Irate Americans Demand That Country Also Leave The EU

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USEU

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Britain’s stunning vote to leave the European Union is both historic and world-changing, but what does it really mean for Americans living on the other side of the Atlantic? Potentially, everything — the economy, national security, even the race for president will be affected.

Some Americans are now demanding that the United States follow suit and leave the EU.

Long distance trucker and self-proclaimed patriot, George Holt, says that Americans need to be independent from the rest of the world. “I been driving back and forth cross America for nearly 20 years, and I’m telling you things have changed. We need to be our own nation and stop all these damn Mexicans and Muslims from coming here to live off my tax dollars. If we leave the EU, our borders will be secure and our land will be ours again.”

Disability recipient, Janet Hagelund says America should leave the EU immediately. “Did you know the United States is required to pay a tax to them? And they want to control everything. More people should educate themselves about what really is going on…Plus they’re a bunch of socialists.”

When Hagelund was asked if she meant the UN, not the European Union, she admitted she had been mistaken. “Yeah, them guys,” said Hagelund.

Trump Buys Land On Mexican Border To Begin Constructing Wall

trump

NOGALEZ, Arizona – 

Presidential candidate Donald Trump has said that if he is elected president, he will force Mexico to build a wall between the countries to keep immigrants out, but apparently he is starting earlier than expected. According to land-purchase agreements, Trump has reportedly begun buying massive amounts of land throughout Texas and Arizona, with teams hired to begin building the wall – on his own dime.

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“Mr. Trump hired my firm to begin building a wall out of hardened concrete, which he has specified will need to be at least 20 feet wide and at least 75 feet tall,” said Carl Groves, owner of Groves Construction and Concrete in Nogalez, Arizona. “He’s asked us not to disclose the amount he’s paying, but it is a fairly large figure, I will confirm that.”

So far, according to paperwork filed with the towns, Trump has purchased over 200,000 acres of bare farmland directly on the border of Mexico, and according to insiders in his campaign, he plans to purchase at least another million acres over the remainder of the year.

“Mr. Trump wants to get a jump start on this process, so that when he is elected, the wall is already being worked on to completion,” said Rebecca Heartwell, who works on the Trump campaign. “Although he was planning on making Mexico pay for it, he realized that having a significant portion worked on would help to entice both the US and Mexican governments to pick up the slack when he becomes Commander in Chief.”

National Garbage Tax Coming In 2016

garbage

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Garbage is America’s biggest export, and soon taxpayers will be expected to foot the bill. New measures will include a garbage bag tax, as well as additional taxes on products that exceed a certain amount of packaging, which will be passed along to consumers who buy the products.

Economist Allon Ardon says this will damage the economy. “I’m very concerned about the economic impacts we will see as a result of this new tax. The American economy is based upon being able to throw things away with no second thoughts. People may actually start donating unwanted goods to charity or re-using trash. This could be disastrous.”

Hoarders will benefit from this bill, receiving a tax credit of up to $3,000, with documentation that they are collecting trash.

Ardon says, “They trash isn’t the problem. Exporting it is. We need to get create with managing our garbage.”

Hoarder Bill Willis says that he is now “extremely grateful” for all the junk he’s collected over the years.

“My tax guy says that next year I’ll get a big fat check thanks to all the shit I’ve had socked away all these years,” said Willis. “It’s really something else. I only wish my bitch ex-wife were still around to see me gloat. She told me that my stuff was worthless, we’ll screw you, Debbie!”

 

Man Arrested for Eating Bald Eagle

Man Arrested for Eating Bald Eagle

DALLAS, Texas – 

Texans are calling for the death penalty for a man accused of disrespecting America in the worst possible way, shooting and eating a bald eagle.

Larry Tucker says the eagle asked for it. “Damn bird kept picking off my chickens so I shot it. A man has a right to protect his livestock from predators.”

Arrested under the Eagle Protection act, Tucker expected to be fined for poaching and sent on his way. Because he admitted to broiling the bird, he now faces additional charges. Although his lawyer advises him there is no way he will actually get the death penalty, the public outrage against him has really hurt Tucker’s feelings.”

“I’m not un-American. Got a flag on my front porch like everybody else. I’ve always liked to try different meats, and it would have been a waste if I didn’t eat the damn thing. I truly regret it. Damn thing didn’t even taste good.”

Israel Does More Stuff That Americans Pretend To Care About

Israel Does More Stuff That Americans Pretend To Care About

JERUSALEM, Israel – 

BREAKING NEWS: leaders in Israel are currently doing stuff, things, and other stuff. As news of this reaches the United States, many citizens are shocked, outraged, proud, happy, and unsurprised.

Empire News took to the streets to hear what people have to say about the most recent actions of That One Guy, the Prime Minister of Israel.

“It’s crazy,” Rajesh, 22, said, “The way they treat their people is just unacceptable… I have such strong opinions about this.”

We asked Rajesh for a more in-depth explanation of his thoughts, to which he simply kept responding “It’s crazy” or “really shocking.”

Another young mind had a different take on it, though: “I think it’s great that they’re making progress with, like, social issues, and peace and stuff,” Anita, 19, said.

With each interviewee, we conducted a short poll:

Roughly 80% of responders said they saw headlines of new events in Israel on Facebook but didn’t actually read the articles. 98% agreed that pretending to be knowledgeable of current events in Israel made them seem more worldly, cool, intelligent, and sensitive. Less than 1% actually had any idea what they were talking about, and finally, 100% of all responders said they weren’t sure if it was the country of Israel or Isis, or if either of those were even countries.

As sensational headlines fill social media, millions of Americans continue to pour out their cocktail of emotional support for anyone and everyone they possibly can. That One Guy is expected to do another thing in the near future, which already has many making vague and embarrassingly uneducated comments.

Government Considers Replacing Bald Eagle With Sloth As National Animal

Government Considers Replacing Bald Eagle With Sloth As National Animal

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The US government is reportedly considering replacing the current National Animal. The bald eagle has served as a symbol of the nation’s dreams and values since the 1700s, but policymakers no longer feel the sentiment is in line with the country’s current outlook. Instead, the sloth will take its place in American culture, representing how US citizens are seen by themselves as well as by the rest of the world.

“The bald eagle was originally chosen as a comparison to the ancient Romans, who also held the eagle as representative of their civilisation,” says political analyst, Jan Spencer. “It made sense for a long time, because we were a nation of immigrants – pioneers who did whatever it took to establish our own country. But now it’s more than a little out of place.”

Republican Senator John Persephone agreed with the sentiment, but warned that the sloth alone has important lackings.

“Yes, it’s the symbol of lethargy and inertia, and that’s pretty much most of America,” he told reporters. “And yes, it eats and becomes fat, and sleeps a lot, and leaves a lot to be desired in terms of appearance. But we cannot underestimate the greedy opportunism of the American people, which is represented so well by the bald eagle. It swoops out of the sky, catching up the unsuspecting small fry. It’s sneaky, in a sort of cowardly way. That’s what the USA is all about – maximum gain with minimum work, through dishonest means if necessary.”

Media outlets have since launched a campaign, urging viewers to help come up with the “next national animal of the American people.” The government has agreed to use the most popular choice in this important role. At present, Grumpy Cat is in third place; eagle in second; and sloth in first.

Elusive Woolly Pig Found Living in Serbia, Plan to Fight for Their Survival

Elusive Woolly Pig Found Living in Serbia, Plan to Fight for Their Survival

SUBOTICA, Serbia –

The Mangalitsa has long been considered a poor attempt at a hoax, with pictures of the strange “woolly pigs” dismissed by zoologists as poor manipulations of photographs. But the existence of the rare breed has been confirmed by hikers in Serbia, having accidentally stumbled upon a large community of the species living peacefully in the country’s mountainous terrain.

“We were very surprised – pleasantly surprised – to find these strange creatures,” said expedition leader Harriet McCormack. “When we came across a high rise fence surrounding an arbitrary area close to our hiking route, we thought that previous hikers must have built a colony for themselves. Turns out, these reclusive animals constructed it in an attempt to keep out of the public eye.”

Reclusive is indeed the word for these majestic mammals. Reporters entered the Mangalitsa colony only to find the members unwilling to talk, only looking at them suspiciously.

“They had a resigned look on their fluffy faces,” said Jina Louisia. “Almost as if they knew this day would come. They stopped what they were doing and went into their houses, probably to spend some time with their families before we massacre them and eat their bacon.”

Late on Tuesday the leader of the settlement, Peggy McGee, released a statement to the press.

“We consider this invasion as an act of war,” it read. “We will do whatever it takes to fight further the human enemy, even if it anyway leads to our deaths. We will die heroically, rather than by the whims of your hateful species.”

The release ended on a positive note, however, saying that although the pigs “are wary of being betrayed as were the now extinct Mouflon sheep in the 1800s, we will welcome a peace deal. There must at least be measures in place so as not to find ourselves on the plates of obese American children.”

At press time, members of the colony were being docilely led en masse into a slaughterhouse, having been told they were simply to receive a haircut and shower.

Neil Armstrong, First Man On The Moon, Dead At 82

Neil Armstrong, First Man On The Moon, Dead At 82

MIAMI, Florida – 

America is mourning the passing of the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, at the age of 82. The famous and pioneering astronaut died from health complications brought on by his 2012 death, bringing an end to the celebrated life of this true American pioneer.

His family released a statement, describing Armstrong as a reluctant American hero [who had] served his nation proudly, as a navy fighter pilot, test pilot, and astronaut.

“While we mourn the loss of a very good man, we also celebrate his remarkable life and hope that it serves as an example to young people around the world to work hard to make their dreams come true, to be willing to explore and push the limits, and to selflessly serve a cause greater than themselves.”

The news triggered an outpouring of tributes to the man who took the first “small step” on the Earth’s lunar luminary.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” tweeted fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin. “In his 85 years on this planet, he managed to live 82 solar cycles, which is more than 96% of that time. That’s pretty darn good. Better than most at least.”

The interstellar traveller, who celebrated his 82nd birthday in August 2012, had previously stated that he intended to live forever, even if he did not manage any more years in that time. But friends say they saw his demise coming.

“When he died in 2012, we knew he wouldn’t last that much longer,” said old school friend Randy Haywood. “I mean, the projected life span after dying is usually six months to a year. He fought on for almost three years. That’s a darn good achievement, but like all men, his death finally killed him.”

An anonymous source informed news outlets that Armstrong’s family were to sue doctors treating him for negligence.

“You have to be very cautious when treating a dead man,” said the source. “These doctors weren’t. Although he lasted a remarkably long time, he could’ve lived for years longer, if not for his physician and surgeon’s inconsideration of his ailing condition.”

A trainee, who had regular contact with the lunar lander, was overheard saying that he was never the same after his body stopped working anyway.

White Castle To Add ‘Gas-Free’ Sliders To Menu, Removes Onions From Burgers To Protect Ozone Layer

White Castle To Add 'Gas-Free' Sliders To Menu, Removes Onions From Burgers To Protect Ozone Layer

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

The Obama Administration recently issued a statement saying that White Castle, a fast food restaurant famous for their gas-festering slider hamburgers, and deal sealer onion rings, is just as harmful to the Ozone Layer as retro muscle cars and Harley-Davidson motorcycles combined. That press release, issued by Josh Earnest, began to push the 93-year-old burger franchise into exploring alternatives to replace the gastrointestinal fuels in their otherwise healthy foods.

Yesterday, CEO E.W. Ingram announced that major menu changes would occur this summer. “Without affecting or changing the taste of our classic Sliders, food scientists have discovered new methods of using manufactured, chemically engineered ingredients so that our burgers will no longer give consumers Ozone Layer harmful gas,” he said.

“One other big menu change consists of removing all onions from the menu completely, to make sure we please all environmentalists. In place of onion rings, the company has voted to include fresh vegetables such as broccoli and asparagus,” Ingram revealed.

A widely unpopular adjustement according to weekend drunkards and pot smokers, such as Ohio State University English literature major Omar Chonga. “Man, I just don’t get it, I mean, man. It’s just not cool,” Chonga stated. “They’re messing with the best burgers around. Well, best when you’re too messed up to actually taste anything.”

One thing Ingram was pleased to mention was that White Castle would now officially be the most healthy fast food chain in the country, according to The Bakersfield Post Gaxette. “It is a new era, live long and prosper!” Ingram shouted from the oak podium, which included a shiny chrome “WC” logo.

Brother Of Osama bin Laden To Run For President Of The United States In 2016

LOS ALTOS HILLS, California – shafiqbinladen

Shafig bin Laden, the 57-year-old half-brother of Osama bin Laden, who was born in Hawaii, has announced that he will be running for President of the United States in 2016.

The younger bin Laden, inspired by meeting George W. Bush back in 2001 when Bush told him he had a “strong personality,” says he knows it will be quite difficult to gain the trust of Americans because of name, but that he can be very persuasive.

“I truly believe the American people will learn to accept me and my ideas into their collective hearts,” bin Laden said in a statement released by the Associated Press. “Focus not on my last name, but on the individual that I am. I am nothing like my half-brother. I am an American, I believe in America, something he never accepted.”

The native of Hawaii, who carefully and cautiously refrained from saying his brother’s first name, went on to describe the relationship between the two saying that his “older brother” would pick on him as a teenager for being born in the United States.

“A lot of the hatred he had in his heart for America was because of me. It made him feel inferior and we never got along. He resented that I was from the great U.S. of A,” bin Laden said. “I am my own person, I have my own agenda for the greater good of this beautiful country. Open your hearts, open your guarded minds, please do not prevent the sun from its glorious shine.”

George W. Bush, who is a close personal friend of bin Laden’s, said that he hopes that America will see past the name, and look to the man himself.

“If America could handle me running the White House, then by golly how could they not handle bin Laden?” asked the former president. “He may not look American, but I can surely promise you he’s as proud of this country as anyone. Yes sir, he’s as American as shit on the hooves.”

Bin Laden, who expects a lot of negative feedback, says he will not give up on his quest and that if the people of the United States will not accept him in 2016, he will then seek a seat somewhere in the U.S. Government. “In America we say ‘Go Big or Go Home’, well this is my home, but I must go big anyway. If at first I do not succeed, then I will stand back up and try again and again. America is the land of second chances.”

 

 

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