Samsung Plans To Finally Purchase Rival Apple; Cost $180B

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Samsung, the leading manufacturer for smartphones in the U.S., has reportedly placed a bid to purchase Apple, Inc., their main competitor in the tablet and cell phone market.

“It is true we’ve discussed buy-out options with Apple board members and some major shareholders,” said Boo-Keun Yoon, CEO of Samsung. “At this time, the talks are just that, and no actual considerations have been made.”

Samsung and Apple have had a tense relationship over the years, as each company has taken the other to court over numerous patent infringements. At the same time, Samsung had, until recently, been making many of the internal components for some of Apple’s biggest product lines, including hard drives for the Apple Macbooks, and screens and other internal hardware in iPads and iPods.

Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, says that a buy-out from their main competitor could be a major boost to the company.

“Financially speaking, we don’t need their money,” said Cook. “But from a design and innovation standpoint, any influx of ideas would be great for us. Since we stole the idea for the tablet and created the iPad all those years ago, we’ve yet to introduce anything of major substance. Our product lines are stagnant, and there hasn’t been a significant design change to our flagship product, the iPhone, for years. Samsung’s design team would be a big help in innovating our product lines.”

Samsung products, which run almost exclusively on the Android operating system, have recently surpassed sales of the Apple iPhone, making them the number-one smartphone manufacturer in the world.

“With our great lineup of tablets and phones, which can be purchased at a fraction of the cost of the iPhone, we have no idea why anyone would continue to choose Apple. Apparently, the market finally agrees with us,” said Yoon. “Yes, if you want a computer, the Apple lineup is the only way to go. But when it comes to phones and tablets, our products can do everything that the Apple products can – but faster, better, and with more customization and app options. If we are able to purchase Apple, and that’s a big if at this point, then we will use our knowledge of the marketplace, and explain to them what people really want out of their devices.”

The proposed buyout would cost Samsung a reported $180 billion dollars in cash and stock options.

FCC Gives OK For AT&T Purchase Of Verizon Wireless

Posted on March 14, 2015 by DesireeAmber

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

Verizon Wireless CEO Dan Mead announced this past Friday that their wireless company and its entire network is set to be purchased by rival AT&T.

After increased speculation of the merger, the two carriers arranged the conference to discuss the resolution of Wednesdays FCC meeting and approval. After keeping the deal quiet for the two years it’s taken for the FCC to give the go-ahead, the companies say they are glad to be able to make the information public.

“Verizon wireless has had a successful hand at the wireless industry, and we’ve exceeded all possibilities since PrimeCo. As a company, we would like to see another carrier try its hand at covering everywhere on top of their own already stellar coverage. It’s time for us to focus on other ventures, and leave cell phones to hot shots like John Leger and Randall Stephenson!”

Many customers were alarmed by the news, as no newsletter or update was sent to customers when the proposition was even approved for submission to the FCC. Outraged customers and patrons of the company alike have been bombarding VZW and AT&T offices day and night with requests for new phones and plan changes before the company merger takes effect.

“They’re going to kill all of our services,” said Verizon subscriber Joe Goldsmith. “It’s like when Verizon bought out Unicel, and I had to get a whole new phone, change plans, all that shit. It was a pain. All it did for me was give me more headaches and a higher bill. AT&T is bound to raise prices again, because that’s what these companies do. I swear to God, I’m just going to go back to writing letters and calling people from a landline.”

The total buyout is set to take place January 2016, with transition plans for all customers moving service to AT&T. With all employment and service details not yet ironed out, both carriers are under a lot of heat due to the arrangement. While both companies maintain a loyal following, its hard to say what the future entails and whether or not their loyal customers will follow to a new company or what incentives will follow.

“We’ll make sure everyone is taken care of,” said AT&T spokesman Gerald Bryant. “I mean, once we become one company, and we change our name to AT&V, who knows what could happen. With the two biggest cell phone companies combined as one, we might just give free phones to anyone who asks! Who could stop us?!”

Sprint and T-Mobile had no comment on the merger, because they were too busy fighting for last place in the cellular market.

Sprint Looks To Buy T-Mobile; Plans To Completely Dissolve Company

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OVERLAND PARK, Kansas –

Negotiations have begun for Sprint, the third largest wireless company in the US, to purchase T-Mobile, the fourth largest wireless company, from their parent Deutsche Telekom. The merger is reported to be worth approximately $32 billion, with part being paid in cash and part in stock, a typical option for deals of this size.

Assuming that the FCC approves the deal, Sprint has stated that their plans for T-Mobile would be to phase it out completely, while converting their customers into the Sprint family. The T-Mobile network, which runs on the much faster GSM technology would remain intact, with Sprint converting their handsets to take advantage of the higher speeds necessary for such a large subscriber base and congested network. Combined, Sprint and T-Mobile would have nearly 100 million customers.

“We feel very strongly that there is absolutely no need for T-Mobile to continue on as a company once our purchase is cleared.” Said Dan Hesse, chairman of Sprint Corp. US. “They’ve done some great things for the wireless world in the last year or two, but it’s nothing that we can’t continue without them. If this merger happens, it will definitely be the end for T-Mobile.”

The news that T-Mobile could possibly be closing their doors hit hard for many employees in the company, especially low-ranking retail and call center workers, who just went through a similarly stressful situation a few years ago when AT&T was looking to purchase T-Mobile. That merger was denied by FCC regulators, citing laws against creating a monopoly within the industry.

“It’s extremely disheartening, the idea of them shutting us down.” Said Christopher Pike, a call center employee. “I was here when AT&T came strutting through, and tried to pick us up. It was horrible, stressful. No one knew what was going to happen. This is almost worse, because they’ve already told us that we’re going to be out of a job if this buyout is approved.”

Jon Legere, CEO of T-Mobile, doesn’t seem too worried about keeping a job within the company if the buy-out happens. Legere, who has only been with T-Mobile for the last couple of years, has become an outspoken president, known for his profanity-laced speeches calling out AT&T and Verizon for their “shady” practices and their old-school mentality.

“I always talked about AT&T, Verizon – I rarely ever talked any [expletive] about Sprint, because I knew this was going to happen eventually. It’s no surprise to me. You can’t be #4 in the game forever without #3 knocking on your door. Well, the door is open now, and it’s about time I take off this magenta shirt and start thinking about how I’m going to look in yellow.”

With T-Mobile inevitably on the route to the end, many customers who recently switched from Sprint were delighted that they would be able to go back.

“I switched over to T-Mobile when my contract with Sprint ran out. Needed to try something new, ya know?” Said Alex Winter, a long time Sprint subscriber. “They don’t have contracts, sure, but they suckered me into buying a phone for $750, and with monthly payments, it’s going to take 2 damn years to pay off, so it’s basically the same thing. I can’t leave them without paying an arm and a leg to get rid of this phone, and their service is terrible. I can’t wait to get back with Sprint.”

As of this writing, there were no definite terms completed for the possible buyout, with representatives for Sprint and T-Mobile refusing to comment.