SAN FRANCISCO, California –
In November, experts were baffled after a giant skull of an unknown creature washed ashore on the beaches of San Francisco, leaving many to wonder how it was possible that the creature had gone unnoticed for so long.
“This is not some prehistoric skull that washed ashore after millions of years tumbling under the waves,” said research scientist Anthony Moore back in January when the first skull was found. “This is a creature that died only a short while ago, probably within the last 2 years. It’s mind-boggling that there could be a creature out there of this size, and no one had seen it previously.”
On Monday, a second skull washed ashore, just 3 miles down the coast from the original finding. Experts say they are still conducting studies to determine the origins of the skulls. Public interest has been at an all-time high after the announcement was made by the California Coast Guard of Monday’s findings.
“We are extremely excited, although slightly terrified, that these skulls continue to was ashore,” said Marine Biologist Joel Gluck. “As we mentioned back in November, these creatures are going unnoticed in our waters, and dying, and washing ashore. Based on their size, they could level a killer whale if need be, so we’re extremely interested in determining its methods of staying undetected.”
The Coast Guards warns that if more skulls continue to appear, they may be forced to close the beaches for an undetermined amount of time, until it is cleared for safety reasons.
LANSING, Virginia –
Verizon Wireless, the nation’s largest cell phone carrier, announced today that it would be shutting down its network for the month of November for a slew of upgrades and maintenance to its vast array of towers throughout the country.
“We completely understand the issues this may cause, but at the same time, we receive massive complaints about our speeds and dead zones,” said Verizon CEO Mark Rodgers. “Although we would love to not have to take the entire network offline, it will make it easier for our technicians to work on the equipment. Come December 1st, we’ll be back up and running and faster and stronger than ever.”
Many customers have already complained to Verizon, saying that they will switch to a new carrier if left without service for a month, but Rodgers said he isn’t worried.
“Who are they going to switch to? T-Mobile? AT&T? Please, those companies are shit, and they know it,” said Rodgers. “They’ll stick it out with us, and in the end, they’ll be happy they did.”
Rodgers says that Verizon will not be pro-rating any charges for the downtime; customers will be expected to pay their bill in full for the month of November as normal.
SACRAMENTO, California –
It already seemed like a major joke when, last week, Playboy magazine announced that it would no longer feature nude women, and instead would focus on the articles and interviews. The company, who removed nudity from their website in 2013, did say that they would keep the one piece of nudity that everyone loved: the centerfold.
Continuing with the idea of making their subscription numbers as low as possible, Playboy announced that November’s issue would feature Caitlyn Jenner, fully nude, as the centerfold.
“We are very excited to have Caitlyn join our long line of prestigious centerfolds,” said Playboy owner Hugh Hefner, 104. “And what a glorious time to have a she-man in the magazine. In 2015, we can have a black man as president, and we can have a chick with a dick in the Playboy centerfold. Readers-shmeaders. Everyone will want to buy this issue.”
Jenner could not be reached for comment, but her reps said that she is “extremely excited” to show the world her new, woman-ish body that still has a penis.