New Implant Can Alert You Via Text Message When Your Spouse Is Cheating

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implant

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A new microchip developed by NASA researchers will soon be released to market, which will allow people to keep tabs on their spouse, and receive text messages when they are cheating.

“The technology works on perspiration and saliva,” said creator Martin Deen, of NASA. “When the chip is implanted, secretly, by the spouse of a cheater, the implant will automatically pair with the person’s body, recognizing their DNA. When the chip notices that another person’s sweat, saliva, semen, blood, or other bodily fluid is recognized, then it automatically sends a text message to a programmed number as proof that the carrier is, indeed, cheating.”

So far, researchers have sold about 200 units to women and men who expect that their partner is cheating, and the results have been wonderful.

“The offending spouse never even knew how they got caught, but in the end, it always catches them red handed,” said Deen.

Deen says that the chip will work best if implanted into somewhere such as the penis or vagina, for maximum effect.

Saturn Will Be At Closest Point To Earth In Over 4,000 Years On May 31st

saturn

WORLDWIDE – 

NASA has confirmed that on May 31st, Saturn will be closer to Earth than it has been in over 4,000 years, with a spectacle that will be “unlike any other” astronomical sight people have seen.

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“Saturn does not often come this close to Earth, and this will be a sight no one currently living has ever seen,” said NASA spokesman George Pooler. “We are extremely excited to be able to better study this planet, but also that people will be able to get a glimpse of an amazing, ringed planet, which is not something normally able to happen.”

Pooler says that NASA hopes to be able to see the opposite side of Saturn as it rotates by, something that they have never been able to photograph previously.

“In 1980, Saturn came very close, but not as close as it will come this time,” said Pooler. “We have some images of Saturn from the last rotation, but this will be an amazing sight that will blow the last time out of the water. We are expecting that on May 31st, we will be able to see Saturn here in the United States at approximately 4:45PM EST. Get your cameras ready, as this experience is once-in-a-lifetime.”

First Contact: New Images from Voyager Satellite Prove Alien Existence

aliens

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

Voyager I has made contact with aliens, and they do not seem to have the capacity to understand human affairs. Scientists have analyzed the images and determined the beings are definitely animal-like in nature, although It cannot be confirmed whether they have souls. They sit atop what geologists suspect to be a rich oil deposit, and they hope to relocate the oil to Earth.

World leaders agree that the next step for humanity. is to invest in this venture.

“We’re all going to be rich! Rolexes and expensive cheeses for all!” said scientist George Miller Jr. “I cannot wait. We’ve finally made contact, and we are at this moment planning on a way to rape and pillage these aliens in much the same way that we raped the indigenous peoples here.”

Newly forming special interest groups for the creatures discovered by the Voyager satellite warn that “They’re just going to exploit their resources and drive them off like they did our own indigenous people.”

The daughter of a NASA official leaked the inside information. “They are so on their own little world, no knowledge of interstellar matters. Totally like, clueless. Daddy says we can send rockets there to start drilling, and my baby’s baby will be rich when they come back. I can’t wait.”

Mars Rover Sends Back Images Of What Appears To Be Man Walking Through Dunes

mars

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – 

The Mars rover has reportedly uploaded pictures to the NASA servers from Mars that show a man walking in the distance behind a line of sand dunes. The internet has become abuzz with the photo, which they say is more indisputable proof of life on the planet.

“That is definitely, 100%, a living, walking, sentient being right there,” said internet sleuth and conspiracy theorist Joe Goldsmith. “You can easily tell that this isn’t Photoshopped, because for one, it came directly from NASA, and two, who would want to Photoshop a picture like this trying to prove life on another planet? Is that something people would do? Of course not. I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my day, and this is definitely not Photoshopped.”

NASA scientists are still working to uncover the mystery behind the ‘Walking Man,’ as they’re calling it, but so far, they have yet to come up with any solid ideas.

“It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilty that it could be some sort of being, but it would be odd that this is the first walking, upright, man-like being that we’ve seen since the Rover has been on Mars,” said NASA scientist Dr. Richard Lewis. “I have no idea if this is a man, or Martian, as it were. It’s probably just another case of pareidolia.”

Pareidolia is the condition found in all humans that makes our brains apply known-items to abstract shapes, such as being able to see certain figures in clouds, or faces in random designs.

“We are hoping, very much, that this is some sort of life. That is the whole reason we went to Mars,” said Lewis. “We are trying to move the Rover closer to the area, to begin looking for clues such as footprints or other signs of life, but it is a time-consuming process, to be sure.”

‘Clock Kid’ Becomes Biggest Selling Halloween Costume Of All Time

clock kid

DALLAS, Texas – 

The ‘clock kid’ look has just become the most sought-after and biggest selling Halloween costume of all time, selling 29.7 million times on Amazon in the last 48 hours, according to reports.

“We can’t believe how many costumes we sold,” said costume designer Jim Meyer of Costume Company, Inc. “It’s staggering. I’m not sure how we will even make all the suitcase bombs…er, I mean ‘clocks,’ in time for the holiday.”

Clock Kid, which is based on a recent major headline involving a scam artist teen who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school, was originally slated to be banned by most online retailers, after a couple people started a petition, calling it “racist.” More proof that money talks, though, when it comes to major companies, the rapid sales changed the minds of Amazon, and others.

“Oh, we definitely want it to be available, no matter how racist it is, or isn’t, depending on how you look at it,” said Amazon spokesman Rett Tyler. “I mean, I’m not offended by it, so I couldn’t possibly care less. We’ve sold approximately a half a billion dollars worth of this costume in the last couple days. There are going to be a ton of Clock Kids coming to your door for candy this Halloween.”

According to HalloweenWatch.edu, ‘Clock Kid’ may hold the world record for biggest-selling costume of all time. It has reportedly already passed ghost, witch, and cowboy in children’s costumes, as well as sexy nurse, sexy maid, and sexy schoolgirl in the adult costume world.

“If this stays huge into next Halloween, we’ll also be releasing a ‘sexy clock kid’ version of the costume as well,” said Meyer. “This is a damn goldmine.”

There is no word from Clock Kid himself, Ahmed Mohammed, on how he feels about the costume, although more than likely, he and his family are just upset that they are entitled to any royalties.

NASA to Scrap Venus Trip, Using Funds to Study Bruce Jenner

NASA to Scrap Venus Trip, Using Funds to Study Bruce Jenner

 

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – 

NASA officials have made the unprecedented announcement regarding the transition a large sum of funds from space exploration to a more terrestrial endeavor. In a recent press release, the plan was made clear. “We have decided to move funds from space exploration to study Bruce Jenner.”

Officials at the National Aeronautics and Space Association stated that the move was decided after a series of groundbreaking feats went relatively unnoticed by the US public. According to officials, NASA must remain more mindful of its popularity to retain funding. Thus, drastic steps must be made to stay in the limelight.

“We simply have to stay relevant to today’s society. In order to do so, we have to be aware of what is popular – what fascinates people,” said Mission Director J.D. Harrington. “What fascinates people right now is Bruce Jenner.”

Jenner recently made waves regarding his interest in transforming into a woman. NASA officials made it clear that their funding the exploration of the former Olympic star were not an unfocused mocking, but instead a true scientific endeavor.

“This isn’t a cheap ploy at all. Nor is it an attempt to demean the transgender community,”
Harrington explained firmly. “The fact is, plenty of people are interested in this. Many are unaware of the transgender process or how it works. In a lot of ways it is more mysterious than space, and NASA has the funds to study this situation and process.”

When asked about the recent finding of Ceres, a dwarf planet in the solar system, as well as the landing on the Rosetta Comet, Harrington was once again frank.

“Sure, we found a new planet-sized object in the asteroid belt. And yes, we landed a machine on a [expletive] asteroid. But no big deal. It’s clear the two most talked about spherical objects in our solar system are on Jenner’s chest. So I guess we’ll just need to study those. Why not cover something that costs less money and seems to interest people?”

NASA has scrapped an upcoming mission to Venus in order to send a probe to orbit Jenner for six weeks. The shuttle is set to launch early next month, weather permitting.

NASA Astronaut Who Was Lost in Space Returns After 20 Years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – NASA Astronaut Who Was Lost in Space Returns After 20 Years

A family was reunited with a long-lost father today as Garry Hickens returned from space after being stuck in orbit for over 20 years. Hickens, a name you’ll all soon know very well, began his career at NASA over 30 years ago. He wasn’t a flashy astronaut that people knew well, such as Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin, but he defiantly played his part for them.

According to NASA, in 1995, a small shuttle was sent to orbit the Earth’s ozone layer to test for climate changes. Hickens was on board the craft, and it was a task he had accomplished a few times at her time with NASA. It was such a simple, routine mission, that Hickens did it solo, and it would regularly only take 6 days to compile the necessary information.

During his last attempt, the craft accidentally expelled out the fuel needed for a return to Earth; The module was launched further into orbit, and placed Hickens too deep into space to return. Teams at NASA attempted to retrieve Hickens, but after a week of searching and attempting to reach him, they considered him gone.

A funeral was held for him a month after the botched mission, where family, friends, and co-workers could discuss better times with Hickens. His death certificate, filled out by NASA doctors, read ‘lost in space’ as cause of death.

According to Hickens, after all this time, nearly 20 years in space, his orbit changed, and he hit close enough to Earth that gravity brought him back in. It was a crash landing, but the parachutes were able to be deployed, and NASA has confirmed that Hickens is alive and doing well, with only a few minor scraped and cuts from a hard-hitting impact in the California desert.

Hickens has reported that he survived heavily on recycling his own urine, and stretching his supply pack as far as he could.  At the moment, his weak state limits his conversations, but he has told the media he is just happy to be home.

Hickens left at age 44, and celebrated his 65th birthday while in orbit just 2 short weeks ago.

Golf Ball Hit From Moon During Apollo 14 Mission Found By Rover On Mars

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – Golf Ball Hit From Moon During Apollo 14 Mission Found By Rover On Mars

NASA today confirmed images relayed to Earth by the Mars Rover are, indeed, a Titleist golf ball. Scientists were happy to report that the mystery of the golf ball has been solved, and that there’s a logical explanation for it. 

”When the image of the golf ball was released, internet rumors ranged from golf playing aliens to the Mars Rover mission being a NASA hoax filmed here on Earth. I’m happy to report we have solved the mystery of the golf ball found in the Gabrielle Crater on Mars,” said Lead Mars Rover scientist Carl White. “The golf ball is none other than the one Alan Shepard hit off the lunar surface in 1971 during the Apollo 14 mission. When Mr. Shepard hit the ball on the Moon, with the Moon’s low gravity the ball was launched into space. We have calculated the ball traveled 35 million miles and took forty years to land on Mars.”

“Since the ball landed in Gabrielle Crater we are happy to say that a NASA astronaut now holds the longest hole in one record in golf history,” said president of Titleist Golf Company Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, Mr. Shepard died in 1988, but I met him a few times, and I’m sure he would be proud to hold such a record.”

“Alan played golf all the time,” says widow Mary Shepard. ”I’m not sure how proud he would be though that the ball was found on Mars. When he got back from the Apollo 14 mission in 1971, he told me he was aiming at Uranus, so he must have hooked it.”

NASA’s Hubble Telescope Discovers Signs of Life In Extremely Distant Galaxy

WASHINGTON, D.C – NASA's Hubble Telescope Discovers Signs of Life In Extremely Distant Galaxy

Officials at NASA headquarters in Washington, D.C, have confirmed that the powerful Hubble telescope has found what experts believe to be conclusive evidence of life within a distant galaxy which was discovered last month.

NASA spokesperson Carl Wright said that the new findings are a major breakthrough for not only NASA, but for the entire world. “What we have found, with the proof we have discovered, this is possibly the biggest, most important finding in NASA history,” Wright told the Associated Press. “This absolutely puts to rest any doubt that life exists outside of our own galaxy.”

Peering through the giant cosmic magnifying glass, the Hubble Space Telescope spotted the galaxy last month. It is said to be the furthest galaxy ever seen, at more than 65 billion light years away. The galaxy, known as X12-P45, was detected by the Frontier Fields program, an ambitious three-year study that teams Hubble with NASA’s other observatories, the Spitzer Space Telescope and the powerful Chandra X-ray Observatory. These powerful lenses allow astronomers to find distant, dim structures that until now have been too faint to see.

Wright went on to explain in the briefing that the forms of life discovered seem to be those of intelligence. “We aren’t just talking about a few plants or trees of some kind, we are talking about intelligent life forms which have built structures, civilizations, buildings. These structures were built by something, which only leads us to believe they are aliens of some kind, maybe even very human-like beings. It remains to be seen, but this is huge progress for the entire world to find something of such important significance,” Wright stated.

When asked if NASA expects the findings of alleged intelligent life form to panic people on the planet Earth, Wright chuckled, and assured that there is no impending source of danger. “We clearly are the aggressors here, the people of the world have nothing to fear. We can’t do anything without being violent and forceful, so if we know they are there before they know we are here, then all is well. The further ahead we get in science, the bigger the advantage we have. If these turn out to be hostile alien life forms, we will take the bull by the horns. Never under-estimate the power of mankind.” he said.

Private companies, including McDonald’s and Starbucks, say they are willing to fund an expedition to explore the new galaxy and planet, in exchange for being the first Earth establishments allowed to build there.

 

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NASA Scientists Admit Moon Landing Was A Hoax

HOUSTON, Texas – NASA Scientists Admit Moon Landing Was A Hoax

NASA officials today admitted what many conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years, that man never walked on the moon. Chief scientist Alan Anderson said the lunar landing hoax had ‘gone on long enough,’ and that it was becoming ridiculous to keep claiming that men have been to the moon.

”You have to understand, NASA was under a lot of pressure when President Kennedy promised the Nation that he’d put a man on the moon before the Ruskies,” said Space Technology Scientist Alan Anderson. “We told him it was impossible, so he knew it had to be faked.”

“As the story goes he threatened to cut off funding if we didn’t go along with the hoax,” said NASA engineer Rod Sterling. “People are smarter these days, and it’s getting more ridiculous and more difficult to keep the lie going. We’re coming forward today to put an end to the lies and the manipulation of the public, and to put a stop to a planned 2018 hoax Mars mission. NASA does a lot of good things, and our technology advances have helped mankind in many ways. I just don’t want to see us waste our time and your tax dollars. We have real work to do.”

NASA spokesmen said that President Obama had, like all presidents before him, knowledge of the hoax, and was required to keep it a secret by the CIA and the White House.

“In the government, it’s normally extremely hard to keep a secret. Something like this, I can’t believe we’ve been able to keep it going this long,” said Anderson. “I mean, Nixon couldn’t keep a break-in at a hotel under wraps, and Clinton couldn’t keep his affairs out of the media for more than 5 minutes. I honestly can’t believe no one has spilled the beans before now.”

 

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