Woman Arrested After Spanking Her 28-Year-Old Daughter Over Her Parenting Techniques

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

Karen Stillwell, 52, was arrested after spanking her 28-year-old daughter, Renee Stillwell who allergy spanked her two year old unjustly. Karen Stillwell told local news, “She spanked that precious little baby, so I gave her a little slap on the behind to show her how it feels.”

Renee had a neighbor photograph pictures of the handprint on her behind and then called the police. “It wasn’t a little spanking. She tackled me to the ground and whacked me repeatedly,” said Renee Stillwell. “I’m not going to take that kind of abuse, especially not from my psycho mother. She hit me enough growing up. The only person who gets to hit me like that is my husband, but really, only if he’s a good boy and I don’t have a headache.”

When asked if she spanked her daughter as a child, Stillwell said she did, but only with good reason. “She was a willful little brat, always trying to get into my candy stash and her dad’s potato sticks. She deserved it. My grandson, that sweet little angel didn’t deserve it. He was just being mouthy, calling his mother a ‘fucking bitch,’ which, sad to say about my own daughter, is entirely true. It’s easy to see it’s a completely different situation.”

Dad Arrested For Accidently Sending His Daughter A Picture Of His Penis

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SEATTLE, Washington –

A father of 3 is facing jail time for indecency after accidentally sending his daughter a picture that was meant to go to a female friend.

James Osborne, age 36, sent a picture of his erect penis to his 14-year-old daughter and, after she told her mother, Osborne was arrested and questioned by local police. Osborne has been divorced to his wife for 7 years, but says he still plays a “big, thick part” in their lives. He told police he was unaware that he even made the “silly, veiny” mistake until he was arrested, and claims if his daughter came to him first he could have explained the gaffe.

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“It was just a mix-up. This kind of thing happens all the time, really. I mean, my wife divorced me because she found a whole cache of images I had mistakenly texted to my secretary when I meant to text them to her. They had the same name, though, so it was really not my fault. That’s what happened here, too – my daughter’s name is Kelly, and the woman I am seeing is also named Kelly, so it was really just a mistake. A simple boner, if you will,” said Osborne. “It’s really my bitch ex-wife’s fault that everything is just getting so damn hard for me now.”

“This will teach him to take dick pics for every tramp he meets,” said Osborne’s ex-wife, Nancy. “Sadly, we’re going to be paying for Kelly’s therapy for quite some time. I don’t think she’s bound to just get over this any time soon. Hopefully this will teach the bastard to stick to taking pictures of his meals for Instagram, and not that sad excuse for a penis.”

Local police say that “insext” crimes are looked at just as seriously as actual incest crimes, and that this is the 34th case they’ve had of a parent texting images of their genitals to their children this month.

Elderly Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

BURNSVILLE, West Virginia – 

94-year-old Margaret Holmwood from Burnsville, West Virginia gave a birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday morning, and both mother and baby are reportedly doing fine. The baby, named Mary, weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Margaret Holmwood already has two previous children. Her first, Jeremy Halmwood, is now 62 years old, and her daughter, Jennifer, is 71. Reporters reached out to Jeremy to discuss how he felt about having a new sibling who is over 60 years younger than he is.

“Well, it’s a little bit strange, I admit, but my mother has always been an unconventional woman. She divorced my father and married a man 48 years younger her junior,” said Jeremy Halmwood. “Three years ago, she climbed Mount Everest. She dances cha-cha at at a local dance studio every other day. I’m not so very surprised. At least my grandchildren will have some company to play with.”

Doctors from St. Mary’s Medical Center are impressed with Hollwood’s strength and young spirit. “Mrs. Holmwood has lived a very healthy lifestyle. Even though she is 94, she has the body of a 40-year-old. The birth was simple, we encountered no difficulties. It’s incredible,” says Dr. Patrick Collins.

Holmwood is interested in Eastern philosophy. She practices yoga and tai chi, eats only organic vegetables and lots of rice. She claims this is the way to stay young and fit for many, many years. “In my free time, I dance, climb, cook vegan delights. I don’t sit in front of TV with a bag of chips. I feel full of energy, and I am ready to raise Mary now,” says Margaret. “They will certainly keep me young. I only hope these ol’ teats will still deliver. God knows that no baby likes powdered milk!”

According to the doctors, Holmwood is a proof that people could live longer and age slower.

“She’s a miracle of modern health and science,” said Dr. Collins. “I only hope that when I’m 94, I’m half as energetic as Margaret.”

Identity of Malia Obama’s Baby-Daddy Is Leaked – You’ll Never Believe Who The Father Is!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Identity of Malia Obama's Baby-Daddy Is Leaked - You’ll Never Believe Who The Father Is

Now just over four months in to her pregnancy, spanks will soon stop concealing Malia’s budding baby bump when she appears in public with her family.

“They got on my case about rolling my eyes at the Turkey pardoning. Truth is, I was super nauseous,” said Malia. “Ever tried to stand in front of thousands of people, with cameras and lights everywhere, and all you want to do is puke? I begged Daddy not to have to go, but appearances are all that matters to anybody around here.”

When asked about the possible paternity of Malia’s baby, White House representatives have no official comment at this time, instead deflecting by saying the Obama’s are having a nice family vacation away from ‘all this nonsense.’

Sources at Malia’s school, though, claim that they are fully aware of who the father is, and they say that it’s not who everyone first suspected.

“At first we all, like, thought she was just lying about the whole thing to get her old boyfriend Conner back. Conner and Malia hardly ever got alone time, ’cause of like, the secret service and paparazzi everywhere and stupid stuff like that, so Conner broke it off,” says Amanda, a 17-year-old ‘frenemy’ of Malia’s. “But that made Malia, like, super pissed and totally jello. So, she made a big deal in the media about how her baby-daddy wasn’t going to pay his child support because he was white. It was so racist. It totally broke Conner’s heart, too. But like, don’t worry about Conner. I’m keeping him, like, totally happy now.”

According to Amy, though, the real father was never Conner at all. “What I heard from another friend at school that is like, super close with Malia is that [Malia] has always had a thing for someone in the royal family,” said Amy. “She totally likes men in power, of course. When you’re, like, rich, or like, the president’s daughter, that probably just happens naturally. Anyway, apparently Malia snuck off with Prince Harry a couple of times when he was visiting the U.S. I think he’s like, totally gotta be the father. Which is like, so gross, because he’s really old. At least when she has the baby, they’re going to have, like, the best nannies that money can buy.”

The Obamas are currently on vacation in Hawaii, and had ‘nothing to say’ on the matter. No members of the Royal Family could be reached for comment.

President Obama’s 16-Year-Old Daughter Malia Confirmed Pregnant

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama's 16-Year-Old Daughter Malia Confirmed Pregnant

In what promises to be the biggest White House scandal since intern fellatio, President Barack Obama’s daughter, 16-year-old Malia, has confirmed that she is pregnant.

Sources say Malia is now in her second trimester. Mother and First Lady, Michelle Obama, says that although she will be a grandmother much younger than she planned, teen pregnancy runs in the family.

“On her father’s side of course. My mother-in-law had Barack when she was 18, so I see where Malia gets it from. I’m just so excited to decorate the nursery. The White House hasn’t seen a baby since oh, 1884 or so.”

For now, Malia is staying hush-hush about the father’s identity, but one thing she would say is that he is white. “My mom always hoped I would get with a nice mixed-race man like dad, but love is so colorblind. Mom was probably right though. The dad already left me for some tramp. And of course, like all white men, my baby-daddy won’t want to pay his child support. I already told him, ‘You want to keep your license so you can drive that bleach-blond tramp around in your little Jaguar, right? Better step up.’”

Despite her future motherhood, Malia is still considering her college options. “It’s not like Stanford or Berkeley are going to, like, turn me down for being a teen mother. Hello, I’m the president’s daughter. This doesn’t ruin my plans for a future at all. I can probably get a book deal out of this in a few years. MTV already offered to give me my own show, White House Baby-Momma-Drama or something stupidly titled like that. I was like, no way – that’s so white trash.”

President Obama says he is being supportive of his daughter, despite being as outraged as any father would be if his young daughter announced an unexpected pregnancy. “We’re all very relieved this little blessing happened, and thankfully in my second term.” When asked about his daughter’s ex-boyfriend, he replied, “He’s just lucky I didn’t have him erased. Don’t mess with the Commander-in-Chief, homeboy. Ever hear of the Secret Service? Regardless, we’re sure he’ll come around.”

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