Mars Rover Sends Back Images Of What Appears To Be Man Walking Through Dunes

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CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – 

The Mars rover has reportedly uploaded pictures to the NASA servers from Mars that show a man walking in the distance behind a line of sand dunes. The internet has become abuzz with the photo, which they say is more indisputable proof of life on the planet.

“That is definitely, 100%, a living, walking, sentient being right there,” said internet sleuth and conspiracy theorist Joe Goldsmith. “You can easily tell that this isn’t Photoshopped, because for one, it came directly from NASA, and two, who would want to Photoshop a picture like this trying to prove life on another planet? Is that something people would do? Of course not. I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my day, and this is definitely not Photoshopped.”

NASA scientists are still working to uncover the mystery behind the ‘Walking Man,’ as they’re calling it, but so far, they have yet to come up with any solid ideas.

“It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilty that it could be some sort of being, but it would be odd that this is the first walking, upright, man-like being that we’ve seen since the Rover has been on Mars,” said NASA scientist Dr. Richard Lewis. “I have no idea if this is a man, or Martian, as it were. It’s probably just another case of pareidolia.”

Pareidolia is the condition found in all humans that makes our brains apply known-items to abstract shapes, such as being able to see certain figures in clouds, or faces in random designs.

“We are hoping, very much, that this is some sort of life. That is the whole reason we went to Mars,” said Lewis. “We are trying to move the Rover closer to the area, to begin looking for clues such as footprints or other signs of life, but it is a time-consuming process, to be sure.”

Neil Armstrong, First Man On The Moon, Dead At 82

Neil Armstrong, First Man On The Moon, Dead At 82

MIAMI, Florida – 

America is mourning the passing of the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, at the age of 82. The famous and pioneering astronaut died from health complications brought on by his 2012 death, bringing an end to the celebrated life of this true American pioneer.

His family released a statement, describing Armstrong as a reluctant American hero [who had] served his nation proudly, as a navy fighter pilot, test pilot, and astronaut.

“While we mourn the loss of a very good man, we also celebrate his remarkable life and hope that it serves as an example to young people around the world to work hard to make their dreams come true, to be willing to explore and push the limits, and to selflessly serve a cause greater than themselves.”

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The news triggered an outpouring of tributes to the man who took the first “small step” on the Earth’s lunar luminary.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” tweeted fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin. “In his 85 years on this planet, he managed to live 82 solar cycles, which is more than 96% of that time. That’s pretty darn good. Better than most at least.”

The interstellar traveller, who celebrated his 82nd birthday in August 2012, had previously stated that he intended to live forever, even if he did not manage any more years in that time. But friends say they saw his demise coming.

“When he died in 2012, we knew he wouldn’t last that much longer,” said old school friend Randy Haywood. “I mean, the projected life span after dying is usually six months to a year. He fought on for almost three years. That’s a darn good achievement, but like all men, his death finally killed him.”

An anonymous source informed news outlets that Armstrong’s family were to sue doctors treating him for negligence.

“You have to be very cautious when treating a dead man,” said the source. “These doctors weren’t. Although he lasted a remarkably long time, he could’ve lived for years longer, if not for his physician and surgeon’s inconsideration of his ailing condition.”

A trainee, who had regular contact with the lunar lander, was overheard saying that he was never the same after his body stopped working anyway.

NASA Astronaut Who Was Lost in Space Returns After 20 Years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – NASA Astronaut Who Was Lost in Space Returns After 20 Years

A family was reunited with a long-lost father today as Garry Hickens returned from space after being stuck in orbit for over 20 years. Hickens, a name you’ll all soon know very well, began his career at NASA over 30 years ago. He wasn’t a flashy astronaut that people knew well, such as Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin, but he defiantly played his part for them.

According to NASA, in 1995, a small shuttle was sent to orbit the Earth’s ozone layer to test for climate changes. Hickens was on board the craft, and it was a task he had accomplished a few times at her time with NASA. It was such a simple, routine mission, that Hickens did it solo, and it would regularly only take 6 days to compile the necessary information.

During his last attempt, the craft accidentally expelled out the fuel needed for a return to Earth; The module was launched further into orbit, and placed Hickens too deep into space to return. Teams at NASA attempted to retrieve Hickens, but after a week of searching and attempting to reach him, they considered him gone.

A funeral was held for him a month after the botched mission, where family, friends, and co-workers could discuss better times with Hickens. His death certificate, filled out by NASA doctors, read ‘lost in space’ as cause of death.

According to Hickens, after all this time, nearly 20 years in space, his orbit changed, and he hit close enough to Earth that gravity brought him back in. It was a crash landing, but the parachutes were able to be deployed, and NASA has confirmed that Hickens is alive and doing well, with only a few minor scraped and cuts from a hard-hitting impact in the California desert.

Hickens has reported that he survived heavily on recycling his own urine, and stretching his supply pack as far as he could.  At the moment, his weak state limits his conversations, but he has told the media he is just happy to be home.

Hickens left at age 44, and celebrated his 65th birthday while in orbit just 2 short weeks ago.

Inspired by Movie ‘Gravity,’ Obama Plans To Be First President In Outer Space

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Inspired by Movie 'Gravity,' Obama Plans To Be First President In Outer Space

In an unprecedented White House meeting, President Obama met members of the  press with NASA officials by his side. The President was beaming as he announced plans to become the first President to travel into outer space, planning the trip before his term ends in early 2016.

Obama will reportedly be taking a sabbatical and moving to Houston towards the end of 2015 to go through an extensive eight-week training class on how to become an astronaut. Part of the training will include mock simulations in zero gravity.

“Michelle and I recently caught up with everyone else in the country and finally watched Gravity. George Clooney’s character got me thinking that I should try that. I contacted the good people of NASA, and they welcomed the idea,” stated Obama. “I will be following in the footsteps of President Eisenhower, when in 1958 his voice was heard through a satellite – or when President Kennedy predicted there would be a man on the moon one day.”

Obama says that he is looking forward to his trip, and doesn’t think that the dangers faced by astronauts should be any worry for him.

“To be the first President in outer space is an honor. Of course many Americans believe George W. Bush was the first President in outer space,” joked Obama. “The Sy-Fy channel will be there to document my training. I look forward to trying to eat potato chips while floating.”

Upon hearing the news of Obama’s planned space launch, Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin, flew into a rage and vowed that he – not President Obama – would be considered the first world leader circling the Earth’s hemispheres. All previous plans at Star City have been scrapped in preparing for Putin to arrive and start his training as a cosmonaut.

New Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell also was hesitant to extol the President on his intergalactic preparation.

“Apparently the President thinks immigration, health care, or the economy will be solved by eating a bag of Doritos in space. What’s next? Hillary [Clinton] eating a Snickers on Mars?”

 

Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather To Become First Private Citizen To Travel To The Moon

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Floyd 'Money' Mayweather To Become First Private Citizen To Travel To The Moon

It has been confirmed today that a private citizen will be taking a trip to a place no man has gone before – unless, of course, you’re a man that happens to be an astronaut.

A new, privately funded space exploration company called GalaxyTech is sending its first citizen to the moon. The program is using this opportunity as a way to gain a little bit of cash, because as they said ‘a ticket to the moon don’t come cheap.’

“The exciting part of the announcement comes when we let everyone know who the first guinea pig, er, I mean, who the first brave explorer will be,” said company representative Sherman Helms. “The person who will be taking the trip could be argued as one of the most famous athletes in the world – his name is Floyd Mayweather!”

Mayweather announced his trip to the moon earlier this week through his publicist, but initial reports seemed to come through the media as a purported joke.

“I just thought this would be a great chance for the best on Earth to hold the crown as the best on the Moon, too,” said Mayweather. “I’ve done almost everything there is to do on this planet, and I’m ready to see what the moon has to offer. Plus, who knows, maybe they be some type of alien up there that wants to go a couple rounds.”

The space program sending Mayweather to the moon hopes that other celebrities will follow suit. While Floyd my be the first private citizen going to the moon, GalaxyTech say that they sincerely hope that he isn’t the last.

 

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