CUENCA, Ecuador –
Marlon Domingo, 16, did not think twice before risking his life to save a sloth that was trapped in the middle of the road. Drivers were going around the sloth, but Domingo knew it was only a matter of time before one was not paying attention.
The sloth seems to have started his journey across the road in the morning before traffic hit. Domingo encountered him in the middle of the morning rush and immediately dashed into traffic to save him. Because of an accident caused by Domingo, police came and blocked off the road, while the sloth was slowly edged to the other side of the road.
While the sloth is fine, a Brazilian couple was injured when they crashed their car into a guard rail. Even though the driver received treatment for whiplash and the passenger left with a broken nose, they say they are just happy the sloth is okay. “I got some cute pictures for Facebook with the sloth once my nose stopped bleeding, so it was all worth it,” commented Mrs. Velasco.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The internet’s second most loved animal after the cat, the sloth is an animal loved by many, although actually seen – in real life, anyway – by very few people. That will all change starting January 1st, as the US government plans to lift its ban on certain exotic animals, including the furry three-toed sloth.
“The world loves sloths almost as much as they love cute, furry kittens,” said USDA wildlife spokesman Gerard Bole. “After an online petition to allow sloths as pets was signed over 350,000 times on the change.org website, the USDA decided to work with the other branches of the government to establish laws that would allow three-toed sloths to be imported as pets for private citizens.”
In the past, only zoos and animal treatment and research facilities were allowed to import sloths, which reside mostly in central and south America. The new laws will allow anyone to import the sloth to keep as a pet in their own home.
LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –
A selective breeder from Kentucky has said that he has successfully combined the internet’s two most popular animals – the sloth and the cat – into one extremely cute animal.
“It took many years of genetic research, and plenty of time and effort,” said animal breeder Jeremy Richards. “Not to mention trying to entice a sloth to have sex with a cat. That was not easy. In the end, though, it’s all been worth it, because I’ve finally been able to breed a new animal, which I have dubbed the Slitten. Or, possible, the Cloth. I haven’t decided.”
Richards says he has been working on creating the “internet’s perfect animal” for the better part of 10 years.
“I’ve had success in the past combining rabbits and cats, cats and chickens, goats and beavers, all sorts of animals,” said Richards. “This is the first time, though, I was able to work with an exotic animal like a sloth.”
Richards says that he made the animal “purely for show,” and that he would not be selling them.
“I just want people to be able to admire them, but I don’t know their temperament or anything yet, so for now, they stay with me.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The US government is reportedly considering replacing the current National Animal. The bald eagle has served as a symbol of the nation’s dreams and values since the 1700s, but policymakers no longer feel the sentiment is in line with the country’s current outlook. Instead, the sloth will take its place in American culture, representing how US citizens are seen by themselves as well as by the rest of the world.
“The bald eagle was originally chosen as a comparison to the ancient Romans, who also held the eagle as representative of their civilisation,” says political analyst, Jan Spencer. “It made sense for a long time, because we were a nation of immigrants – pioneers who did whatever it took to establish our own country. But now it’s more than a little out of place.”
Republican Senator John Persephone agreed with the sentiment, but warned that the sloth alone has important lackings.
“Yes, it’s the symbol of lethargy and inertia, and that’s pretty much most of America,” he told reporters. “And yes, it eats and becomes fat, and sleeps a lot, and leaves a lot to be desired in terms of appearance. But we cannot underestimate the greedy opportunism of the American people, which is represented so well by the bald eagle. It swoops out of the sky, catching up the unsuspecting small fry. It’s sneaky, in a sort of cowardly way. That’s what the USA is all about – maximum gain with minimum work, through dishonest means if necessary.”
Media outlets have since launched a campaign, urging viewers to help come up with the “next national animal of the American people.” The government has agreed to use the most popular choice in this important role. At present, Grumpy Cat is in third place; eagle in second; and sloth in first.