Verizon Wireless Says Service Will Go Down For Scheduled Maintenance Nov. 1 – Nov. 30

LANSING, Virginia – 

Verizon Wireless, the nation’s largest cell phone carrier, announced today that it would be shutting down its network for the month of November for a slew of upgrades and maintenance to its vast array of towers throughout the country.

“We completely understand the issues this may cause, but at the same time, we receive massive complaints about our speeds and dead zones,” said Verizon CEO Mark Rodgers. “Although we would love to not have to take the entire network offline, it will make it easier for our technicians to work on the equipment. Come December 1st, we’ll be back up and running and faster and stronger than ever.”

Many customers have already complained to Verizon, saying that they will switch to a new carrier if left without service for a month, but Rodgers said he isn’t worried.

“Who are they going to switch to? T-Mobile? AT&T? Please, those companies are shit, and they know it,” said Rodgers. “They’ll stick it out with us, and in the end, they’ll be happy they did.”

Rodgers says that Verizon will not be pro-rating any charges for the downtime; customers will be expected to pay their bill in full for the month of November as normal.

FCC Gives OK For AT&T Purchase Of Verizon Wireless

FCC Gives OK For AT&T Purchase Of Verizon Wireless

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – 

Verizon Wireless CEO Dan Mead announced this past Friday that their wireless company and its entire network is set to be purchased by rival AT&T.

After increased speculation of the merger, the two carriers arranged the conference to discuss the resolution of Wednesdays FCC meeting and approval. After keeping the deal quiet for the two years it’s taken for the FCC to give the go-ahead, the companies say they are glad to be able to make the information public.

“Verizon wireless has had a successful hand at the wireless industry, and we’ve exceeded all possibilities since PrimeCo. As a company, we would like to see another carrier try its hand at covering everywhere on top of their own already stellar coverage. It’s time for us to focus on other ventures, and leave cell phones to hot shots like John Leger and Randall Stephenson!”

Many customers were alarmed by the news, as no newsletter or update was sent to customers when the proposition was even approved for submission to the FCC. Outraged customers and patrons of the company alike have been bombarding VZW and AT&T offices day and night with requests for new phones and plan changes before the company merger takes effect.

“They’re going to kill all of our services,” said Verizon subscriber Joe Goldsmith. “It’s like when Verizon bought out Unicel, and I had to get a whole new phone, change plans, all that shit. It was a pain. All it did for me was give me more headaches and a higher bill. AT&T is bound to raise prices again, because that’s what these companies do. I swear to God, I’m just going to go back to writing letters and calling people from a landline.”

The total buyout is set to take place January 2016, with transition plans for all customers moving service to AT&T. With all employment and service details not yet ironed out, both carriers are under a lot of heat due to the arrangement. While both companies maintain a loyal following, its hard to say what the future entails and whether or not their loyal customers will follow to a new company or what incentives will follow.

“We’ll make sure everyone is taken care of,” said AT&T spokesman Gerald Bryant. “I mean, once we become one company, and we change our name to AT&V, who knows what could happen. With the two biggest cell phone companies combined as one, we might just give free phones to anyone who asks! Who could stop us?!”

Sprint and T-Mobile had no comment on the merger, because they were too busy fighting for last place in the cellular market.

New ‘Bee Tax’ on Cell Phones May Drive Landline Comeback

WASHINGTON, D.C. – New Bee Tax on Cell Phones May Drive Landline Comeback

Recent technological reports have heralded the end of an era. There are no more payphones or dial tones, and slowly but surely, elderly landline subscribers have died off or finally learned to text. Don’t throw away your old cordless phone yet, though! Because of a hefty new “Bee Tax,” landlines may soon be making a comeback. This new environmental “protection tax” will be approximately $25 dollars per line added to your current monthly cell phone bill. It is expected to make its appearance on all U.S. cell phone carriers, after the 911 Surcharge and Federal Excise Tax, by 2015.

Since the introduction of cellphones, the bee population has been on a well-documented decline. While humans can not perceive cell phone signals, communication between mobile phones and cell towers confuses bees, causing them to become disoriented. Unable to function normally, colonies of honey bees are steadily collapsing. Since honey-bees are crucial in pollination, this presents a huge problem. For some time now the USDA has denied any correlation between cell phones and bee colony collapse, but it has reached a point where farmers are seeing an impact nationwide.

“It has become clear that cell-phone use needs to be limited.” Said Peter Mayer, a representative for the USDA. “Cell phone rates will go up, but we need to encourage more landline usage. Aren’t you sick of that whole ‘can you hear me now’ stuff anyway?”

While landline phone stock has steadily declined on Wall Street, financial experts are now predicting a surge in value. Among other companies, Verizon, Fairpoint Communications, and even MagicJack and Vonage stocks have both gone up in demand. Roy Chestnut, chief financial officer of Verizon, reportedly has plans in motion to buy back some territory that was sold off to smaller companies in preparation of customer switching back to landline phones.

The “Bee-Tax” regulation is rapidly making its way through the senate and house, and inside sources say President Obama is not expected to veto the bill. Environmentally concerned democrats and fiscally tight republicans both support the measure.

“Hey, I’m for it. It will encourage competition and create jobs – and most importantly, it’ll help America’s backbone, the farmer.” Said Republican senate leader Mitch McConnel of Kentucky. “Nothing is more important to America and the future of this country than the farming industry.”

When questioned about those people that would not be able to afford cell phone service if taxed an extra $25 per line, McConnel did not seem concerned.

“These welfare folk and the like can just spend less money on getting their nails done, crack, and cable TV, and then they can come up with [the money]. Or they can share a landline – which was a luxury in my day and age. We definitely aren’t going to be able to fund government subsidized programs like food stamps if the honey bees done-die-out now, are we?”

Twitter Launching New Paid Service With 200 Character Limit

SAN FRANSISCO, California – empire-news-twitter-launches-paid-service-twit-pro-extra-characters-new-features

Twitter [NYSE: TWTR] may have finally put an end to the jokes about getting all your thoughts down in 140 characters or less, as this morning they announced their new paid service, dubbed Twit-Pro, which allows users an additional 60 characters per ‘tweet,’ bringing the total to 200.

“We are very excited to be debuting our new paid service, Twit-Pro, to the world.” Said Jack Dorsey, Chairman. “This new Twitter experience should help those micro-bloggers out there who want to say what they’re thinking and feeling, but need more than 140 characters to do it. We think it’s a huge leap forward for the Twittersphere.”

Twit-Pro, which Dorsey said will be fully integrated into existing Twitter apps for all platforms, as well as the Twitter website by the beginning of next month, will allow users the ability to pay a nominal monthly fee in exchange for the extra 60 characters when tweeting. Dorsey did not say how much they would be charging, but he did say they had worked out deals with all major U.S. cell phone carriers to allow users to bill directly to their provider.

Aside from just allowing for extra characters, Twit-Pro is also going to be offering the option of recording and posting videos into the user’s Twitter feed, with recording time up to 45 seconds.

“We wanted to take the best experiences you find on all social media, the most popular apps and websites, and combine them. We will now be allowing users to use more characters and record short video tweets, much like Vine, and embed them directly to all your followers. The days of linking and using other services to post into your Twitter feed are coming to an end. We want everything to be handled right by our own service.”

Other features announced with Twit-Pro are a song and media identifier, so you can instantly tweet the song or TV show you are watching just by letting your phone “listen” to the sounds around you, as well as a check-in feature that will let users mark down places they’ve visited with links to reviews for restaurants, movies, night clubs, or even national parks and resorts.

Twit-Pro is slated to become a live feature in the next Twitter update, scheduled for July 1st on Android, July 7th on the iPhone, and July 13th for Windows OS.

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