t protest this cause, soon we’ll have nothing left to live for.”

Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, ‘Only 47 Deaths This Year’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHFIELD, Minnesota –

Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly spoke to the press this morning about the company’s huge Black Friday numbers, and how 2014 turned out to be one of the best the company has seen in years.

“We had so many great deals this year,” said Joly, beginning his speech. “We had sales on all the hottest electronics, and we even had a 50″ TV with a better price than Wal-Mart had. It was just a wonderful day, and we are very thankful that our over 140,000 employees generously gave up their Thanksgiving holiday with families to come to work and shill for our items.”

Joly said that throughout the company’s almost 1200 stores, they were able to get almost everyone the product they were looking for, and at an unbeatable price.

“Thankfully, we had a pretty full warehouse leading into this season,” said Joly. “We had almost enough TVs, computers, and iPads for everyone. We only had 47 deaths this year, which is down from the 60-plus we’ve seen in previous years. All these people, all those crowds, all the trampling and fisticuffs, things are bound to happen sometimes.”

Generally speaking, there are fights, violence, and crowds so large that people are trampled, and often injured or killed, every year during Black Friday sales events. Joly says that it’s just ‘part of doing business,’ and one of the things that makes Black Friday exciting for the customers is the fact that they could not make it home.

“Places like Wal-Mart, they do a one-hour guarantee now, so you can be first in line or 2,000th in line, but if you’re there in the first hour, you’ll be getting your product. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get it at the sale price, and they’ll ship it,” said Joly. “We’re big, but we’re not Wal-Mart big, so stores like us, Target, K-Mart, Sears – we get to police our customers on our own. Just like the real police, though, we can’t always control the riots that ensue.”

Joly said that next year, they’re shooting to only have 20-30 deaths, and by 2020, they should be down to less than five.

“I don’t see it ever reaching zero deaths. I mean, even if the customers all behaved rationally and like normal people, we still expect at least 2 or 3 employees to die off from overwork,” said Joly. “Not that I ever have done it myself, but I imagine those 15-20 hour Black Friday shifts are horrible!”

Starbucks CEO To Divide Up His $8M Christmas Bonus Among Minimum Wage Employees

Posted on November 21, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

If you notice an extra pep in the smile or step of your local Starbucks cashier this holiday season, now you’ll know why. The CEO has announced today that he will be splitting his stupidly ridiculous $8 million dollar Christmas bonus up between all the minimum wage employees currently working for the major coffee chain.

CEO Howard Schultz has said that he has decided to give away his bonus to keep morale up during a hectic holiday season, and to help continue the good feeling customers get when coming into Starbucks.

“I want my employees happy. Happy employees equal happy customers,” said Schultz. “I’d love to keep the money myself, I’m only human, but that would be greedy. I don’t need the money, I make almost $30 million dollars a year, which amounts to over $14,000 an hour. These people are making less than $9 an hour. We where in a meeting, thinking of different ways to reward our employees for their hard work, and the little pay they make, when someone tossed me this idea. I laughed at first, but then I gave it some thought.”

Schultz said that after figuring his personal budget, and whether or not he could live without the extra $8 million on top of his regular salary, he decided that he would divide his bonus equally among all his employees.

“What the hell, you only live once or twice, give-or-take,” said Schultz. “This extra money will mean more to my employees than it can to me. Hell, I wasn’t going to spend $8 million on Christmas presents, anyway. I certainly don’t want to be one of the highest paid CEOs in the country, and be thought of as some sort of Christmas Scrooge. I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday, and I want to thank them all for being Starbucks baristas.”

The bonus, which when divided equally among all the employees will be around $50, and will be issued to employees in the form of a Starbucks branded pre-paid Visa.