First Lady Michelle Obama Reveals Her Secret Black Metal Music Fetish

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

First lady Michelle Obama would be the last person you would think of when it comes to famous celebrities who listen to heavy metal or any sort of rock music, but as it turns out, the first lady is a huge fan of extremely vile, heavy, and extreme metal and grindcore bands.

“Oh my God, yes, I love it,” said Obama when she was questioned about a recent image of her showing off some of her CD collection. “I grew up on gospel songs and pop music, and when I marred Barack, he turned me on to some of the heavier stuff, and I was hooked. Then I started branching out on my own. I love this heavy stuff so much!”

According to Obama, she listens to death metal and grindcore while she works out.

“Nothing gets the blood pumping more than some Vulvectomy or some Anal Cunt,” said Obama, proudly displaying her Post Abortion Slut Fuck album. “When you want to relax, there are plenty of great bands. But when you want to really tear some shit up, there’s nothing quite like some heavy, dark, and pulsing metal.”

For Christmas, the first lady said she received new albums by Rotting Flesh Corpse, Dismembered Fetal Fucks, and Solid Core Enema.

“Barack knows me so well,” quipped The First Lady.

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Michelle Obama has made a name for herself as a particularly active and community-oriented first lady. Now the mastermind between the Healthy Eating Act is taking her public relations a step further. She has announced that she will be posing fully nude in an upcoming Playboy centerfold.

“Women’s issues are always at the top of my agenda,” she stated in an open letter to the public. “Something that has plagued modern day females is expectations of modesty and shame about how they look. While women such as Lena Dunham have done their bit to change the norms of girls being ashamed to show their ‘societally imperfect’ bodies, the First Lady appearing naked will make body pride all the more normal.”

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President Obama has expressed his support and delight at his wife’s announcement.

“Michelle is a very sexy lady. She should have the privilege that any other woman has, to show the sides of herself that she chooses,” he told the press. “The First Lady has the right to bare arms. And legs. And thighs, and breasts.”

Conservative radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has used his platform to bemoan what he calls “proof that liberals are bringing on the Apocalypse.”

“First, they took over Hollywood and practically turned acting into nothing more than pornography,” he raged. “Now they are going way too far. The First Lady should be a role model, not a Playboy model. What about the children? Has she forgotten about the children?”

But not all conservatives feel the same way. Republican senator Mitch Mcconnell has voiced his approval at the groundbreaking news.

“I think it’s sweet,” he wrote on his blog, ‘Republican Matters’. “Michelle is a close friend of mine, and I’ve always thought she’d look good in the buff. If anything, it’s a travesty she’s kept her body from us this long. The First Lady belongs to the people, and the people have spoken. It is time to see Michelle Obama’s lady bits.”

Court Jester Set to Perform at Democratic Party Dinner

Court Jester Set to Perform at Democratic Party Dinner

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The official spokesman of the White House has announced in the public square that the court jester will be performing at the upcoming party being hosted by the Democratic Party. His services are being employed for the first time this decade, after his last disastrous mishap at the First Lady’s banquet. The public is expected to be given pavilions from which to watch the official jester’s performance on a first come first serve basis.

“This is very exciting,” said one peasant. “I’ve heard so much about this dude’s talent, and I just can’t wait to watch him juggle, jest, and make a fool of himself for our entertainment.”

Lord of the court, Barack Obama, says that the renewal of the loyal servant’s services is appropriate, due to the climate of the times.

“We need some lightheartedness to bring to our people,” he told his aides. “With nuclear weaponry, sewerage, and the plague of Ebola having cast a dark cloud over our beloved country for the past few years, it is time to welcome our most important entertainer back from exile.”

The jester was sent into exile in 2006, after he spilled blood on then first lady Bush’s elegant gown. He was in the middle of a caper in which he cut open a large growth he had been cultivating on his forearm, and had grown to massive proportions. Unfortunately, as he stuck in the knife, the pressure from the growth caused a massive expulsion of blood and pus into the crowd, contaminating viceroy Dick Cheney and First Lady Bush.  The administration sent him to live in the dark jungles of Africa, where he was recently located and returned to our shores.

In his own statement to the local press, the jester said that he was “grateful to the king and all his servants who worked to restore my honor. I have learned from my mistakes and will exercise the necessary caution this time when I cut off my manhood for the entertainment of my dear leaders. I promise that this time there will be no stray blood, urine or even semen.”

President Obama’s 16-Year-Old Daughter Malia Confirmed Pregnant

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama's 16-Year-Old Daughter Malia Confirmed Pregnant

In what promises to be the biggest White House scandal since intern fellatio, President Barack Obama’s daughter, 16-year-old Malia, has confirmed that she is pregnant.

Sources say Malia is now in her second trimester. Mother and First Lady, Michelle Obama, says that although she will be a grandmother much younger than she planned, teen pregnancy runs in the family.

“On her father’s side of course. My mother-in-law had Barack when she was 18, so I see where Malia gets it from. I’m just so excited to decorate the nursery. The White House hasn’t seen a baby since oh, 1884 or so.”

For now, Malia is staying hush-hush about the father’s identity, but one thing she would say is that he is white. “My mom always hoped I would get with a nice mixed-race man like dad, but love is so colorblind. Mom was probably right though. The dad already left me for some tramp. And of course, like all white men, my baby-daddy won’t want to pay his child support. I already told him, ‘You want to keep your license so you can drive that bleach-blond tramp around in your little Jaguar, right? Better step up.’”

Despite her future motherhood, Malia is still considering her college options. “It’s not like Stanford or Berkeley are going to, like, turn me down for being a teen mother. Hello, I’m the president’s daughter. This doesn’t ruin my plans for a future at all. I can probably get a book deal out of this in a few years. MTV already offered to give me my own show, White House Baby-Momma-Drama or something stupidly titled like that. I was like, no way – that’s so white trash.”

President Obama says he is being supportive of his daughter, despite being as outraged as any father would be if his young daughter announced an unexpected pregnancy. “We’re all very relieved this little blessing happened, and thankfully in my second term.” When asked about his daughter’s ex-boyfriend, he replied, “He’s just lucky I didn’t have him erased. Don’t mess with the Commander-in-Chief, homeboy. Ever hear of the Secret Service? Regardless, we’re sure he’ll come around.”

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