Amazon Breaking Into Alcohol Sales Using New Dash Button

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SEATTLE, Washington – 

Amazon’s one-click Dash program will soon be expanding, including an option to order Pabst Blue Ribbon. The retail giant will be adding “dozens of new brands” to the service, which already offers a wide range of items from toilet paper and diapers to drinks and pet food.

Introduced last March, the Dash button was designed to offer faster, simpler ordering for members of its $99-per year Amazon Prime service. As opposed to opening up Amazon on a computer or phone, users would order a Dash button and then simply press it to reorder that particular item. In the year since the company first announced the product, Dash has grown to include over 100 brands. To celebrate the product’s one year anniversary the company in March added several big names. Among them: Brawny, Charmin, Clorox, Doritos, Energizer, Lysol, Peet’s Coffee, Playtex, Purina, Red Bull, Starbucks, Trojan, and Vitamin Water.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is particularly excited about the new beer option. “Dash for Pabst Blue Ribbon is going to save lives, especially in areas with same day delivery. No longer will alcoholics have to drive to the liquor store. They’ll order discounted cases from us, and when they’re getting low, all they need to do is hit a button.”

Netflix To Raise Pricing This Summer; Most Plans To Begin At $25 Per Month

Netflix Files For Bankruptcy, Claims They Can't Compete With Piracy 'Industry'

SAN FRANSISCO, California – 

Netflix, which has long since become most people’s go-to source for home entertainment, says that they will be launching a price increase this summer, battling rival companies such as Hulu and Amazon, as well as cable providers for rich, new content.

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“The problem that we’re facing is that we’re sinking hundreds of millions of dollars into buying some of these movies and TV series, and we’re just not bringing in new subscribers fast enough,” said Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix. “When you spend millions of dollars to bring shit like Friends to Netflix, you hope that someone wants to watch it – then you remember it’s one of the worst shows to have ever been on television, and you realize that people aren’t rushing out in droves to spend money on nostalgia.”

The nostalgia comment has proven to be especially true lately, as ratings on Netflix for their shows bringing back 90s sitcoms, such as Fuller House have proven to be abysmal.

“We really wanted Fuller House to be the reason that people signed up for Netflix again, or came to us for the first time,” said Hastings. “We didn’t realize that, in the end, people just don’t care about Bob Saget. Thank God we still have House of Cards to fall back on.”

Hastings says that the company plans to have several tiers for streaming, much like now, but that the prices will fall “somewhere closer to $30” per account.

Walmart Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy After Closing 100 Stores, Laying Off 10k Employees

walmart

BETONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Walmart Stores, Inc. has reportedly filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy as of the first of January, after announcing that they would be closing over 100 stores nationwide, with over 10,000 employees being laid off. The bankruptcy comes as the company, the world’s largest employer, has steadily lost sales over the years to online retailers like Amazon.

“We can’t compete with Amazon, we’re not even close to their pricing on nearly anything,” said Walmart spokesman George Glass. “These online stores, they’re killing us. I work for the world’s largest company, and I only made $92,000 last year. How am I supposed to feed my family on that? We have filed for bankruptcy in hopes of restructuring the company and regaining the stranglehold – excuse me, I mean foothold – that we’ve had in the marketplace for the last 4 decades.”

Walmart employees say that they are the ones who are going to be hardest hit by this restructuring, which will more than likely include closing of several hundred more stores, leaving thousands more out of work.

“It’s just like when I worked for Ames. Then I worked for Circuit City. Then RadioShack. All these companies are becoming more and more obsolete every day,” said Walmart store manager Phil Angel. “At this point, I think the only thing really to do would be go and work at Amazon. Give it another 5 years, and there won’t be physical stores anymore for anything. Shit, I even do my grocery shopping on Amazon, and I work in a Walmart store with a grocery department – Amazon has better deals, even with my 6% employee discount!”

‘Clock Kid’ Becomes Biggest Selling Halloween Costume Of All Time

clock kid

DALLAS, Texas – 

The ‘clock kid’ look has just become the most sought-after and biggest selling Halloween costume of all time, selling 29.7 million times on Amazon in the last 48 hours, according to reports.

“We can’t believe how many costumes we sold,” said costume designer Jim Meyer of Costume Company, Inc. “It’s staggering. I’m not sure how we will even make all the suitcase bombs…er, I mean ‘clocks,’ in time for the holiday.”

Clock Kid, which is based on a recent major headline involving a scam artist teen who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school, was originally slated to be banned by most online retailers, after a couple people started a petition, calling it “racist.” More proof that money talks, though, when it comes to major companies, the rapid sales changed the minds of Amazon, and others.

“Oh, we definitely want it to be available, no matter how racist it is, or isn’t, depending on how you look at it,” said Amazon spokesman Rett Tyler. “I mean, I’m not offended by it, so I couldn’t possibly care less. We’ve sold approximately a half a billion dollars worth of this costume in the last couple days. There are going to be a ton of Clock Kids coming to your door for candy this Halloween.”

According to HalloweenWatch.edu, ‘Clock Kid’ may hold the world record for biggest-selling costume of all time. It has reportedly already passed ghost, witch, and cowboy in children’s costumes, as well as sexy nurse, sexy maid, and sexy schoolgirl in the adult costume world.

“If this stays huge into next Halloween, we’ll also be releasing a ‘sexy clock kid’ version of the costume as well,” said Meyer. “This is a damn goldmine.”

There is no word from Clock Kid himself, Ahmed Mohammed, on how he feels about the costume, although more than likely, he and his family are just upset that they are entitled to any royalties.

10 Reasons You Need to Buy the New Amazon Dash

10 Reasons You Need to Buy the New Amazon Dash

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

When Amazon released their new product last week, many thought it was an early April Fool’s joke. The Amazon Dash is a tangible version of their online, One-Click purchase capability. Simply press the button and household items will automatically be reordered.

But the Amazon Dash may actually prove useful in the long run. Here are 10 reasons you may consider making it part of your household:

  1. No more time spent considering whether or not you really need new toilet tissue.
  2. Teaches children that a new gadget can actually be really unexciting.
  3. Gives you something to do on the toilet besides playing Candy Crush.
  4. Allows paralysed individuals who can only use their fingers to experience the joys of shopping like everyone else.
  5. We all need a bit more Amazon in our lives.
  6. When Amazon finally uses drones for everything, can create a fun family game of pressing the button and shooting down your delivery.
  7. Pets can be further anthropomorphised by learning to order their own food.
  8. Machines can be further anthropomorphised by ordering own refills, bringing us ever closer to the glory days of robot domination.
  9. Lord it over friends who have to press “A” in their URL line, wait until Amazon.com is autofilled, press enter, and only then order their products.
  10. Archeologists in the future will find them attached to our walls, and understand that the second ice age was actually good in some ways.

There are plenty of people who say that the device is a “waste of money,” but rumors exist that those people are “firmly grasped in reality,” and their opinion should be taken with a grain of salt.

Amazon Unveils ‘Amazon Crime’ Service, Offers Black Market Products at All-Time Low Prices

Amazon Unveils 'Amazon Crime' Service, Offers Black Market Products at All-Time Low Prices

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Amazon’s newest innovation is set to open its doors next month. Meet “Amazon Crime,” a service that provides much needed mediation for black market products and exchanges.

“The problem with the black market is that you have no security. You don’t know if you’re getting the drugs or weapons people say you are, and on the other side you don’t know if your buyer is going to pay you or shank you,” Amazon’s CEO explained in an interview. “Amazon Crime fixes that.”

Early previews of the platform are promising. Some features from Amazon’s existing marketplace will make their way into the service in the future, for example assassinations fulfilled by Amazon, free two-day shipping on human trafficking, and more.

“By providing a central, secure place for illegal activity, we hope to bring these products and services to the common middle-class family – not just impoverished people, neglected inner city children, and so forth,” an Amazon representative said in a press conference.

Many criminals have expressed their excitement for this platform, finally able to reach a global audience with their products and services.

“I feel like I’ll finally be able to start my career instead of just doing odd jobs here and there,” Trevor, a 24-year-old aspiring bank robber, shared with us.

Some of the more interesting categories expected to appear on the site include: prostitution, money laundering services, stolen government files, web attack bots, and chemicals. Amazon is also expecting to push out a new device, the Amazon Swindle, which is a combined criminal manual and pocket device to help the average user secure money from stolen credit cards.

According to the CEO, Amazon’s biggest challenge has been finding reliable suppliers. They have posted a number of job openings on their main website to recruit informants, writers, and other employees to help establish a unique but wholesome experience.

Amazon To Begin Selling Marijuana, Methamphetamine Through Online Store

Amazon To Begin Selling Marijuana, Methamphetamine Through Online Store

 

SEATTLE, Washington –

Amazon.com, America’s largest online marketplace, announced plans to begin selling marijuana and Methamphetamine to states where the drugs are legal. Shares of Amazon rose 15% on the news, and analysts predict this will be a huge income opportunity for Amazon.

”We are going to test marijuana sales in Colorado starting immediately. The good news is all marijuana sales will be prime eligible, so you will only have to wait two days for your pot,” said Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. “Our research shows most pot users don’t like leaving their houses, so having it delivered right to their doorstep will be a big selling point. We are also offering our own line of Methamphetamine that will be called ‘Amazon Highs’. ‘ Amazon Highs’ will be just under the illegal dosage, making them sellable in all states. The pot and the ‘Amazon Highs’ should be big sellers with the young people, so we are looking forward to huge profits.” 

“Not leaving my house for drugs, getting high legally…Shit, I love living in Colorado,” said town stoner Matt Kelly. ”Amazon is the best. I mean it’s a big corporation so I should hate it, but how can I hate a business that brings me my drugs?” 

Not to be outdone in the drug-delivery game, Dominos Pizza has announced that they, too, are looking into selling marijuana with their other products, promising a 30-minute guaranteed delivery. Chuck Edwards, regional manager of Dominos says, “It makes perfect sense, because our pizza tastes better when you’re stoned. Our research shows that stoners don’t think far enough in advance to order their pot two days prior to needing it, so the 30 minute guarantee will have the kids calling us instead of Amazon.”

Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, ‘Only 47 Deaths This Year’

RICHFIELD, Minnesota – Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, 'Only 47 Deaths This Year'

Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly spoke to the press this morning about the company’s huge Black Friday numbers, and how 2014 turned out to be one of the best the company has seen in years.

“We had so many great deals this year,” said Joly, beginning his speech. “We had sales on all the hottest electronics, and we even had a 50″ TV with a better price than Wal-Mart had. It was just a wonderful day, and we are very thankful that our over 140,000 employees generously gave up their Thanksgiving holiday with families to come to work and shill for our items.”

Joly said that throughout the company’s almost 1200 stores, they were able to get almost everyone the product they were looking for, and at an unbeatable price.

“Thankfully, we had a pretty full warehouse leading into this season,” said Joly. “We had almost enough TVs, computers, and iPads for everyone. We only had 47 deaths this year, which is down from the 60-plus we’ve seen in previous years. All these people, all those crowds, all the trampling and fisticuffs, things are bound to happen sometimes.”

Generally speaking, there are fights, violence, and crowds so large that people are trampled, and often injured or killed, every year during Black Friday sales events. Joly says that it’s just ‘part of doing business,’ and one of the things that makes Black Friday exciting for the customers is the fact that they could not make it home.

“Places like Wal-Mart, they do a one-hour guarantee now, so you can be first in line or 2,000th in line, but if you’re there in the first hour, you’ll be getting your product. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get it at the sale price, and they’ll ship it,” said Joly. “We’re big, but we’re not Wal-Mart big, so stores like us, Target, K-Mart, Sears – we get to police our customers on our own. Just like the real police, though, we can’t always control the riots that ensue.”

Joly said that next year, they’re shooting to only have 20-30 deaths, and by 2020, they should be down to less than five.

“I don’t see it ever reaching zero deaths. I mean, even if the customers all behaved rationally and like normal people, we still expect at least 2 or 3 employees to die off from overwork,” said Joly. “Not that I ever have done it myself, but I imagine those 15-20 hour Black Friday shifts are horrible!”

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