Susan Boyle To Appear Nude In Playboy Magazine

Posted on February 10, 2015 by davittslat

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

March’s issue of Playboy will feature a celebrity like none before. Susan Boyle, the former Britain’s Got Talent megastar, will appear au natural as Playboy’s monthly centerfold. At 54, Boyle will be the second oldest woman to bare all for a Playboy pictorial. Boyle’s publicist, Jacque McMaster, has confirmed the news.

“Susan is a very determined woman,” stated McMaster. “She’s extremely proud of her body. She’s been known to flaunt it at the beach too. She’s not afraid to go topless either. To be honest she’s kind of pissed off she wasn’t asked to pose for the magazine earlier. Not many people know this, but she took photos when she was in college.”

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner pushed for Boyle to appear, as he believes the ‘curiosity factor’ alone will boost sales of the magazine.

“Susan represents the ‘every woman.’ I love her story of perseverance. I’m proud she said yes,” said Hefner. “Crystal [Harris] is always listening to ‘I Dreamed A Dream.’ I get teary just listening to that record.”

Boyle is expected to have a concert at the Playboy mansion celebrating the release of her issue, and a new album as well. Reportedly, Boyle will be doing the second half of her set naked.

“Everyone will get to see Susan as beautiful externally as she is internally. She’s excited, but she’s not going crazy with crash diets or exercise,” elaborated McMaster. “Susan wants to be accepted for who she is now and she’s excited to prove people wrong about her physique, just like her voice. Get ready for the most downloaded woman in the history of the Internet. You watch. She’s going prove the haters wrong.”

Katy Perry Plans ‘Intentional’ Wardrobe Malfunction at Super Bowl Halftime Show

Posted on January 26, 2015 by davittslat

PHOENIX, Arizona –

During a break from her rehearsal for the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show, the Pepsi-pitching pop princess Katy Perry met with members of the media. Perry answered a variety of questions, involving her set list, possible hair color, and guest musicians. But it was her answers surrounding what she would be – or possibly not be – wearing during the performance that tantalized the masses.

“First of all, I’m Hyped For Halftime,” cited Perry, referencing her teasing Super Bowl promotional commercials. “While I won’t say what or who I’ll be wearing, you can plan on one thing. I’m gonna have my own wardrobe malfunction…but will it be a malfunction? It’ll put Janet Jackson to shame, and I can guarantee it will be more than just my belly button. I sure hope you’ll be watching.”

Twitter users ran rampant with speculation if Perry was planning on showing significant skin for the show, or if it was a veiled jab at Taylor Swift, whom Perry has been at odds with over singer John Mayer. More Twitter users ruminated if Perry would be incorporating some type of burlesque act during one of her songs, possibly during a performance of her first big hit, ‘I Kissed a Girl.’

Most comments made by males on social media were nearly unanimous in approval of the possibility of Perry losing part of her clothing, however, there was a faction of Twitter users condemning Perry for allowing herself to be objectified for entertainment sake. Members of various religious groups were quick to call blasphemy, and claimed Perry was “all that was wrong” with the moral fabric of America.

Religious and parents groups are reportedly asking the FCC to intervene and ban the halftime show as too risqué for the youth of America.

“The last thing our sons and daughters need to see is a possible, half-naked, purple-haired singer corrupting our values. We as a faith need to unite and stop her before millions are subjected,” said Abigail Waters, a representative of the Way of Our Most Holy Church in Alabama. “These children are tuning in to see a football game. A morally sound American tradition filled with camaraderie, anger, tackles, hard-hits, concussions, and falls, failures, cheating, and brain injuries. It should not be about sex or women when there is a sport being played.”

“I guess you’ll have to tune in on Sunday, but let’s say you’ll be seeing more of me than you thought,” giggled the Roar singer. She then winked, blew a kiss, and walked away.

Obama Resolves To Move White House to Chicago

Posted on January 24, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

To the shock of all Americans and with reverberations around the world, President Obama announced that he will move the White House to Chicago by year’s end. Obama mentioned the move was spurred after he was contemplating his 2015 New Year’s resolution. The Republican brass was in an uproar with many members of Congress questioning the President’s motives, some echoing the word dictator.

“When I came before you in 2008, I said my campaign was about change. As you know, every New Year’s Eve I fill out a list of personal and private goals. My thoughts kept coming back to Chicago,” stated Obama. “While I have the utmost respect and approbation for our forefathers and the city of Washington D.C., it’s time for the White House to be centralized, which would make travel and accessibility easier for all members of Congress. Chicago is the de facto capitol of the United States. Plus, who doesn’t love that deep dish pizza?” said the President.

Senator Ted Cruz said, “This President continues his ruthless power trip. My fears for this administration keep coming to fruition. Now he’s going to uproot our nation’s legacy? When are we as a people going to intercept his attempts to will his power over the American people? What’s next? Is he going to change the Constitution citing presidential supremacy?”

Meet The Press moderator, Chuck Todd, said he had been hearing rumors that this move was imminent. “The President’s deep love for Chicago is no secret,” said Todd. “I’m hearing, though, that a variety of personal reasons are the real motives for the impending move. First, Malia and Sasha [Obama] have grown homesick, and yearn to move back to their original Hyde Park surroundings. Second, the President confides with his former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, ever day and wants to be closer to him. Third, the President wants to see more Chicago Bulls games now that Derrick Rose appears to be healthy again, and the eastern conference is wide open. He’s mentioned many times his desire to bring a future championship Bulls team to the White House.”

Sarah Palin weighed in on the issue asking, “Chicago? Maybe the President missed those American history courses when he was growing up in Kenya.”

President Obama Records 10,000th Handshake

Posted on January 22, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It was an exuberant day in the Obama regime as President Obama fulfilled one of his long-standing campaign promises of shaking at least 10,000 hands during his presidency.

The excited President stated, “When I tell the American people I’m going to do something, I do it. I came before you in 2008 and made this one of my campaign promises. Well today, that promise was met. However, let me say that I was not the sole recipient of this challenge. There was a lot of hard work put forth by many world leaders, constituents, and the hard-working people of America. This is a testament to the American pride. Yes, we can!”

The President was apprised recently, and found that he was close to setting his goal. Many in the press thought that the President would hit the mark at the recent G3 conventions. German chancellor Angela Merkel and Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu were favored to be the recipient of the 10,000^th handshake, but Obama came up short in the meetings. Speculation grew as to who would be number ten thousand. In a story of a true underdog, Tony Barone from Poughkeepsie, New York, recorded the victorious handshake after the President dropped in to his locally owned hardware store.

“Is this real? Me? Number 10,000? I’m just Tony from Poughkeepsie. This is an honor I will hold sacred in my heart forever. I’ve never been more proud to be an American. USA! USA!,” stated the jubilant owner and cashier.

Republicans weren’t so effusive in their praise of the President’s accomplishment, especially Speaker of the House John Boehner.

“While we recognize the President’s accomplishment, we have to say this is a little late. Six years in and he accomplishes this? Also remember that daps, fist bumps, and high fives are recently counted as a handshake. If this recording were kept under the Bush administration, President Bush would have eclipsed this mark in less than one term.”

Hillary Clinton Insisting Staff Refer To Her As ‘Mrs. President’

Posted on January 21, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Chris Christie. Mike Huckabee. Maybe even Mitt Romney. Apparently Hillary Clinton isn’t fazed by any potential Republican candidates of impeding her ascension to the presidency. Reportedly, Clinton has called a meeting with her internal staff, and demanded that they start addressing her as President Clinton, starting immediately.

Clinton spokesman, Dominic Santori spoke to the media. “First of all, Mrs. Clinton has not announced that she will be seeking the democratic nomination for president. I’m not saying she’s ruling out a potential run, but nothing is official. If or when it is, I can assure you we will let you know. Until then, Mrs. Clinton is touring to support her New York Times bestselling book, Hard Choices.”

Another member of Clinton’s staff spoke on condition of anonymity. “Of course she’s going to run,” cited the staffer. “This is history here. The first woman president? Why wouldn’t she want that honor? She’s running, trust me, and she’s winning.”

The staffer also confirmed that Clinton, in preparation for the run, is asking her staff to refer to her as Miss President, or President Clinton. “She wants to get used to being referred as that. Although we’re still debating if she should be called Ms., Miss, or Mrs. President. It could be Madam. We have to be prepared for that day in 2016.”

“Bill Clinton has been a part of these meetings as well, and he tried calling his wife ‘Miss President’ a few times, but kept laughing. After a few hours and cocktails, he was able to say it with a straight face. Mrs. Clinton also had a laugh referring to him as the First Lady. She joked they’ll finally have something in common. Those two have a fantastic marriage. They are going to make a great President and First Lady, again.”

Inspired by Movie ‘Gravity,’ Obama Plans To Be First President In Outer Space

Posted on December 29, 2014 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an unprecedented White House meeting, President Obama met members of the press with NASA officials by his side. The President was beaming as he announced plans to become the first President to travel into outer space, planning the trip before his term ends in early 2016.

Obama will reportedly be taking a sabbatical and moving to Houston towards the end of 2015 to go through an extensive eight-week training class on how to become an astronaut. Part of the training will include mock simulations in zero gravity.

“Michelle and I recently caught up with everyone else in the country and finally watched Gravity. George Clooney’s character got me thinking that I should try that. I contacted the good people of NASA, and they welcomed the idea,” stated Obama. “I will be following in the footsteps of President Eisenhower, when in 1958 his voice was heard through a satellite – or when President Kennedy predicted there would be a man on the moon one day.”

Obama says that he is looking forward to his trip, and doesn’t think that the dangers faced by astronauts should be any worry for him.

“To be the first President in outer space is an honor. Of course many Americans believe George W. Bush was the first President in outer space,” joked Obama. “The Sy-Fy channel will be there to document my training. I look forward to trying to eat potato chips while floating.”

Upon hearing the news of Obama’s planned space launch, Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin, flew into a rage and vowed that he – not President Obama – would be considered the first world leader circling the Earth’s hemispheres. All previous plans at Star City have been scrapped in preparing for Putin to arrive and start his training as a cosmonaut.

New Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell also was hesitant to extol the President on his intergalactic preparation.

“Apparently the President thinks immigration, health care, or the economy will be solved by eating a bag of Doritos in space. What’s next? Hillary [Clinton] eating a Snickers on Mars?”