Sinister Secrets Of Your Local ‘House of Pizza’ And The Illuminati

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Sinister Secrets Of Your Local 'House of Pizza' And The Illuminati

EVERYTOWN, USA –

Ever wonder why there is a House of Pizza located in every small town in America? The truth is more incredible than you can imagine.

Conspiracy-theory expert, Paul Young claims he uncovered documents that will send shockwaves through the internet. He obtained them while employed as night manager at his local House of Pizza. “People need to realize these Greeks aren’t just about slinging subs and calzones. They’re more concerned about setting themselves up in positions of power in the New World Order.”

Young claims his suspicions started when he got a look at the books. “There was no way we were making as much as they claimed. At first I thought they must be laundering money. The owner was visited by mysterious men in suits, so it all made sense.”

When another employee discovered Illuminati symbols stamped on the underside of a table, Young became concerned. “I started digging into the files in the office, and I made a shocking discovery. All these Houses of Pizza are connected, forming a network of sleeper cells around the country. Don’t believe me? I’ve found the mark of the all-seeing eye under many House of Pizza tables. I suggest you look for yourselves.

Although many believe the Order of the Illuminati is no longer active, Paul insists that’s just what they want you to think. “There is abundant evidence that the Illuminati exists and our leaders are just puppets with no real control. I have studied it extensively on Youtube. Anyone with a computer can confirm this. The problem is the masses just believe whatever they’re told by mainstream media.”

Identity of Malia Obama’s Baby-Daddy Is Leaked – You’ll Never Believe Who The Father Is!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Identity of Malia Obama's Baby-Daddy Is Leaked - You’ll Never Believe Who The Father Is

Now just over four months in to her pregnancy, spanks will soon stop concealing Malia’s budding baby bump when she appears in public with her family.

“They got on my case about rolling my eyes at the Turkey pardoning. Truth is, I was super nauseous,” said Malia. “Ever tried to stand in front of thousands of people, with cameras and lights everywhere, and all you want to do is puke? I begged Daddy not to have to go, but appearances are all that matters to anybody around here.”

When asked about the possible paternity of Malia’s baby, White House representatives have no official comment at this time, instead deflecting by saying the Obama’s are having a nice family vacation away from ‘all this nonsense.’

Sources at Malia’s school, though, claim that they are fully aware of who the father is, and they say that it’s not who everyone first suspected.

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“At first we all, like, thought she was just lying about the whole thing to get her old boyfriend Conner back. Conner and Malia hardly ever got alone time, ’cause of like, the secret service and paparazzi everywhere and stupid stuff like that, so Conner broke it off,” says Amanda, a 17-year-old ‘frenemy’ of Malia’s. “But that made Malia, like, super pissed and totally jello. So, she made a big deal in the media about how her baby-daddy wasn’t going to pay his child support because he was white. It was so racist. It totally broke Conner’s heart, too. But like, don’t worry about Conner. I’m keeping him, like, totally happy now.”

According to Amy, though, the real father was never Conner at all. “What I heard from another friend at school that is like, super close with Malia is that [Malia] has always had a thing for someone in the royal family,” said Amy. “She totally likes men in power, of course. When you’re, like, rich, or like, the president’s daughter, that probably just happens naturally. Anyway, apparently Malia snuck off with Prince Harry a couple of times when he was visiting the U.S. I think he’s like, totally gotta be the father. Which is like, so gross, because he’s really old. At least when she has the baby, they’re going to have, like, the best nannies that money can buy.”

The Obamas are currently on vacation in Hawaii, and had ‘nothing to say’ on the matter. No members of the Royal Family could be reached for comment.

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