WASHINGTON, D.C. –
An offensive tweet, posted by Trump’s aid Katrina Pierson, surfaced and has attracted attention from around the world. Katrina Pierson’s 2012 tweet referred to the two popular presidential candidates, asking, “Perfect Obama’s dad born in Africa, Mitt Romney’s dad born in Mexico. Any pure breeds left?”
Author JK Rowling was quick to respond, with “Death Eaters Walk Amongst Us.” In Harry Potter, Death Eaters are followers of evil Lord Voldemort, who were of “pure blood.” As Trump is a known racist, none were surprised that he was being called out as a Death Eater.
Although he did not understand the comment, Trump took offense, ensuring his cohorts that action would be taken against Rowling. “Neil Murray needs to rein in his wife. Rowling did not even take his name. We can see she’s the one who wants to wear the pants in this family. Well, she’s not in control in my house, and I can assure you, JK Rowling will never work in the United States again.”
Analysts consider this to be an unwise move by Trump, considering the millions of Harry Potter fans in the country ready to base their vote on Rowling’s tweets. Trump also seemed to be confused when he was informed that Rowling was not, in fact, an American citizen.
EVERYTOWN, USA –
Ever wonder why there is a House of Pizza located in every small town in America? The truth is more incredible than you can imagine.
Conspiracy-theory expert, Paul Young claims he uncovered documents that will send shockwaves through the internet. He obtained them while employed as night manager at his local House of Pizza. “People need to realize these Greeks aren’t just about slinging subs and calzones. They’re more concerned about setting themselves up in positions of power in the New World Order.”
Young claims his suspicions started when he got a look at the books. “There was no way we were making as much as they claimed. At first I thought they must be laundering money. The owner was visited by mysterious men in suits, so it all made sense.”
When another employee discovered Illuminati symbols stamped on the underside of a table, Young became concerned. “I started digging into the files in the office, and I made a shocking discovery. All these Houses of Pizza are connected, forming a network of sleeper cells around the country. Don’t believe me? I’ve found the mark of the all-seeing eye under many House of Pizza tables. I suggest you look for yourselves.
Although many believe the Order of the Illuminati is no longer active, Paul insists that’s just what they want you to think. “There is abundant evidence that the Illuminati exists and our leaders are just puppets with no real control. I have studied it extensively on Youtube. Anyone with a computer can confirm this. The problem is the masses just believe whatever they’re told by mainstream media.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The US government is reportedly considering replacing the current National Animal. The bald eagle has served as a symbol of the nation’s dreams and values since the 1700s, but policymakers no longer feel the sentiment is in line with the country’s current outlook. Instead, the sloth will take its place in American culture, representing how US citizens are seen by themselves as well as by the rest of the world.
“The bald eagle was originally chosen as a comparison to the ancient Romans, who also held the eagle as representative of their civilisation,” says political analyst, Jan Spencer. “It made sense for a long time, because we were a nation of immigrants – pioneers who did whatever it took to establish our own country. But now it’s more than a little out of place.”
Republican Senator John Persephone agreed with the sentiment, but warned that the sloth alone has important lackings.
“Yes, it’s the symbol of lethargy and inertia, and that’s pretty much most of America,” he told reporters. “And yes, it eats and becomes fat, and sleeps a lot, and leaves a lot to be desired in terms of appearance. But we cannot underestimate the greedy opportunism of the American people, which is represented so well by the bald eagle. It swoops out of the sky, catching up the unsuspecting small fry. It’s sneaky, in a sort of cowardly way. That’s what the USA is all about – maximum gain with minimum work, through dishonest means if necessary.”
Media outlets have since launched a campaign, urging viewers to help come up with the “next national animal of the American people.” The government has agreed to use the most popular choice in this important role. At present, Grumpy Cat is in third place; eagle in second; and sloth in first.