LOS ANGELES, California – 

The premium lager brewing company Pabst, best know for their Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, announced this morning that after 170 years in business, the company would be closing their factories, and selling their assets to Anheuser-Busch.

Since 1844, Pabst Brewing Company has been providing people their delightful medium bodied American style lager, and many beer lovers are saddened and confused by the sudden announcement.

“It has been a couple years since I’ve had a Pabst Blue Ribbon, but I never though they’d go anywhere, either,” said Marriott College senior Joe Goldsmith. “I guess I should lay off the good beer for a bit, and get some PBR before it’s gone forever.”

“After 170 years of beer business, the name and its associations have far exceeded what anyone ever would have expected it to, but times have changed dramatically,” said brew master Aaron Silver. “We honestly thought that this new hipster movement thing would really help boost sales, because hipsters seem to enjoy horrible beers. We were huge in the 70s and 80s, thanks to college drinking taking a massive spike after movies like Animal House came out. Now, though, college kids aren’t binge drinking as often, and when they are, they’re choosing higher-end beers and liquor. We can’t compete with the Sam Adams and Guinesses of the world, and our sales are proof that even legacy can die.”

Anheuser-Busch is said to be acquiring Pabst for only about $62,000, plus 43 cases of Bud Light. The company says that they were initially hoping to continue releasing PBR in its traditional can and original recipe, but licensing issues are forcing changes. Instead, plans to develop what they are calling Pabst Turquoise Ribbon are currently underway, and the new beer should begin hitting shelves next fall.