Hubble Telescope Finds Evidence Of Actual Heaven In Deep Space Probe

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Hubble Telescope Finds Evidence Of Actual Heaven In Deep Space Probe

 

MIAMI, Florida – 

The NASA/ESA Hubble Space Telescope has found a space anomaly that very well proves the existence of God. Hundreds of scientists confirm God’s word is being transmitted from deep within outer space.

Judy Schmidt is credited with first spotting galaxy cluster, knowns as SDSS J1038+4849, and submitted the image to Hubble’s ‘Hidden Treasures’ image processing competition. Because of its resemblance to a smiling face, the galaxy cluster has gotten worldwide attention.

Green Bank Telescope, a radio observatory of West Virginia, first picked up unusual transmissions when they pointed their satellites at the galaxy cluster. In their statement, they remain guarded. “We’re not sure what we’re looking at yet, but it has been confirmed by other radio observatories to be Heaven, as in literally the place where your sprit ascends to when you pass on.”

Famous astrophysicist Michio Kaku claims to have decoded the transmission. “At first it seemed to be unusually loud space noise, but when we isolated the individual transmission, we found we were listening to Psalms. It was very strange. At first I thought someone had tampered with my computer. After further analysis, I realized I had better get to church right away.”

Pope Francis plans to announce the official location of Heaven in a press conference on Ash Wednesday. “Finally, something scientific we can rub the non-believer’s faces in. My prayers have been answered,” said Francis. “For eons, people have asked for proof, for tangibility, and at least, we can present it.”

Plans are in the work for a probe, containing messages from humanity, although some scientists argue the human race may be extinct by the time it gets there. Progressive Reverend Marc Luther says, “It all makes sense now. God never answers prayers because he’s too far away to hear them. A probe will get his attention. For the sake of future generations, we need to reach out to Him and beg for His help before it’s too late.”

NASA to Scrap Venus Trip, Using Funds to Study Bruce Jenner

NASA to Scrap Venus Trip, Using Funds to Study Bruce Jenner

 

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – 

NASA officials have made the unprecedented announcement regarding the transition a large sum of funds from space exploration to a more terrestrial endeavor. In a recent press release, the plan was made clear. “We have decided to move funds from space exploration to study Bruce Jenner.”

Officials at the National Aeronautics and Space Association stated that the move was decided after a series of groundbreaking feats went relatively unnoticed by the US public. According to officials, NASA must remain more mindful of its popularity to retain funding. Thus, drastic steps must be made to stay in the limelight.

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“We simply have to stay relevant to today’s society. In order to do so, we have to be aware of what is popular – what fascinates people,” said Mission Director J.D. Harrington. “What fascinates people right now is Bruce Jenner.”

Jenner recently made waves regarding his interest in transforming into a woman. NASA officials made it clear that their funding the exploration of the former Olympic star were not an unfocused mocking, but instead a true scientific endeavor.

“This isn’t a cheap ploy at all. Nor is it an attempt to demean the transgender community,”
Harrington explained firmly. “The fact is, plenty of people are interested in this. Many are unaware of the transgender process or how it works. In a lot of ways it is more mysterious than space, and NASA has the funds to study this situation and process.”

When asked about the recent finding of Ceres, a dwarf planet in the solar system, as well as the landing on the Rosetta Comet, Harrington was once again frank.

“Sure, we found a new planet-sized object in the asteroid belt. And yes, we landed a machine on a [expletive] asteroid. But no big deal. It’s clear the two most talked about spherical objects in our solar system are on Jenner’s chest. So I guess we’ll just need to study those. Why not cover something that costs less money and seems to interest people?”

NASA has scrapped an upcoming mission to Venus in order to send a probe to orbit Jenner for six weeks. The shuttle is set to launch early next month, weather permitting.

NASA Astronaut Who Was Lost in Space Returns After 20 Years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – NASA Astronaut Who Was Lost in Space Returns After 20 Years

A family was reunited with a long-lost father today as Garry Hickens returned from space after being stuck in orbit for over 20 years. Hickens, a name you’ll all soon know very well, began his career at NASA over 30 years ago. He wasn’t a flashy astronaut that people knew well, such as Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin, but he defiantly played his part for them.

According to NASA, in 1995, a small shuttle was sent to orbit the Earth’s ozone layer to test for climate changes. Hickens was on board the craft, and it was a task he had accomplished a few times at her time with NASA. It was such a simple, routine mission, that Hickens did it solo, and it would regularly only take 6 days to compile the necessary information.

During his last attempt, the craft accidentally expelled out the fuel needed for a return to Earth; The module was launched further into orbit, and placed Hickens too deep into space to return. Teams at NASA attempted to retrieve Hickens, but after a week of searching and attempting to reach him, they considered him gone.

A funeral was held for him a month after the botched mission, where family, friends, and co-workers could discuss better times with Hickens. His death certificate, filled out by NASA doctors, read ‘lost in space’ as cause of death.

According to Hickens, after all this time, nearly 20 years in space, his orbit changed, and he hit close enough to Earth that gravity brought him back in. It was a crash landing, but the parachutes were able to be deployed, and NASA has confirmed that Hickens is alive and doing well, with only a few minor scraped and cuts from a hard-hitting impact in the California desert.

Hickens has reported that he survived heavily on recycling his own urine, and stretching his supply pack as far as he could.  At the moment, his weak state limits his conversations, but he has told the media he is just happy to be home.

Hickens left at age 44, and celebrated his 65th birthday while in orbit just 2 short weeks ago.

Inspired by Movie ‘Gravity,’ Obama Plans To Be First President In Outer Space

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Inspired by Movie 'Gravity,' Obama Plans To Be First President In Outer Space

In an unprecedented White House meeting, President Obama met members of the  press with NASA officials by his side. The President was beaming as he announced plans to become the first President to travel into outer space, planning the trip before his term ends in early 2016.

Obama will reportedly be taking a sabbatical and moving to Houston towards the end of 2015 to go through an extensive eight-week training class on how to become an astronaut. Part of the training will include mock simulations in zero gravity.

“Michelle and I recently caught up with everyone else in the country and finally watched Gravity. George Clooney’s character got me thinking that I should try that. I contacted the good people of NASA, and they welcomed the idea,” stated Obama. “I will be following in the footsteps of President Eisenhower, when in 1958 his voice was heard through a satellite – or when President Kennedy predicted there would be a man on the moon one day.”

Obama says that he is looking forward to his trip, and doesn’t think that the dangers faced by astronauts should be any worry for him.

“To be the first President in outer space is an honor. Of course many Americans believe George W. Bush was the first President in outer space,” joked Obama. “The Sy-Fy channel will be there to document my training. I look forward to trying to eat potato chips while floating.”

Upon hearing the news of Obama’s planned space launch, Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin, flew into a rage and vowed that he – not President Obama – would be considered the first world leader circling the Earth’s hemispheres. All previous plans at Star City have been scrapped in preparing for Putin to arrive and start his training as a cosmonaut.

New Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell also was hesitant to extol the President on his intergalactic preparation.

“Apparently the President thinks immigration, health care, or the economy will be solved by eating a bag of Doritos in space. What’s next? Hillary [Clinton] eating a Snickers on Mars?”

 

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