SACRAMENTO, California –
It already seemed like a major joke when, last week, Playboy magazine announced that it would no longer feature nude women, and instead would focus on the articles and interviews. The company, who removed nudity from their website in 2013, did say that they would keep the one piece of nudity that everyone loved: the centerfold.
Continuing with the idea of making their subscription numbers as low as possible, Playboy announced that November’s issue would feature Caitlyn Jenner, fully nude, as the centerfold.
“We are very excited to have Caitlyn join our long line of prestigious centerfolds,” said Playboy owner Hugh Hefner, 104. “And what a glorious time to have a she-man in the magazine. In 2015, we can have a black man as president, and we can have a chick with a dick in the Playboy centerfold. Readers-shmeaders. Everyone will want to buy this issue.”
Jenner could not be reached for comment, but her reps said that she is “extremely excited” to show the world her new, woman-ish body that still has a penis.
LOS ANGELES, California –
With the recent appearance of Azealia Banks posing nude in an edition of Playboy, the magazine’s editors still seem to be unaware that no one actually reads the magazine.
When asked about Banks and her insightful comments in the issue of Playboy, straight men and lesbians everywhere divided into two camps: those who didn’t even realize there was text alongside each picture, and those who know what Google Image Search is.
From the first camp, Sarah, 26, explained her surprise.
“Wow, it’s like an optical illusion! First all I saw was boobs, but after you pointed it out the words just magically appeared!”
She later commented that she still wasn’t going to read it, since she didn’t really care what Banks had to say and was more concerned about how much wasted space the text takes up when it could be filled by pictures.
On the other side, 20 year-old college student Zach mentioned that he didn’t understand why or how Playboy still published a magazine:
“People seriously still pay for that? I can find an endless stream of dirty pictures – including all of the ones in this magazine – on Google in a matter of seconds.”
Banks herself took to social media to explain that she really wanted her fans to read her comments, and that she didn’t just do it for money or attention. She cited it as a move toward equality, or something, and then posted more scantily-clad photos of herself. Despite her request, even loyal fans find themselves in either Zach or Sarah’s situation.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Michelle Obama has made a name for herself as a particularly active and community-oriented first lady. Now the mastermind between the Healthy Eating Act is taking her public relations a step further. She has announced that she will be posing fully nude in an upcoming Playboy centerfold.
“Women’s issues are always at the top of my agenda,” she stated in an open letter to the public. “Something that has plagued modern day females is expectations of modesty and shame about how they look. While women such as Lena Dunham have done their bit to change the norms of girls being ashamed to show their ‘societally imperfect’ bodies, the First Lady appearing naked will make body pride all the more normal.”
President Obama has expressed his support and delight at his wife’s announcement.
“Michelle is a very sexy lady. She should have the privilege that any other woman has, to show the sides of herself that she chooses,” he told the press. “The First Lady has the right to bare arms. And legs. And thighs, and breasts.”
Conservative radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has used his platform to bemoan what he calls “proof that liberals are bringing on the Apocalypse.”
“First, they took over Hollywood and practically turned acting into nothing more than pornography,” he raged. “Now they are going way too far. The First Lady should be a role model, not a Playboy model. What about the children? Has she forgotten about the children?”
But not all conservatives feel the same way. Republican senator Mitch Mcconnell has voiced his approval at the groundbreaking news.
“I think it’s sweet,” he wrote on his blog, ‘Republican Matters’. “Michelle is a close friend of mine, and I’ve always thought she’d look good in the buff. If anything, it’s a travesty she’s kept her body from us this long. The First Lady belongs to the people, and the people have spoken. It is time to see Michelle Obama’s lady bits.”
BEVERLY HILLS, California –
March’s issue of Playboy will feature a celebrity like none before. Susan Boyle, the former Britain’s Got Talent megastar, will appear au natural as Playboy’s monthly centerfold. At 54, Boyle will be the second oldest woman to bare all for a Playboy pictorial. Boyle’s publicist, Jacque McMaster, has confirmed the news.
“Susan is a very determined woman,” stated McMaster. “She’s extremely proud of her body. She’s been known to flaunt it at the beach too. She’s not afraid to go topless either. To be honest she’s kind of pissed off she wasn’t asked to pose for the magazine earlier. Not many people know this, but she took photos when she was in college.”
Playboy founder Hugh Hefner pushed for Boyle to appear, as he believes the ‘curiosity factor’ alone will boost sales of the magazine.
“Susan represents the ‘every woman.’ I love her story of perseverance. I’m proud she said yes,” said Hefner. “Crystal [Harris] is always listening to ‘I Dreamed A Dream.’ I get teary just listening to that record.”
Boyle is expected to have a concert at the Playboy mansion celebrating the release of her issue, and a new album as well. Reportedly, Boyle will be doing the second half of her set naked.
“Everyone will get to see Susan as beautiful externally as she is internally. She’s excited, but she’s not going crazy with crash diets or exercise,” elaborated McMaster. “Susan wants to be accepted for who she is now and she’s excited to prove people wrong about her physique, just like her voice. Get ready for the most downloaded woman in the history of the Internet. You watch. She’s going prove the haters wrong.”