President Obama Records 10,000th Handshake

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Records 10,000th Handshake

It was an exuberant day in the Obama regime as President Obama fulfilled one of his long-standing campaign promises of shaking at least 10,000 hands during his presidency.

The excited President stated, “When I tell the American people I’m going to do something, I do it. I came before you in 2008 and made this one of my campaign promises. Well today, that promise was met. However, let me say that I was not the sole recipient of this challenge. There was a lot of hard work put forth by many world leaders, constituents, and the hard-working people of America. This is a testament to the American pride. Yes, we can!”

The President was apprised recently, and found that he was close to setting his goal. Many in the press thought that the President would hit the mark at the recent G3 conventions. German chancellor Angela Merkel and Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu were favored to be the recipient of the 10,000th handshake, but Obama came up short in the meetings. Speculation grew as to who would be number ten thousand. In a story of a true underdog, Tony Barone from Poughkeepsie, New York, recorded the victorious handshake after the President dropped in to his locally owned hardware store.

“Is this real? Me? Number 10,000? I’m just Tony from Poughkeepsie. This is an honor I will hold sacred in my heart forever. I’ve never been more proud to be an American. USA! USA!,” stated the jubilant owner and cashier.

Republicans weren’t so effusive in their praise of the President’s accomplishment, especially Speaker of the House John Boehner.

“While we recognize the President’s accomplishment, we have to say this is a little late. Six years in and he accomplishes this? Also remember that daps, fist bumps, and high fives are recently counted as a handshake. If this recording were kept under the Bush administration, President Bush would have eclipsed this mark in less than one term.”


Inspired by Movie ‘Gravity,’ Obama Plans To Be First President In Outer Space

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Inspired by Movie 'Gravity,' Obama Plans To Be First President In Outer Space

In an unprecedented White House meeting, President Obama met members of the  press with NASA officials by his side. The President was beaming as he announced plans to become the first President to travel into outer space, planning the trip before his term ends in early 2016.

Obama will reportedly be taking a sabbatical and moving to Houston towards the end of 2015 to go through an extensive eight-week training class on how to become an astronaut. Part of the training will include mock simulations in zero gravity.

“Michelle and I recently caught up with everyone else in the country and finally watched Gravity. George Clooney’s character got me thinking that I should try that. I contacted the good people of NASA, and they welcomed the idea,” stated Obama. “I will be following in the footsteps of President Eisenhower, when in 1958 his voice was heard through a satellite – or when President Kennedy predicted there would be a man on the moon one day.”

Obama says that he is looking forward to his trip, and doesn’t think that the dangers faced by astronauts should be any worry for him.

“To be the first President in outer space is an honor. Of course many Americans believe George W. Bush was the first President in outer space,” joked Obama. “The Sy-Fy channel will be there to document my training. I look forward to trying to eat potato chips while floating.”

Upon hearing the news of Obama’s planned space launch, Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin, flew into a rage and vowed that he – not President Obama – would be considered the first world leader circling the Earth’s hemispheres. All previous plans at Star City have been scrapped in preparing for Putin to arrive and start his training as a cosmonaut.

New Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell also was hesitant to extol the President on his intergalactic preparation.

“Apparently the President thinks immigration, health care, or the economy will be solved by eating a bag of Doritos in space. What’s next? Hillary [Clinton] eating a Snickers on Mars?”


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