BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Jack Schlossberg, John F Kennedy’s grandson, is auctioning off a family heirloom: Marilyn Monroe’s Panties.
Monroe’s unmentionables are rumored to have been used to wipe up JFK’s semen. They were kept in a drawer until his death, when they were transferred to his brother, Ted Kennedy. After his timely death in 2009 the panties were bequeathed to Schlossberg.
“I honestly don’t have a use for them,” says Schlossberg. “Plus, every girl I sleep with begs me to try them on. ‘If you really liked me, you’d let me try on her panties!’ Hun, if I let every girl I liked try those on, they’d be tattered by now,” says the “heartthrob” of the Kennedy family. “Best thing to do is to just get rid of them. To be honest, they’re filthy anyway.”
The panties are expected to earn over $1 million at auction.
HOUSTON, Texas –
NASA officials today admitted what many conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years, that man never walked on the moon. Chief scientist Alan Anderson said the lunar landing hoax had ‘gone on long enough,’ and that it was becoming ridiculous to keep claiming that men have been to the moon.
”You have to understand, NASA was under a lot of pressure when President Kennedy promised the Nation that he’d put a man on the moon before the Ruskies,” said Space Technology Scientist Alan Anderson. “We told him it was impossible, so he knew it had to be faked.”
“As the story goes he threatened to cut off funding if we didn’t go along with the hoax,” said NASA engineer Rod Sterling. “People are smarter these days, and it’s getting more ridiculous and more difficult to keep the lie going. We’re coming forward today to put an end to the lies and the manipulation of the public, and to put a stop to a planned 2018 hoax Mars mission. NASA does a lot of good things, and our technology advances have helped mankind in many ways. I just don’t want to see us waste our time and your tax dollars. We have real work to do.”
NASA spokesmen said that President Obama had, like all presidents before him, knowledge of the hoax, and was required to keep it a secret by the CIA and the White House.
“In the government, it’s normally extremely hard to keep a secret. Something like this, I can’t believe we’ve been able to keep it going this long,” said Anderson. “I mean, Nixon couldn’t keep a break-in at a hotel under wraps, and Clinton couldn’t keep his affairs out of the media for more than 5 minutes. I honestly can’t believe no one has spilled the beans before now.”